The Truth About: Being Single (4/4)

Dear Lord, please guide me in friendships and potential relationships, open my eyes to see genuine people and help to know when to put myself out there and when to save my time and energy. Help me to always put you first. Help me to be content if I should marry or if I should stay single. Help me to remember my contentment isn't based on marital status but based on your life, on your love, and grace. Help me to remember while friends come and leave, whether I am married or single, that you remain constant.

Help me to remember your loving-kindness to me no matter wherever or whoever I am; single or married. Help me to remember in Your Kingdom such differences which to us seem huge actually matter very little compared to your goodness. We are of one body, brothers and sister in Christ.

Help me to remember that I can learn from those who are married and those who are parents. Help others to know they can learn from me as well, only I must be willing to speak.... Help me to speak. help others to speak up, to speak out, that we may not hide in the darkness of superiority or fear, of pride and perfection, or lack of identity and a good self-image. Help us to lay down our defenses, turn to one another, to support one another, in our sorrows as well as in our joys.

Help us not to forget our importance is not based on marital status but on knowing you and making you known to others, by being a light in this darkened world. Help us when our priorities are skewed, when our desires might not have you first. Let us know you hear our heart... but let us not be so focused on our wants and desires that we forget our need for you, that we forget to be thankful for the good things we have in this life.

Also, help us to persevere and keep focused. 

Life is full of easy distractions. A-men.

~ Doubledb
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The Truth About: Being Single (3/4)

From November 2013 through June 2014 I wholeheartedly put myself into the world of online dating. Despite all the messages sent and hours upon hours spent on these sites, I only ever went on about ten dates, some being chats on Skype when distance was an issue. While I know many others who met this way, even as one who is more introverted and enjoys writing, I began to find online dating very unperson-able and detached. I missed actually meeting and getting to know someone, in-person.

Most people online project an image to attract others, sometimes it is older pictures of how they used to look while other times they have pictures of all the trips and fancy places they have visited. Most want a relationship ideally but don't seem bold or brave enough to do the one thing that truly matters, be themselves. Of course, that takes vulnerability.

There were some occasions on dates where women would passively belittle the place I chose to go or some interest that I enjoyed. Other times I would express an opposing view on something and they would be taken aback. I could tell this is not what they desired, for what they seemed to expect was someone to agree with them on everything, to find only commonalities. True, while commonalities and interest are important, what I found through all of this was that differences make us unique and interesting.

More than anything I found out I want a woman who will disagree with me, who will challenge and encourage me, to throw me off my game and keep me on my toes. I don't desire someone who will change me but instead someone who will make me think and who will call me out in truth when needed. This, of course, would be reciprocal.

However, after months of online dating, of beginning to feel detached, I decided to pull back, at least from being so intentional and spending so much time. I really feel like I get more out of meeting real people, making real friends and being around others with whom I can be myself, instead of feeling like I have to project a certain image, facade, and send the perfect message to connect at all. I've learned when it comes to dating, it is far less important to focus on the when and how and instead to focus on the who, on the character and depth of a person, as well as their intellect, humor, and of course their commitment to Christ.

 

Today while working I sat with a man weeping and yelling, his wife had just died suddenly. He truly cared for her deeply. That is what I want. Despite feelings of loneliness, I do not want to just get into a relationship or marriage with anyone, to simply not be alone. And as difficult as this journey has been, I also do not want to just give up either. There is something to be said for persistence and perseverance, for finding strength in our weakness, for believing that God can and does still do amazing things. And it is for those things and people we care about the most deeply that we struggle, work, weep, and cry.

So, I press forward, I grow in this; unable to know the eventual outcome until my life unfolds completely. But I do know that I am kept in Christ, that when everything else is stripped away, when others are taken away, when all else fails, still.. Christ remains.

To God be the glory, always. A-men!

