Anticipation

As much as I try not to,
As I wake or sleep,
My thoughts seem to turn to you.

You are seeing someone,
Yet continue to talk to me,
Perhaps to be nice,
But every time I see you,
Talk to you,
converse with you,
My feelings run high,
My thoughts begin to sputter,
Images of possibilities,
Run through the far corners of my mind.

Am I crazy?
Is this all in my mind,
Only in my mind?

Perhaps.

I think of all the walks we could take,
All the love letters I would write,
And of all the meals we could share.

Yet all these are held back,
Held in wait,
Until finally you utter that word,
Yes.

Yes,
I will go out with you.
Yes,
I see something more in you.
Yes,
I want to see what possibilities are there.
Yes,
I see potential in you,
Like you see in me.

My emotions rise,
I feel euphoric.

I know I shouldn't follow these feelings,
I know they cannot be answered right now,
But I sit in them smiling,
Smiling as I think thoughts of you.

I feel,
I cannot help it.

So, I'll respect your space,
respect your boundaries,
But I will lie here in wait,
Hoping you reciprocate my affections,
Hoping this someone you are seeing,
Is merely a farce until you search your feelings,
Or someone who makes a mistake,
And doesn't see the person you are inside.

But I see you,
I see your soul,
As you attend to others,
With your kind eyes and generous heart.

But the question isn't if I see you,
But if you see me,
If you will break these bonds one day,
And these feelings can be reciprocated,
Be set free,
And these thoughts made reality.

Until then,
I will keep things friendly,
But behind those conversations,
I hope you know possibilities sit and wait,
Wait in Anticipation.

~ Doubledb

Self-Acceptance is NOT an Excuse...

I was watching a video on YouTube this morning in which two females were doing a video chat about self-image issues. At one point in the video the one who was larger spoke about accepting how this is who she is and that there are men who find her attractive, basically she accepts herself as overweight, someone who deserves to be loved for who she is inside.

My response: Yes AND No.
Harsh Truths Coming...

Yes, you deserve to be respected as a human but no, self-acceptance is no reason to justify being overweight. I understand the struggle. I was 325 lbs at one point, am now 100 lbs down, and still have some more weight to go until I reach my goal.

We are the sum of our choices.
I felt the same way for so long. I thought others would and should love me for who I am, not for how I look. But in all honesty, I was lying to myself, trying to justify my poor choices; choices of not exercising, not eating right, and basically not caring for my health and well-being.

I told myself that I was just a person with a larger body structure, that there are women who would find me attractive for who I was inside and on the outside.

But here is what I found out:

Losing weight set me on a course of self-revelation. I found that as I lost weight, not only did others see me and associate with me more, but I also gained greater confidence in the process. I found out I could tackle a huge obstacle and succeed. This was something I did on my own, something I decided for myself to change.

Losing weight taught me that there might be some other aspects of myself to work on as well, like taking more risks and stretching myself. Over the course of the last few years I have tried to do things that challenge me and pull me outside of the box I was stuck inside for years, most notably moving out of state for work, being more intentional about meeting others, and regarding dating.

However, weight is not the only issues this is affected by this idea of “complete self-acceptance”, because there are many other areas where we as people tend to place blame on others instead of being proactive ourselves.

One can say: I shouldn’t have to buy an alarm system or lock my door because people shouldn’t steal. I shouldn’t have to wear certain clothes because people should control themselves. I should be able to walk alone at night because people shouldn’t want to take advantage of another simply because it is dark.

The truth is bad people exist, temptations exist, sin and evil are very real. We would be wise to learn to be both defensive and offensive about life, protecting ourselves from others who may harm us and using it as a way to do some difficult but needed self-critiquing as well.

I found this out by losing weight, by taking control of a part of my life I felt I had no control over, something that seemed impossible but I decided was important to change. I now am a better person physically and emotionally, not to mention spiritually for tackling this issue.

So, while self-acceptance and self-worth do matter, these things should never be an excuse to keep harming ourselves, to continue bad habits, or to treat others in a poor manner, stating “this is who I am, like me or don’t like me, I don’t care.”
Hear me when I say this: If you do not care, others will likely not care.
Apathy is a life-stealing characteristic.

However, being engaging, challenging, passionate, focused, and purposeful; these are qualities we should all have and develop.

If we care for our self and are working toward betting ourselves, others will see that, appreciate us, and desire to be around us.

Have you ever dealt with weight?
Have you dealt with self-image/self-acceptance issues? How so?
Do you find yourself apathetic toward life or in pursuit of it?

~ Doubledb

Image: 1

On Dating And Becoming Who You Want To Be

Honestly, I never wanted to do online dating. In fact, my preference would have been and will always be to find some woman at church who loves God, we both catch each other’s eye, we become friends, and then it develops into something more. This of course will seem almost effortless.

The Truth: That is unlikely to happen.

First, it presupposes I will find someone at church, when past experience shows that is likely to never happen. All of my efforts to initiate dating with someone from church have never worked out. Secondly, it presupposes she will want to be friend and that she is not currently seeing someone. Thirdly, it also suggests there is a pool of singles in churches, when you can clearly look at the stats and anyone ages 25-35 are basically absent from church.

So, I had to decide to do something else, to be someone else, someone more intentional, aggressive, and willing to take more risk.

I went on a date with a woman this past Monday out of town. We met for dinner and then had a nice walk around a reservoir in that city. While I’m trying to figure out my feelings about her, I’m also thinking about the nurse at work who is seeing someone, not to mention the other females I have messaged or might message online.

This all makes me feel like a... player?

I guess if the women knew, it would make then feel I didn’t value them. But it is difficult to find a balance. In dating you can put all your efforts into one person (which is what I did in the past) only to be rejected or you can start putting yourself out there more and see all of the potentials.

This changes your mind a lot, as far as rejection. making you less inclined to stay in that spot of being hurt and helps to propel you forward; however, it also seems to make you question each woman you meet. Do I like her? Can I find someone better? Should I see where this goes or just move on?

But this also makes you question your assumptions about compatibility. Does she have to be into watching the same movies or TV shows? The same music? Will she like to talk or read about theology or psychology?

These questions begin to be replaced by: What are her values? Would our personalities fit together? Do we and will we enjoy eachothers company? Not to mention, if she is nice, is it a friend nice or relationship potential nice? The hardest thing is trying to figure this out through one meet-up or date.

I always wanted to be a more outgoing person and I have accomplished that in some ways. I feel fine initiating contact and going on dates with different women. But part of me regrets that it can’t be easier. I read books and blogs about (Christian) dating and many say to wait, to follow God, and things will have a way of working out.

I have found in my own life that nothing I have accomplished came through waiting. I never sat by, waiting for a job to call me, but instead sent out multiple resumes a week; so for me, to suggest I should seek God and wait seems unintelligible.

I want to believe it could be so easy, but anything good in my life has come through hard work. If I had known in college what I know now, I would have pursued a lot more women during that time (and maybe gone to less bible studies). But you can’t look backward, only forward.

~ Doubledb