Looking Back at 2013

 

I do not really make resolutions every year, at least as a habit. I find that life can change a lot, so goals need to be flexible; yet, we must have some purpose or focus lest our life become meaningless and monotonous, day by day with no reason or clarity.

2013 has been a great and insane year for me. I went from being a second year chaplain resident to being a staff chaplain. I went from being two hundred and ninety-five pounds to two hundred and twenty-five this past October (making my total weight loss since Feb. 2012 one-hundred pounds). I moved from Lubbock, TX to Buffalo, NY. I went from having a good support system and then having to start all over again.

I came to Buffalo with my car packed as full as I could get, leaving beds and chairs behind. I mailed my books, made sure to keep my computer, DVD's, and my guitar. I sold all my furniture. I drove over 1,500 miles by myself over the course of an entire week, driving through horrible rainy weather, and staying in hotels all by myself (Thank goodness for my GPS and Kindle Fire!).

I am not saying these things to induce any form of pity; instead I say them to express my strength. A strength I did not know that I ever had before this time. I never imagined I would move so far, that I would accomplish so much, and that I would do it all on my own. Certainly, I had friends help me, but once I left Texas I was all by myself, except for updating everyone through Facebook and blog posts.

As I have been here I have gone back and forth between feeling accomplished, while at the same time having feelings of aloneness, seeking community. Yes, I have my hard days when the distance between my family and friends in Texas and this place does weigh on me.

I did accomplish losing one-hundred pounds. While I am still so excited, the last two months since I met that goal have been grueling. Sometimes I just crave food, while other times because of the wintery weather, I cannot workout. Still, I have stayed strong and haven’t gained back. If I can just resist pizza more often and stick to eating more veggies and fruits, I know I can get to my next goal of weighing two hundred pounds.

Losing that weight though, made me reexamine my life, forced me to look at things that I thought were impossible in my life and begin to start taking steps forward. One of the areas I have been neglecting for years was having a daily time of reading the scriptures. I am happy to say that in November I started and have not missed one day since.

To some that might not seem like a victory; however, considering I haven’t had consistent times reading the scriptures like this since I was in middle school, I'd say that is an improvement! I find I am more focused and beginning to be more purposeful, seeking ways I can be involved in my growth, instead of just letting life pass me by day by day.

I am also currently working on my paperwork for Board Certification as a Chaplain. This is amazing, since in 2011 I was seeking if this is what I wanted to do with my life. Here I am now, working on being certified and loving what I do everyday; visiting patients, family, and staff.

My only ongoing request as I am here, and into 2014, is that God provide me with good friends here in this place. Friends who love life, have a sense of humor, and don’t mind speaking about the serious aspects of life. Friendship is so important and those who have lived in one place, who have had great friends all their life, cannot really understand what it feels like to move so far from everyone and everything you have ever known.

I also found a church after months of searching. It is hard to express in words; yet I do find that when I go to church, I truly do feel in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Truly the church is one spirit, the spirit of love, community, and faith founded and focused on Christ Jesus. Church, in every place I have moved to in my life, has helped me find solace during confusing and trying times.

I ask prayer for relationships to happen, deepen, and grow.

So, here is to 2014.

It is coming... are you ready?

Are you ready for something new and different?

Are you ready to cut out the past, the hurt, the old feelings or pain and start anew?

How did you life change in 2013?

What will you be changing or looking forward to in 2014?

~ Doubledb

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Can Single Men Be Vulnerable?

Part of me wanted to argue that all men in our culture are in a terrible catch -22, in which they are encouraged to share their feelings, to be sensitive; however, men are also expected to be tough and not cry. While I do think this is a valid point to make, I find myself considering the fact that many of these men do have the opportunity to be truly themselves with their significant other.

Where does that leave the single male?
Honestly, where does that leave me?

I find myself at a very perplexing place in my life. There are a few male friends I can confide in, whom I can be truly myself, with all my humor and seriousness, emotions and intellect; however, the vast majority of male relationships do not work this way.

Most male relationships may speak about things on the surface but do not go deep, they are more fixated on doing things, getting together for activities than sharing life, especially when it comes to expressing emotions.

I want to express my emotions.
I want to be open to someone who won’t shut me out.

So, then I should turn to female friends maybe, right? Females don’t mind sharing emotions. The only problem is that most single female friends have this giant wall up in front of them; so that when you start to open up emotionally they back off. I have seen it time and time before, whether I might be interested in a relationship or not, I feel I get close enough to a single female friend, open up, and then face the empty air between us.

There is a lot of empty space there.
Empty space filled with the void of words and emotions.
Words and emotions that are left unheard
Left unresponded to... Out there... In the void.

I suppose that leaves married female friends. But honestly, isn’t that just awkward? You can only communicate and open up so much. I don’t want to seem like I am coming onto them or trying to put a rift in their marriage. I have a few female friends who are married, but they stay pretty surface level. I always get the feeling they are less interested in my life than I am interested in their life anyway.

So where does that leave me?
Where can I express myself?

I suppose that leaves me here, writing words.

It leaves me trying online dating. It leaves me sending Facebook friend requests to new people, hoping they will respond and maybe we can connect. It leaves me trying to get male friends to open up. It leaves me trying to share with female friends hoping they won’t shut me out.

But I always have my words, blogs, pages I type and write by hand, as the thoughts and feelings flow. I suppose that is the place of my solace. In some ways seeing my blogs online, published, makes them not seem to leave me and feel they are stuck in the void. I hope in some way others will read, think, perhaps respond, and that mutual conversation will occur, not in fear or awkwardness but in understanding and connecting to one another.