~ Doubledb
10/12/2014

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The Truth About: Being Single (2/4)

What you do not see and do not hear, are all the things singles hide from you. those singles not seeing anyone or who are dating but hide their feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Some dating or in a relationship hide the same things, all fearful of the unknown, of being hurt, but desiring to put themselves out there to find love and also avoid the biggest fear of all - facing the future alone.

Sure we start out with friends, but as one grows older, as one moves, friends get engaged, married, have kids, and start families. These things create distance, couples find friends with others couples and parents with other parents. Over time singles get use to being alone, having friendships drop; the un-returned calls, e-mails, messages.. it all just becomes the norm. This is simply the way of things.

The single learns to invest wisely in friendships, for these are the people who choose to stand beside you in good or bad times; yet there is a slight reluctance to put too much effort into friendships sometimes, as some can be fickle and few of us find good-quality friends that will reciprocate in ways we want - even more-so in ways we need.

Oh, there is certainly joy in our life. There are hobbies and interest, not all is perpetually sad or confusing, not all is alone-ness, but somewhere, in all the ways we will try to distract ourselves; all the books we read alone, all the movies and TV shows, the additional jobs we take, and even the times we volunteer. It is there. In the background, always there is the question: Will I always feel alone? Will I always be alone? Will God provide me friends? Will God provide me a spouse? These questions surface the most as singles try to sleep or as they rise early, in the silence of those times. This is part of the single life.

But all is not wanting, all is not alone-ness, for there is pursuit and being pursued, feelings of anticipation mixed with caution, nervousness mixed with excitement, feelings while trying to maintain some logic and sanity.

~ Doubledb

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The Truth About: Being Single (1/4)

Single, married, divorced, parents, rich, poor... most of us hide our insecurities, issues, troubles, trials, struggles, longings, and questions. Someone always has to be the first one to open up, start the conversation, break the proverbial ice. The problem is... opening up is scary.

A few weeks back I wrote a post about forsaking fear-based living, one of the things I fear opening up and writing about is being single. First, not everyone needs to know your personal stuff nor your deep and inner thoughts. Secondly, by opening up and writing, not only does one get to have such thoughts and feelings released, but these thoughts may help another person along the way. At least, the hope for a writer is that the words will not just go out into the dark void of the internet and the hope for a conversation if the other person doesn't just respond to such depth by sitting in stunned silence or running from you as if you were on fire. If this happens often, you might consider getting new friends, just a suggestion.

The truth is, I don't like to write about being single. Being single is confusing. Obviously I've been confused for a while now. It is also vulnerable, especially writing about it, opening up about the thoughts and feelings that well up inside. Most of the time this is simply too difficult, too taxing, and most of us, including myself, leave this part of our life silent, except maybe for a select few.

It means opening up a part of yourself you would rather keep hidden from others, and even from yourself. It means letting others into a part of your life in which you may feel the most inept, most unsure, even bitter. Even though I do write about being single occasionally on my public blog, it is only in general broad strokes, usually from an intellectual, not emotional, level, for this is far easier (and safe) than putting the whole truth out there.

If I could pick one show that is the closest to how it feels to be single, I'd say "How I Met You Mother" is the closest for me. Ten Seasons and Ted only meets his wife (the mother) at the very end. The show is all about his struggles and joys, not just in finding his wife but in his friendships and in finding his own identity: How do I approach failure? How do I deal with married and single friends? Friends with children? How do I deal with feelings of alone-ness, confusion, and even joy by myself? If I share such feelings with others, to whom do I share? These are questions the show tackles with its brand of humor mixed with drama, comedy mixed with emotion, laughter mixed with truth.

Still, the one truth that I have found is that while no single 'dates Jesus', He is our friend, our teacher, our center. God is ever-present with us, as well as the Holy Spirit as our guide and counselor. When we lose our focus on these truths, our (pursuit of) friendships and relationships become idols.

~ Doubledb

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I Don't Believe in "The One"

How a Professors Words Changed my Thoughts on Dating & Marriage

When I was in college, I remember the day my Old Testament professor said these words:
“I don't believe in the one.”

