Looking Back at 2013

 

I do not really make resolutions every year, at least as a habit. I find that life can change a lot, so goals need to be flexible; yet, we must have some purpose or focus lest our life become meaningless and monotonous, day by day with no reason or clarity.

2013 has been a great and insane year for me. I went from being a second year chaplain resident to being a staff chaplain. I went from being two hundred and ninety-five pounds to two hundred and twenty-five this past October (making my total weight loss since Feb. 2012 one-hundred pounds). I moved from Lubbock, TX to Buffalo, NY. I went from having a good support system and then having to start all over again.

I came to Buffalo with my car packed as full as I could get, leaving beds and chairs behind. I mailed my books, made sure to keep my computer, DVD's, and my guitar. I sold all my furniture. I drove over 1,500 miles by myself over the course of an entire week, driving through horrible rainy weather, and staying in hotels all by myself (Thank goodness for my GPS and Kindle Fire!).

I am not saying these things to induce any form of pity; instead I say them to express my strength. A strength I did not know that I ever had before this time. I never imagined I would move so far, that I would accomplish so much, and that I would do it all on my own. Certainly, I had friends help me, but once I left Texas I was all by myself, except for updating everyone through Facebook and blog posts.

As I have been here I have gone back and forth between feeling accomplished, while at the same time having feelings of aloneness, seeking community. Yes, I have my hard days when the distance between my family and friends in Texas and this place does weigh on me.

I did accomplish losing one-hundred pounds. While I am still so excited, the last two months since I met that goal have been grueling. Sometimes I just crave food, while other times because of the wintery weather, I cannot workout. Still, I have stayed strong and haven’t gained back. If I can just resist pizza more often and stick to eating more veggies and fruits, I know I can get to my next goal of weighing two hundred pounds.

Losing that weight though, made me reexamine my life, forced me to look at things that I thought were impossible in my life and begin to start taking steps forward. One of the areas I have been neglecting for years was having a daily time of reading the scriptures. I am happy to say that in November I started and have not missed one day since.

To some that might not seem like a victory; however, considering I haven’t had consistent times reading the scriptures like this since I was in middle school, I'd say that is an improvement! I find I am more focused and beginning to be more purposeful, seeking ways I can be involved in my growth, instead of just letting life pass me by day by day.

I am also currently working on my paperwork for Board Certification as a Chaplain. This is amazing, since in 2011 I was seeking if this is what I wanted to do with my life. Here I am now, working on being certified and loving what I do everyday; visiting patients, family, and staff.

My only ongoing request as I am here, and into 2014, is that God provide me with good friends here in this place. Friends who love life, have a sense of humor, and don’t mind speaking about the serious aspects of life. Friendship is so important and those who have lived in one place, who have had great friends all their life, cannot really understand what it feels like to move so far from everyone and everything you have ever known.

I also found a church after months of searching. It is hard to express in words; yet I do find that when I go to church, I truly do feel in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Truly the church is one spirit, the spirit of love, community, and faith founded and focused on Christ Jesus. Church, in every place I have moved to in my life, has helped me find solace during confusing and trying times.

I ask prayer for relationships to happen, deepen, and grow.

So, here is to 2014.

It is coming... are you ready?

Are you ready for something new and different?

Are you ready to cut out the past, the hurt, the old feelings or pain and start anew?

How did you life change in 2013?

What will you be changing or looking forward to in 2014?

~ Doubledb

Image Source: 1

Can Single Men Be Vulnerable?

Part of me wanted to argue that all men in our culture are in a terrible catch -22, in which they are encouraged to share their feelings, to be sensitive; however, men are also expected to be tough and not cry. While I do think this is a valid point to make, I find myself considering the fact that many of these men do have the opportunity to be truly themselves with their significant other.

Where does that leave the single male?
Honestly, where does that leave me?

I find myself at a very perplexing place in my life. There are a few male friends I can confide in, whom I can be truly myself, with all my humor and seriousness, emotions and intellect; however, the vast majority of male relationships do not work this way.

Most male relationships may speak about things on the surface but do not go deep, they are more fixated on doing things, getting together for activities than sharing life, especially when it comes to expressing emotions.

I want to express my emotions.
I want to be open to someone who won’t shut me out.

So, then I should turn to female friends maybe, right? Females don’t mind sharing emotions. The only problem is that most single female friends have this giant wall up in front of them; so that when you start to open up emotionally they back off. I have seen it time and time before, whether I might be interested in a relationship or not, I feel I get close enough to a single female friend, open up, and then face the empty air between us.

There is a lot of empty space there.
Empty space filled with the void of words and emotions.
Words and emotions that are left unheard
Left unresponded to... Out there... In the void.

I suppose that leaves married female friends. But honestly, isn’t that just awkward? You can only communicate and open up so much. I don’t want to seem like I am coming onto them or trying to put a rift in their marriage. I have a few female friends who are married, but they stay pretty surface level. I always get the feeling they are less interested in my life than I am interested in their life anyway.

So where does that leave me?
Where can I express myself?

I suppose that leaves me here, writing words.

It leaves me trying online dating. It leaves me sending Facebook friend requests to new people, hoping they will respond and maybe we can connect. It leaves me trying to get male friends to open up. It leaves me trying to share with female friends hoping they won’t shut me out.