So, here I am a single male, looking for ways to express all the parts and sides of myself, not all are sensitive but some parts are that way. I consider myself lacking boldness and yet I find myself pressing forward despite my reluctance. So, I will continue writing, trying to connect with others, even as messages may be left unanswered, phone calls or voicemails unreturned, and blogs left with zero comments. I have to believe I am helping someone, connecting with someone, even if it is only with myself.

~ Doubledb

Plank Eye Syndrome

There is a serious syndrome in our churches, among the people who claim to be followers of Jesus the Christ. This syndrome leads to judgment, bitterness, hatred, malice, gossip, smugness, and all other manner of ill feelings towards others inside, and outside, of the church. How did so many of us get here?

I think somewhere among the verses speaking of being above reproach (1 Tim. 1:3:2) and trying to be perfect as Christ is perfect (MT 5:48), that we as Christians have forgotten that perfection is actually not possible. Why? Because even in the midst of the spirit of God inside of us, we are still very much persons of flesh, having a sinful nature still with us at this present time.

Have we so very soon forgotten that we too were once without Christ, each one of us, at some point was left to our own devices, our own sinful nature. We made a choice to follow Christ; however, the choice to follow does not mean we will not falter, that we will make incorrect decisions, assumptions, and judgments on others (and regarding ourselves).

There is a great divide between those who want to be conservative and hold firm to traditions and beliefs, while others cry out for freedom and liberation from all the rules, institutions, and chains they feel are causing them heavy burdens. As Christians, we forget that we no longer have to be bound by the things of this world, that we are now part of a different Kingdom where the lines are not drawn so plainly, except for the arrows pointing us in the direction of Christ, to seek his life, teaching, and pursue him first and foremost, beyond political parties and beyond judgments.

We forget that even Jesus let people walk away from him, like the rich young ruler (MT 19:16-22) or nine of ten men with leprosy (LK 17:11-19). Not to mention, that even the scripture of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11), we see Jesus tell her to sin no more, and then we are left with no resolve. What happened to her? Did she change? Did she stay the same? I think we are left with questions because Christ is asking us:

Have you changed?

Have you stayed the same?

What difference have I made or am I making in your life?

Notice Jesus is asking us these questions. Asking you the question. Jesus is not telling us that we need to monitor everyone else, to make sure they are above reproach, staying pure, out of sin, and in line with everything we think, say, or do. No, instead Christ holds us accountable to him, to our own understanding and convictions.

With this understanding, we come to see that Jesus never once made anyone follow him. Jesus never once belittled someone for choosing something else, though perhaps he did feel sadness when they turned away. He respected their view, their choice to chose, figure out things out on their journey, and in their own time.

In addition, it was not the sinners or sick who Jesus had stern words for but the religious, those who seemed to find pride in obsessing with rules and oppressing others with religion and institution while forgetting the heart for God, pursuing God, and loving their neighbor as themselves (MT 22:34-40). And so in Matthew 7, we read this story:

 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. - Matthew 7:1-5

Today, are you seeing your life clearly?

Do you find yourself judging others while neglecting your own issues and faults?

What are some things you might need to work on?

Where is God convicting you today?

~ Doubledb

Thoughts After The Second Date

I have no idea what I am doing, feeling, or how to process what is going on. All of my past dating experiences were friends who I liked, asked out, talked to, maybe had a date, and then always ended with her saying we should be friends.

I don’t know how to process this now... online dating? Getting to know someone from scratch while dating is so awkward. I mean, making a friend is awkward, those first few times until something clicks; however, now I am doing that with dating, trying to relate to someone and I have no background of how to relate, everything is new.

Maybe this is my introverted side showing. I relate to my close friends based off of shared interest and experiences, only me and this person don’t have any background. I guess it is supposed to be exciting finding out all the new things, but I suppose I never like the beginning, but I like to dive right in... Though I know there has to be a beginning, I don’t find it to be my favorite part, more like something I have to go through to get to the other side (Ex: Moving to Buffalo, Starting a New Position, Finding a New Church Home, etc.).

And besides all of that. I am not sure how I feel. I’ve tried to be logical and ask if I find her attractive and if we get along. While we get along great, I can’t tell if I find her attractive in that way. I don’t know if I have ever been confused trying to figure out if I found someone attractive before.

I really have no idea.

After our first date I knew I wanted a second one. I thought about talking to her, which we did, and then now after the second date I find myself confused.  

Do I have to have all the answers? 

Why can't I just have fun right now until I figure out how I feel? 

My logical side says to slow down, that nothing has to be decided... but another part of me knows I can’t just keep this going forever. A DTR (Defining the Relationship) will happen. What then? What if I can’t decide how I feel? How can I tell her I am not sure, that she has baffled me?

I've never had this problem before.

I am supposed to call her this week and we will plan our next date, which she has offered to pay for (so progressive). While I don’t mind taking more time to try to figure out my feelings, I also don’t want to lead her on. I feel like the longer it goes on, she could be hurt if I decide against going forward.

But then I think of what good conversation we have had,

talking for a few hours and time going by so fast.
 

Is this a relationship or just like friendship?

Do I find her attractive in that way or am I just lonely?

I don’t know.

Honestly, I have never really enjoyed dating.

This crap is work and baffles my mind.

But there is one thing I do know,

This is the first time I got a second date,

So I guess that is growth!

~ Doubledb