GASP

This shocked everyone: How could he not believe in finding the one? How could he not believe in love? He's married, right? Doesn't he believe in God's plan for us all? Especially this was astonishing and disconcerting to the females who asked: And how does your wife feel about this? The professor with a thoughtful yet stoic face replied that she knew and agreed.

Slowly a smirk and grin began to appear on his face. This is when he began to speak that, of course, he believes in love; however, we are ever-saturated by a world and media that shows us these exhilarating love stories, how two people meet in the most random way, at the perfect time, and both of course are super-attractive.

The problem is that none of that is real life. A real love story is complex, has layers. Love takes action, time, and wisdom to find and grow. It takes sacrifice. Real love desires but respects. It is something in our control and yet seemingly out of our control at the very same time. However, real love is always a choice. A choice we make each and every day one way or the other.

Indeed, love is formed from every choice made. Every new friendship made, every time you shake a hand or say hello; every invitation, message, and conversation you have is a choice, whether initiating or reacting. Any love, any bond; friendship, relationship or marriage is based on choice.

Then my professor made a point I have never forgotten. He said he believed there are many potentials of someone to love. There are many people you could fall in love with, connect to through physical attraction, intellect, humor, music, and faith.

He told us we would meet many of these people before and after getting married. However, when you walk with someone, get married, and make that commitment, and then journey with that person in life – then and only then does that person become the one, your one; you for them and them for you. Not based off fate or two half’s becoming whole but based on attraction, wisdom, friendship, choice, commitment, and the life-long bond that creates.

Then when you meet someone else who might know more, be more humorous, or even more attractive. You can appreciate these qualities but that person is not the one. The one is the person with whom you are married, committed, and faced life with through all of its highs and lows, obstacles and challenges, joys and celebrations. At one time meeting such a person, they might have been a potential one, now they are others; acquaintances and friends.

It is this truth, he said, that holds and bonds a marriage together and keeps temptations to go after others, to wonder what-if, and even to get divorced at bay. It's about choice, commitment, and a shared life – not finding the one. So, I don't believe in the one, he said...

You become one over time.

~ Doubledb

What Is God's Will And How Can It Be Found?

What is God’s will? That is the question. We are taught in the church God's will is something we can attain, that if we pray enough, struggle enough, talk to others enough it is something we will (easily) figure out. In his book Mere Christianity, CS Lewis speaks about God being outside of time. If the vastness of God were a sheet of paper, time and all of us in it might be just a dot, a speck on that paper.

Think about that.

The truth is, God's will, like life, is much more complicated, instead of being black and white it can seem grey, instead of being linear it is more like a blank page with dots seemingly spread randomly, each representing a choice we could make or a person we could meet to help us in the right direction. At first to us it may just seem like a random mishmash.

In the church we are taught that there is only one story, one line or path that is God's will for us. This means any decision we make incorrectly could be terrible because if it’s not part of the plan, not part of His plan,  what happens to us if mess up, don't follow, or disobey?

The problem is that in the scriptures there are plenty of stories where God works with humanity despite their flaws, so being wrong may not be what God desires for us, but it can help us learn and be able to better know more about ourselves; who we are, and that becomes part of God's plan and story for our life.

Maybe God's will is more about a metamorphosis in us, a transforming, and all the changes in us that take place as we seek to become more like Christ. So then, first we must ask if such choices or decisions are full of selfishness and pride. Are we putting what we want first or are we putting God first? Is Christ first in our life? This should be the first and most important question.

This means if we have two great job opportunities that are a good fit, we do not have to worry about choosing the wrong job. One could pick the one that will help provide better for their family, maybe it pays a little more or is closer to relatives. Maybe it might help one pay off student or credit card debt. So long as we are following God first, such decisions between two good options need not weigh us down; instead we have freedom in Christ for good things.