But I always have my words, blogs, pages I type and write by hand, as the thoughts and feelings flow. I suppose that is the place of my solace. In some ways seeing my blogs online, published, makes them not seem to leave me and feel they are stuck in the void. I hope in some way others will read, think, perhaps respond, and that mutual conversation will occur, not in fear or awkwardness but in understanding and connecting to one another.

So, here I am a single male, looking for ways to express all the parts and sides of myself, not all are sensitive but some parts are that way. I consider myself lacking boldness and yet I find myself pressing forward despite my reluctance. So, I will continue writing, trying to connect with others, even as messages may be left unanswered, phone calls or voicemails unreturned, and blogs left with zero comments. I have to believe I am helping someone, connecting with someone, even if it is only with myself.

~ Doubledb

Plank Eye Syndrome

There is a serious syndrome in our churches, among the people who claim to be followers of Jesus the Christ. This syndrome leads to judgment, bitterness, hatred, malice, gossip, smugness, and all other manner of ill feelings towards others inside, and outside, of the church. How did so many of us get here?

I think somewhere among the verses speaking of being above reproach (1 Tim. 1:3:2) and trying to be perfect as Christ is perfect (MT 5:48), that we as Christians have forgotten that perfection is actually not possible. Why? Because even in the midst of the spirit of God inside of us, we are still very much persons of flesh, having a sinful nature still with us at this present time.

Have we so very soon forgotten that we too were once without Christ, each one of us, at some point was left to our own devices, our own sinful nature. We made a choice to follow Christ; however, the choice to follow does not mean we will not falter, that we will make incorrect decisions, assumptions, and judgments on others (and regarding ourselves).

There is a great divide between those who want to be conservative and hold firm to traditions and beliefs, while others cry out for freedom and liberation from all the rules, institutions, and chains they feel are causing them heavy burdens. As Christians, we forget that we no longer have to be bound by the things of this world, that we are now part of a different Kingdom where the lines are not drawn so plainly, except for the arrows pointing us in the direction of Christ, to seek his life, teaching, and pursue him first and foremost, beyond political parties and beyond judgments.

We forget that even Jesus let people walk away from him, like the rich young ruler (MT 19:16-22) or nine of ten men with leprosy (LK 17:11-19). Not to mention, that even the scripture of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11), we see Jesus tell her to sin no more, and then we are left with no resolve. What happened to her? Did she change? Did she stay the same? I think we are left with questions because Christ is asking us:

Have you changed?

Have you stayed the same?

What difference have I made or am I making in your life?

Notice Jesus is asking us these questions. Asking you the question. Jesus is not telling us that we need to monitor everyone else, to make sure they are above reproach, staying pure, out of sin, and in line with everything we think, say, or do. No, instead Christ holds us accountable to him, to our own understanding and convictions.

With this understanding, we come to see that Jesus never once made anyone follow him. Jesus never once belittled someone for choosing something else, though perhaps he did feel sadness when they turned away. He respected their view, their choice to chose, figure out things out on their journey, and in their own time.

In addition, it was not the sinners or sick who Jesus had stern words for but the religious, those who seemed to find pride in obsessing with rules and oppressing others with religion and institution while forgetting the heart for God, pursuing God, and loving their neighbor as themselves (MT 22:34-40). And so in Matthew 7, we read this story:

 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. - Matthew 7:1-5

Today, are you seeing your life clearly?

Do you find yourself judging others while neglecting your own issues and faults?

What are some things you might need to work on?

Where is God convicting you today?

~ Doubledb

Thoughts After The Second Date

I have no idea what I am doing, feeling, or how to process what is going on. All of my past dating experiences were friends who I liked, asked out, talked to, maybe had a date, and then always ended with her saying we should be friends.

I don’t know how to process this now... online dating? Getting to know someone from scratch while dating is so awkward. I mean, making a friend is awkward, those first few times until something clicks; however, now I am doing that with dating, trying to relate to someone and I have no background of how to relate, everything is new.

Maybe this is my introverted side showing. I relate to my close friends based off of shared interest and experiences, only me and this person don’t have any background. I guess it is supposed to be exciting finding out all the new things, but I suppose I never like the beginning, but I like to dive right in... Though I know there has to be a beginning, I don’t find it to be my favorite part, more like something I have to go through to get to the other side (Ex: Moving to Buffalo, Starting a New Position, Finding a New Church Home, etc.).

And besides all of that. I am not sure how I feel. I’ve tried to be logical and ask if I find her attractive and if we get along. While we get along great, I can’t tell if I find her attractive in that way. I don’t know if I have ever been confused trying to figure out if I found someone attractive before.

I really have no idea.

After our first date I knew I wanted a second one. I thought about talking to her, which we did, and then now after the second date I find myself confused.  

Do I have to have all the answers? 

Why can't I just have fun right now until I figure out how I feel? 

My logical side says to slow down, that nothing has to be decided... but another part of me knows I can’t just keep this going forever. A DTR (Defining the Relationship) will happen. What then? What if I can’t decide how I feel? How can I tell her I am not sure, that she has baffled me?

I've never had this problem before.

I am supposed to call her this week and we will plan our next date, which she has offered to pay for (so progressive). While I don’t mind taking more time to try to figure out my feelings, I also don’t want to lead her on. I feel like the longer it goes on, she could be hurt if I decide against going forward.

But then I think of what good conversation we have had,

talking for a few hours and time going by so fast.
 

Is this a relationship or just like friendship?

Do I find her attractive in that way or am I just lonely?

I don’t know.

Honestly, I have never really enjoyed dating.

This crap is work and baffles my mind.

But there is one thing I do know,

This is the first time I got a second date,

So I guess that is growth!

~ Doubledb

Celebrating 100 Pounds Lost: Part 3

Part Three
Admittedly, since I started this three-part series I have stayed around 225. Some of it had to do with me being sick and I think some of it was being tired. Not giving into all those cravings and exercising so much does start to take its toll on your body. I was also reading online that at certain weights your body will plateau, but this is also your body adjusting to a new weight. You will not be forever stuck.

Still, I have been working out most weeks at least three times the last month, except this week because I pulled my shoulder/upper back. I also have to come clean and admit I had pizza last night. I gave in but today for lunch I just had some oatmeal and a Slim-fast. I guess that is the way it works, when you fall you cannot just see it as a complete failure, get depressed, and quit; but to always get back up again and try to do and be better. Then, over time you can do something quite insane sounding and lose one-hundred pounds. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around that number and the reality.

And I still have a ways to go....
So next week I am starting afresh, getting back on track.

My next goal weight is now 200!

Here is Part 3 of my video,
followed by my progression in food and exercise (for those who are interested).

Video: Part 3


Food Progression:
Original:
Sand-witches, Hot Pockets, Pop-Tarts, Chips, Whole Milk, Soda (Twice a Day).

First Progression:
Lean Pockets, Wheat Bread, 2% Milk, Soda (Once a day)

Second Progression:
Frozen Processed Chicken, Grain/Flat Bread, No Chips
Pinto Beans, Peas
Processed (Sliced Cheese) to Block Cheese
Eating Apples and Bananas.
Slim-fast (Weight Loss Shake)

Third Progression:
Baked Chicken/Lean Ground Beef
No Bread, No Milk/Cheese
Light Yogurt, Green Beans, Soda (Once a week)
Slim-fast (Weight Loss Shake)
Fruit Smoothies (Orange; Strawberry). - Can Add Kale
Cooking my own Soups and Chili's (Lean or No Meat). - Can Add Kale

Current Snacks:
Light Yogurt
Saltine Crackers
Pretzel Sticks
Apples
Bananas
Raisins (Regular and Yogurt Covered)
Peanuts (Sometimes Cashews)
Cinnamon and Peppermint Hard Candy

Exercise Progression:
Original:
None/Minimal Racquetball

First Progression:
2 Days a Week Cardio for 30 Minutes
Treadmill

Second Progression:
3 Days a Week Cardio for 45 Minutes
Treadmill

Third Progression:
4 Days a Week Cardio for 1 Hours
    *Treadmill & Racquetball

Fourth Progression:
4 Days a Week Cardio for 1.5-2 Hours
    *1 of 4 Days do strength training, included in overall time

Fifth Progression (Drastic Change in Diet to include Fruit/Veggies):
4 Days a week working out for 1-1.5 hours
    *2 Days Cardio (Elliptical - one hour)
    *2 Days Strength (Set, 30 min on Rower, Set, 30 Min on Rower, Final set)

Hope this helps!
Keep trying to be healthy!
Never give up!

The journey continues...

~ Doubledb

Dating Series 6 of 6: Follow-Up

Dating Series Follow-Up

 

This is the last and final blog in this series. It has taken a while to come out. True, some of the reason for the delay was being sick this most of October; however, another part of it is that there are some parts of this follow-up I simply do not want to face. But lets start with some strengths.

Strengths

After writing this series I think a big strength of mine is showing emotional affection. In the past when I have liked a female I will normally express to her how I feel. Yes, my timing is not always quick; however, I think that is because I want to be sure I like someone before I truly start to pursue them. I don’t think it benefits me or the female if we rush into something.

I believe another one of my strength is that I am a much more mature person than I was in the past. In my life I try to make wise decisions, to be responsible, and to keep growing and learning. To be blunt, I think stability, responsibility, and wisdom are all good attributes in a future husband and future father.

Finally, I think I have depth. Certainly people who know me from work, church, friendship, or my writing know I have depth. All of those aspects are part of me, pieces of the whole. I am a complex individual and I do not like staying in the shallow end but diving deep into the depths of life, looking at complexities and different perspectives. To me, this is beneficial for anyone looking for a long-term relationship. I think a variety of interest keep the relationship going but also keep is from getting bored and stale. I also think it keeps both partners continually uncovering and finding new things out about the other person, for as one grows so does the other and visa-verse.

Challenges

On of my challenges (obvious to those who have read the series thus far) is encountering rejection. I think I avoid dating a lot more than I would have in the past because of the feelings of rejection. I believe when I first started dating I was very self-conscious because of my weight; however, now that I have lost one-hundred pounds, I am coming to the realization I may not be pursuing dating as much because of my fear of rejection.