This brings me to the second aspect of God's will, which is being confused or uncomfortable. Does this make you uncomfortable? Yes, as odd as it sounds, sometimes I feel that being in God's will is something that tends to make us feel uncomfortable. Indeed, if God's will is about transforming us, this means we will be stretched and challenged. Are you being challenged? How else are we to grow and learn?

People ask me what it is like moving from family and friends states away to come and work as a Chaplain. I tell them I enjoy my job but miss everyone. There is a lot of truth and emotion in that one simple statement. Sure I keep up with them; however, the difficulty comes in not being able to connect with them in-person. The truth is that sometimes we must make sacrifices and choices... or make sacrifices with our choices. My choice was to follow God and trust him to provide or to stay in Texas with family and friends but be miserable professionally, likely working a minimum wage job somewhere, barely getting by and not using my abilities.

God wanted more for me than barely getting by; He wanted me to thrive.

He wants you to thrive as well!

However, I had to take the step of applying to positions outside of Texas. Then, as I began to get interviews (being uncomfortable yet excited about that fact), doors began to open. I remember after getting those first e-mails from other states, I finally said, "Ok God, well if I'm offered a position and I take it, You are going to have to provide… a lot, especially a good church and friends."

I did find a wonderful church and am still in the process of making friends. Yes, it is difficult… and that is part of growing, of being with God in that difficulty. God doesn't just want your prayer requests for peace, wisdom, and answers to a choice, decision, or situation; He wants you to grieve and struggle with Him just as much as you thank Him endlessly in times of joy and celebration. This is how He works in and through us each and every day, back and forth, the Potter to the clay.

So, What is Gods Will?
(1) He wishes for you to follow and put Christ first.
(2) He wishes to make you uncomfortable so you will grow.
(3) His will is normally seen more in hindsight than in the present.
(4) Thus, His will is something we must go through… then it is made known.

What do you think of God's will?
How do you seek it, perceive it, know it, experience it?

~ Doubledb

Next Blog:
I Don't Believe in "The One":
How a Professors Words Changed my Thoughts on Dating & Marriage

Do You Love Me More Than These?

A Closer Look at John 21

Despite the popularity of the Gospel of John, most overlook the way it ends. However, the end is a very important part of how the church began and how God comes to restore each of us after we stumble and fall.

See, after Jesus predicted Peter would deny him, which Peter reacted to in disbelief, Peter did end up denying Christ just as he had told him. After the Crucifixion though, along with the other disciples, Peter left and went back to his old ways.

Peter went back to fishing, going out in his boat and casting his nets... no longer was he a fisher of men. This fact is often overlooked. Peter, though had claimed Jesus as the Christ, still fell, he denied, he abandoned his faith, he then left and went to follow who he was before. Oh, how often do we do the same.

So, Jesus comes up to Peter, with his nets full of fish, full of his old life and ask: "Peter, do you love me more than these?" Do you love me more than these fish? Do you love me more than your old life? Your own ways? Your habits or desires? Your deep dark thoughts or doubts? Your addictions to self? Your thinking only of yourself? Do you, Peter, love me more than these?

Peter replies twice in the Greek that he loves Jesus unconditionally (Agape); yet Jesus repeats the question a third time, asking Peter if he even loves him as a friend (Phileo), are they even close at all? Peter replied a third time to which Jesus replied, "Go feed my sheep."

See, not only do we see a parallel here between the three times Peter denied Christ and the three times he is asked this question - but this means something amazing for us as well:

When we are uncertain and run from God, God will restore us if we still claim to know Him, and most importantly if we lay down our life, our fish, our ways or things or issues or people we love more than God and take up His name, His Kingdom, feeding his lambs, making our life about following Christ and serving others, not self; feeding His sheep and not our own stomachs.

So, Jesus comes to you today at your school, campus, home, or work and asks:
Do you love me more than these? You know what he means, and He means you to sacrifice it, whatever it may be, for this is what blocks you from growing, from becoming more like Christ; being able to know, follow, and obey.

Do you love me more than these?
Only you know the answer....

~ Doubledb

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