I believe just like when we were children trying to figure out how to fit into culture when entering public school, how we would change things about ourselves and how we react or interact with others; I have done the same thing with dating. I feel I have put up walls in my heart and life that prevent me from being hurt, rejected, feeling pain; yet those very walls I have put up to protect myself as the very walls that now are keeping me from pushing forward.

Another challenge for me is mostly the opposite of rejection, which is being able to take risks. While being responsible is a strength I think it needs to be balanced with the ability to take risks. I need to be able to put my heart on the line again, to be willing to accept being hurt, not to say those are the only outcomes from risks but they are possibilities and probabilities along with the good. I can never get into and be in a relationship if I don’t take a risk, the first being to ask someone else out once again.

It shouldn't be this complicated…

And yet it is…

Ask anyone trying to date who isn’t merely looking for a fling.

Lastly, a challenge that might not have shown through is physical affection. I am not speaking of sex here, instead of I am speaking of putting my arm around a female, holding her hand, hugging her, and kissing. I know you are likely asking: What? You have never done that? Hugged yes, but very little, at least with people I have liked.

I feel one huge growth area for me is showing that physical affection when I am feeling an emotional connection. The reason think I have not done this in the past is that so far females have not expressed how they have felt about me until they have said we would be better as friends. I have a feeling looking back and talking to other females, that the lack of physical affection was likely a piece of that disconnect.

Therefore, while I need to take risks to ask a female out, I need to also take the risk of showing physical affection. Surely I shouldn’t rush too quickly but I think my pursuits so far as been pretty much void of physical affection. It was not that I didn’t think about holding hands, putting my arms around her, or kissing her. I did. I believe I was just uncomfortable being open in that way with someone who wasn’t expressing a reciprocal interest in me. If they reject my physical affection it may cut down on the time rejecting me takes or it may help her see how much I care about her and show her I feel more than mere friendship.

Looking back at dating,

What are your strengths and strong-points?

What are your challenges and places to grow?

Edit: I wrote this in October and as of November I have messaged and got some responses back online. I am actually meeting someone for coffee next week. So here we go again. I think the truest growth in this area is not giving up, knowing your past does not have to define you or your future, and to keep bettering yourself (An example is what I have done through my weight loss).

Stay strong readers and don't give up if your single.

If you are married, keep encouraging your single friends to not give up.

~ Doubledb

Image Source: 1 2 3

Celebrating 100 Pounds Lost: Part 2

Ok, well here is the second part of this blog series. Below is the video for this week and also some pictures that show the difference over time as I have lost weight.

Admittedly, I was quite stunned when I put these pictures side by side because I can see the improvements so much more than I do just looking in the mirror. I have next weeks video almost edited and will be posting things I have eaten and am currently eating. Until then, enjoy!

Video:


Pictures:

Blessings,
Doubledb

Celebrating 100 Pounds Lost: Part 1

20 Months
Feb. 2012: 325 Lbs
Nov. 2012: 295 Lbs (Goal Met 300)
May  2013: 255 Lbs (Goal Met 275 and 250)
Oct. 2013: 225 Lbs (Goal Met 225/100 Pounds!)

Wow, 100 Lbs... One Hundred Pounds. I am actually surprised I have come this far and in much less time than I would have thought, especially at the beginning. It has been a great journey and over the next few weeks I will be releasing a couple of other blogs in celebration of this achievement (I just have too much for one blog).

So, this week I am sending out Part 1 of my video (VBlog, see below) celebrating this loss and also some pictures as well. In the next few weeks I will be putting out additional parts of the video, more pictures of the changes, and (for those interested)I will also write out how I have progressed in eating, exercise, and what both look like today compared to when I started this whole think in February 2012. So, welcome to my journey and celebration of weight loss (and still another big goal to come as I get to my final desired goal weight).

So, here we go...

Have you ever been an a journey or weight loss?
What happened? What helped? What hurt?
What changes did you/have you made?

More to come...

~ Doubledb

Related Links:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201101/no-diet-weight-loss
http://www.weight-dieting.org/
http://www.abc.net.au/health/thepulse/stories/2010/09/23/3019673.htm

Where Is God Found: In the Mundane or the Extraordinary?

The other day I was reading a blog by one of my friends from college. His blog, found here, was about prayer. His blog got me thinking about prayer and how many times I think we feel when one prays it must be very eloquent and spiritual. Despite scriptures like Luke 18:9-14, in which the sinner's prayer trumps the Pharisee because of his humbleness and heart.

Perhaps we have come to think of prayer in such a manner because we grew up hearing the same prayers every Sunday or maybe because we hear intense prayers during times when we are emotional during worship. Still, perhaps it is because we hear "celebrity preachers" speak with such enthusiasm, eloquence, and passion we feel we just simply do not and cannot measure up.

As a Chaplain I offer numerous prayers every week over the intercom and to individuals, families, and staff. I admit, sometimes these prayers seem rote, rehearsed, and even mundane. The reality is I just cannot find a way to come up with so many different prayers for so many different individuals. However, I think God hears my heart as I pray for each patient by name, speak to why they are in the hospital, and the rest of my prayer is pretty repetitive.

But repetitive for whom? Yes, for me I hear mostly the same prayers but for those whom I am praying, they hear someone coming alongside them, lifting them up, and gathering two or more individuals into a sacred moment, a moment in which we become aware of God's presence in the room and in our lives.

I do not think prayer is the only area in which we have this problem. I believe in missions many people see going to other countries for a week to six months as a strong test of faith, while handing out food to the poor week after week gets little, if any, notice in the local church. I am not suggesting God isn't present when people go overseas, instead, I am suggesting God is present in both the extraordinary and mundane, the awesome and the simple, the overseas missionary and the local one.

Take a look at what we have in scripture. In the Old Testament in 1 Kings 19:11-13:

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

Why is God in the whisper? Why is humanity made from the breath of God and dirt (Gen. 2:7)? There seems to be a connection, a time in which God is in the simple, the regular; yet God is in the extraordinary as well. In the Old Testament God is also awe-some many times in the book of Exodus. There is a bush on fire that is never consumed, the ten plagues, a river that runs dry for the Hebrews and then overflows, and a pillar of fire or a cloud that lead the Hebrews out of Egypt and toward the promised land.

We see this in the New Testament in the person of Jesus as well. Who is this man who is born in a manger (LK 2:6-7, 16), a feeding trough for animals; yet later is transfigured next to Moses and Elijah (MT 17:1-13)? Let us not forget at his birth were both the shepherds and wise men (LK 2:8-16; MT 2:1-12). Here is the perfect image, that Jesus brings those who are high and low to him, working in those who seem extraordinary and those who seem mundane and forgotten.

In the Kingdom of God we speak often of these hilltop experiences and then speak negatively of the low experiences, the valleys. Are the valleys a lack of faith or are they also true faith, when we worship God because of who he is and not because of what we feel? Do we only praise God because we get a tingle from a prayer, worship song, or other experience?

What we need is a more well-rounded understanding like Job (1:20-21).

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

 Today, may you see God in the extraordinary and in the mundane.

~ Doubledb

Dating Series 6 of 6: Meeting Others

 

These "interest" were so in and out of my life, that they don’t really have full stories of their own. But I still think some of the smaller encounter let us learn things and also help us to know we are still trying to move along, instead of staying stagnant.

The next two females I asked out I met at church a few years later. At the time I was no longer a part-time youth minister but instead was now working in retail and at a library, anywhere from 40-55 hours a week.

The first one was spunky but I found her extremely cute and attractive. She had a great sense of humor; however, when I tried to pursue her, she kept declining my request to hang out with lame excuses and asking me why we couldn’t just meet when our church class got together. Do I have to spell it out for you? I didn’t know her well enough to know if I really wanted to ask her out at the time. Looking back, I should have just asked her out.

Yes, my fear of rejection was all out now, making me play the hang-out game. But everything I read online told me to be suave, not let on that I was into her, and that if she liked me she would respond to be around me and if she didn’t than feelings we not, in fact, mutual. I friended her and defriended her pretty quickly on FB. Once I tried to pursue her, she was gone. So I left it at that. Goodbye spunky-cute person.

Oh how nice, someone left me a note...

The second one was also at church. I guess she had a boyfriend, but she never talked about him and I only ever saw him once, like months before I asked to hang out with her. I wasn’t really even sure if I liked her in that way, but I wanted to get to know her to find out. She did agree to hangout with me, but she refused it be anywhere near dinner-time. I guess dinner equals date, which in her eyes this was not (thanks Yoda! ha!).

Ask or Ask Not... There is No Try.

I tried to ask her out one more time and she made up some excuse, which I found out because when I asked her for a later date, she declined again and told me she didn’t like me that way. I respected the honesty and wasn’t really crushed at the rejection since I wasn’t sure if I even really liked her. I just thought it was so odd how females (at least from my experience thus far) will go so far to try to protect a guy from feeling hurt (or rather, Truth Alert: feeling bad themselves for hurting a guy by telling the truth).

So, after that I decided I was going to try online dating. I tried one site where only old ladies messaged me, which was pretty creepy. I even saw one old friend of a friend on that site, which I ignored because I wasn’t attracted to her (and that would be awkward). I then tried EHarmony. I signed on during one of their free weekends, which stunk because they don’t even let you see pictures. I ended up meeting one female who was nice, we became Facebook friends, but nothing more happened.

It's Perfect: You Want Love, I want to Money.

I pretty much hated EHarmony, because I refused to pay that much money for something that wasn’t even a guarantee. Just one month by itself cost $40. Don’t they know I am single and don’t have money? So I looked around online and signed up for OkCupid. I have probably messaged like over 100 females, some near and some far. I think I have maybe got like 8-10 responses, some of them I friended on FB and some of them just replied to tell me they were not interested. One female told me were too different and she was NOT attracted to me. I like direct, but maybe there is such a thing as "a little too direct."

Since I have moved and started a new job, I finally messaged other females on OkCupid. I got two responses, one rejection and one hi, who hasn’t replied again. I don’t really put too much stake in online dating. I really would prefer to meet someone in person, but especially with Christian females, it seems like they are pretty particular about relationships, who they go out with, and even being good friends with them usually seems to be off limits.

Honestly, I miss college and grad school. Other than church, it seems like online is my only way to meet females in my age range. Still, despite my past, I still have hope. I still think there is someone out there for me, not who completes me but who would fit with me, who I could share my life with and share her life as well.

While a lot of this may sound like a slight rage against females and women. It is not. I am sure the other side has just as many stories about their confusing and complicated relationship with men as well. The truth is it hurts, being single makes things hard, makes life confusing, confusing from a lack of something and the remembrance of all the rejections.

I think clinging onto hope is important.

Without hope I think we only fall into despair.

Have you tried online dating? What has been your experience?

What lessens have you learned from your past dating experiences?

Has your past with dating help or hinder you going forward?

~ Doubledb

Images: (1) 2 (3) 4 5 6

Dating Series 5 of 6: Meeting Sandi

Dating Series 5 of 6: Meeting Sandi

Note: Names have been changed.

I really liked Sandi a lot, though sometimes her humor and taste in movies confused me. But let’s start at the beginning…

Things with Chloe happened my junior year of college, for the next few years I didn’t really have anyone I wanted to date. I also think this was when I started to be more worried about rejection. Even though the second one didn’t hurt as much as the first, I felt like putting me out there would end up having similar results.

Instead, I put my energy into doing well in college and keeping in shape. I really loved playing racquetball. I was also involved in lots of groups on campus... And I have to admit, with only one year left of college, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pursue a relationship.

So, I waited a few years, keeping my eyes open but trying to protect myself. That is when I met Sandi. I was really taken with her from the beginning. I still remember the first time I saw her. I was in graduate school at the time, entering my second year. We both met in the winter at a mutual friend’s house who had invited her to meet some of us, since she had just started her first year at grad school. I tried to play it cool but from the moment I saw her, I wanted to get to know her. There was something about that brown-haired woman with that cute nose that drew me in... So I began my quest.

Fencing Anyone?

In the beginning it was little things, I would stop and talk to her in the hallway. I friend-ed her on Facebook, then found out she was rarely even on Facebook. Of course, right? I tried to sit near her in class or chapel. I liked being around her and we became friends. Looking back now, I think asking her out then would have been a better plan. However, I let my fear of rejection lead me, so I kept the friend thing going instead of being honest about my feelings.

Honesty can be hard.

At some point I got up the nerves to ask her for her phone number on Facebook. When she replied with her digits I was ecstatic. I literally jumped up and down while playing the song I Got Your Number by Petra. I am such a dork. That same day I got a FB friend invite from Jessy, you know, that first confusing relationship. I added her as a friend but didn’t really care to talk to her at the time. I was too excited about new possibilities to worry about the past.

Summer changed everything.

I was at the point where we had hung out, talked on the phone, sat next to one another in class, and I walked her to her car. Sounds like we are going out, right?

I was such a fool.

One night we were hanging out at her apartment, since I lived in the dorms, watching Secret Window and Bruce Almighty. We chatted a few hours after the movies and while I was walking out I turned. I couldn’t hide it anymore; I felt too much to let it go anymore. I told her I liked her and wondered if she would like to go out on a date with me.

One of the Best Movies You've Never Seen...

She was surprised, which kind of made me surprised and confused. We had been spending so much time together, what had she expected? Do your normally act this way with friends or boyfriends?

She told me maybe, that she would get back to me.

The next day she told me yes, but it came with stipulations, which should have been a clue to me this wasn’t going to end well. I was too in the zone to figure it all out then though, but looking back it was already there.

We went out on our first date. I bought her flowers, she straitened her hair, and we went to go have Chinese food (her favorite) and saw The Incredible Hulk.

I Still Cannot Decide which is better: HULK with Jeniffer Connolly or Liv Tyler

At this point my feelings were all out. I was so excited she said yes and this was happening. However, one date doesn’t make a relationship and I knew I had to ask her out again... and that started the rub, the eventual decline of everything that had culminated.

After out first date, I shortly after asked her for a second date. She said she wanted to take things slow, to get to know me more before we had a second date. I agreed and we had about a month just hanging out with one another as friends before I started to get a little on-edge. I had been down this road before and I didn’t want to be strung along again, always near but not near.

I finally asked her what she felt for me and she said she needed time. Time. Always time, the neglect of answers, the not knowing, it all drove me nuts. I was trying to start a new semester at seminary and couldn’t process all these feelings and thoughts.

It was too confusing and I didn’t like being confused. I didn’t like all the questions flowing through my brain: Is she attracted to me? Is she stringing me along? Is she trying to spare my feelings? Will our friendship be broken? What will this mean for our circle of friends? Has she even actually told any of her friends we went on a date and have been hanging out or has this all been some big secret?

When you are a thinker, you cannot stop those questions. They WILL keep you up at night, causing you lack of sleep. She used classes as an excuse to keep blowing my question off until later, until later. Well, she finally "broke up" with me after about a month. I was crushed. I was at work in the library, checking my e-mail and Facebook when I saw her message. I started crying in the middle of work. Thankfully, no one else was around and I was able to keep myself together enough to finish my shift.

I cried that night.

I had to force myself to eat for two days.

Then I tried to figure out how to be friends with her, because she had, like all the others, said she wanted to still be friends. But what did that mean? Hadn’t all the others said that and then nothing ever came to fruition? I was so confused. She knew some of my past and how I did NOT want to be told the friend line unless it was true.

In her case, I think she wanted it to be true, but she didn’t know how to go about it either. I think it made her feel awkward to be around me. If she had told me that, it would have helped but she full-on ignored me unless we were hanging out in a group.

After a few months I knew we were not going to be together, but I also knew we were not going to be friends. I do think she tried, though I don’t feel she tried as hard as I did... and I think part me still hoped if she saw how great I was as a friend, that she might reconsider me as relationship-material.

I was wrong.

She stopped talking to me completely.

I asked for my movies back, which took two months for me to get.

Then our last connection and tie to one another was gone.

I had gone through the end of this relationship/friendship my last semester in seminary. Tried to save the friendship but finally let it go the winter/spring after graduation, as I was jobless and had a lot of time on my hands. I also moved in the same apartment complex as her after graduation (It was cheap.. what can I say). She actually lived only a few doors away from me, but the door was shut.

I deleted her from my phone...
... and then from my Facebook.

The Way is Shut...

None Shall Pass!

A few times I saw her through mutual friends, but those mutual friends moved away and so she began to fade into my past and from my memory. I think she moved a few times after that. I am still not really sure why she rejected me. We never had that conversation. So, I am still not sure whether she rejected me because she didn’t find me attractive or because she didn’t want to be that open and vulnerable to someone else at that time. One doesn't always get the luxury of answers to such questions.

Have you ever been in a relationship that ended with no reasons or goodbyes?

Why do you think it is so difficult to be friends after the failure of a relationship?

Do you think it is really ever possible to "just be friends"?

~Doubledb

Dating Series 4 of 6: Meeting Chloe

Meeting Chloe

Note: Names have been changed.

I met Chloe when I was in the youth group. She was nice, I found her attractive, but nothing ever really happened. I guess I kind of saw her as a sister when we were both in the youth group, which made it odd once when my parents were commenting on how she was "blossoming", which really just meant her breasts’ were getting bigger. I mean, how do you react to that as a teenager? Parents… just don’t say things like that in front of your children, teenage or otherwise, its just awkward.

So the years passed and we still kept in contact. But our connection was sporadic, meaning we would chat on AIM every once in a while, but over time we started to talk on the phone once every few months. During one summer when were both home from college, we would go to this large contemporary church service at the Second Baptist Church in town. Honestly, there is nothing more attractive to me than a female worshiping next to me, talking to her about God, and hearing her sing. But I tried to keep myself cool. I had screwed things up before, so I wanted to try my best to know if she liked me before she left for the summer.

I tried a few times to see her outside of going to the worship services, and looking back now, I should have been aware that I was getting the cold shoulder. She would always make some excuse, that seemed lame, and would then tell me she had done something with her friends (or even another guy who came into town *slaps face*). I was so blind.

But I still had all these feelings for her by then. It wasn’t that I couldn’t take no, but I felt all these things and needed to get them out, so I did the worst thing you can do to someone with whom you aren’t actually going out with yet… writing them a letter. I wrote her two pages, expressing my feelings and how great a person I thought she was at the time and how much I liked her. Yes, at least I knew enough not to say love. I mean, she hadn’t gone out with me yet, so I had feelings but I wasn’t a moron. I though I was being smooth at the time. WRONG!

When the letter was finished, I got her address by being telling her I was updating my contacts. To make myself feel better, I did actually update my contacts but, of course, my real purpose was to get her address while she was away at college. I sent the letter... and waited... and waited. I felt dumb, but also satisfied I had got my feelings out. I accomplished my goal and figured, “Well I guess she didn’t feel the same, but hey... we didn’t really know one another all that well.”

Then fall break came and I was at home. I saw her at church, but I didn’t say anything about the letter. I figured if she wanted to say something, she would reply. And right between Sunday school and church she asked me to talk with her for a second. She apologized for not replying, then told me while she liked me as a friend, that she didn’t like me as anything more than that at the moment. She said she still wanted to be friends, I said ok, and we hugged. Those are the only hugs I have never liked. I was sad of course, but I had kind of already put this behind me emotionally. I didn’t like being rejected but it wasn’t as bad since I didn’t know her as much as I had known Jessy.

I think I might have talked to her on the phone once more, but later I just deleted her from my phone and AIM. I was determined not to go on about this like I had previously, grieving for a whole six months. I did try to chat back and forth on Facebook a few times, but she didn’t reply. I finally just deleted her. That might sound harsh, but I don’t consider people friends, at least not presently or in the future, if we don’t actually speak or ever write to one another.

So, she has pretty much been out of my mind. Yes, every so often I would search for her on Facebook, see what I could gather from her Public, non-friend, view. A few months ago I looked and apparently she is married now. She looks happy with him. I am happy for her, but sad for myself. Not because I don’t have her or she missed out on the great me, but because I want to meet someone and be that happy at some point.

This concludes Meeting Chloe... please turn over tape for side two.

~ Doubledb

Dating Series 3 of 6: Jessie

Meeting Jessy

Note: Names have been changed.

This is where things got complicated...

The years passed, not much happened in high school in regards to dating. There was not anyone I was really interested in to be honest. Then I moved to college and my first semester I met a friend of my roommate named Jessy. Jessy was a very confident female, who knew she wanted to go places in life. She had a rough childhood and was working on making her life better. Jessy wanted to be a nurse, maybe even a doctor. Jessy also had a hard time with guys. She would get lost in her infatuation of them, find out they were jerks, and then the relationships would end abruptly.

Nothing really happened the first semester I was in college. Everything was too new for me and I didn’t know how interested I was until halfway through the second semester. We would chat online on AIM about life and faith. She was smart and had such a heart for God.

Toward the end of my freshmen year, I thought about asking her out... but we were both going away for the summer and it didn’t really seem all that logical to take that next step, so I decided to wait until the new school year.

Does anyone even remember AIM anymore?

And that is when things got better... and worse. We kept on chatting online late into the night when she wasn’t working and I was online. I got her number and we talked on the phone a few times.

Then one day she was excited about something and wanted to tell me. Can you guess what? Well she was working at a summer camp and fell for this guy. I played nice but I was disappointed. Here I was taking this time to know her and planning my approach when this guy just swoops in and things happened.

We still chatted online and on the phone; however, we talked less (obviously) since she now had her boyfriend. A lot of chats consisted of us talking about God and about her boyfriend. Then, right before my sophomore year, and after her job for the summer ended, it happened. She caught him with another female while she was talking to him on the phone. What a douche, right? She felt so betrayed and I did feel bad she got hurt... but finally I thought, the time is coming to make my move. I couldn't wait much longer.

When we were both back on campus, she came to meet me in the dorm lobby. I was so happy to see her, we said hi, and hugged. I still remember she was wearing a green shirt. I was so into her at the time. I knew I couldn’t keep playing the friend card. I wanted more out of our relationship. I had to let her know how I was feeling. Besides, not telling her was driving me crazy.

The next few months became a blur. We hung out once, we went to eat at Olive Garden and then saw a double feature of Men in Black 2 and Spider-Man. It was shortly after we were talking on the phone when it finally came out.

Men in Black, Killing Alien Scum On-Screen Since 1997.

She was talking about friendship and how my roommate (her old friend) didn’t talk to her that much anymore, in comparison to myself. Then it came out, that I liked her differently than he did... and bam, I think the relief I felt in telling her was great for me... but I think it was really confusing to her and became a burden on our friendship or more-than-friendship or whatever.

She thanked me for being honest, said she wanted to be friends, and she would let me know if she felt like moving our relationship from friendship to something more. The more never happened, and honestly, things got really weird.

The truth was we got a lot closer, we would talk late and meet up. I remember we would try to save a seat for the other in the chapel services… but we always seemed to miss one another. We never did wait for the other, which I think is telling looking back.

There was something missing there, something I guess I didn’t see and maybe she didn’t see. I don’t think we were ever really on the same wavelength. It seemed like I felt we were in the beginning of a relationship and she felt we were just really close friends. This lasted a while, for about two months. I didn’t feel like I was being strung along; however, the reality is I was being strung along. Now looking back, I think she liked having someone she could talk to but there was no commitment on her side and no chance of being rejected on my side, so things continued like that for a while.

We had fall break at the end of October and I was going to stay with my roommate in his town. Jessy lived really close, so I decided to ride with her there, hang out for a while, and then spend time with my roommate that weekend. Little did I know her whole family was going to be there and I was going to be invited to dinner. This seemed like more than friendship, right? I was meeting the family; yet, she introduced me as "my friend". That phrase stung and confused me.

Let's Hang Out = You Can Meet my Whole Family at the Mexican Restaurant

That weekend turned out to be the deciding factor in our friendship/relationship. We were supposed to hang out together the next day but she blew me off and then she wanted to drive back to college by herself. Signals anyone? I was getting the cold shoulder

We were back at college a week later and she would try to chat with me online. I asked her to call me on the phone and finally asked her point blank: Do you like me that way, like a boyfriend? She said she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but I got her to finally tell me the truth: NO. Those words stung, they hurt, but I was glad to finally get a answer.

The rest of that semester and the next I was pretty depressed. I gained back all the weight I had lost my freshman year. I tried to be friends with her... but it never worked. She would ignore and not return my calls and I wouldn't stay up until 2AM to chat with her online anymore.

She told me online in a chat that she was sad things were different, but I asked her what she expected. I got the feeling she wanted a friendship on her terms only. We stopped talking, she began to fade into my memory, but I was still pretty bitter about the whole thing.

I saw her go out with some dope the next year as a junior and that was the thing that finally set me free. Later, as I reflected on this whole situation with my roommate, who was her old friend, he confessed to me that she had called him one day and told him she did, in fact, like me in that way. He was confused why she had told me otherwise.

I had always figured she wasn’t attracted to me, but maybe she didn’t want to commit, maybe she was scared. I don’t know... and now I don’t really care. I look back on this as my first real attempt at a relationship and it taught me how to stand up for myself, but also how females sometimes can and do string guys along as emotional support. I think, in some way, perhaps I was everything, ideally, that she wanted in a guy, yet either she was not truly attracted to me physically or she was scared about being with a guy who had depth.

What relationship was the most complicated for you?

What are some complications you have had in your past relationships?

~ Doubledb