Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community” (1/3)

Understand the Stats on Singles in the Church and Why they Exist:

The truth is most of the church caters to those who are married (with children). The church does not cater to singles; those who have never been married, those who are widowed, divorced, or celibate. There is a huge hole in church ministry, for despite the fact that singles in America (and the American church) now make up 50% of the population there is a lack of community and friendship between these singles and their married counterparts. Look in any church and ask if half of those sixteen or older are single and you have your answer.

How does this happen?

First, many adolescents stop attending church by choice; whether by lack of interest, conflicting activities, or friendships. Additionally, many stop attending church once they get into college either questioning their upbringing or they stop going since they are no longer “required” to attend (they lack a solid personal spiritual foundation). For those who do still attend the difference isn’t truly felt when singles are in college or graduate schools as there are often many opportunities to pursue (and places that provide) community. Sadly, those singles left at ages 22-25 try to attend some church for a while but normally end up dropping out until years later when they are married and have kids, around age 35*.

Understand Those Who are Single:

Perhaps you are single and your friends are in relationships or getting married. Perhaps you are in a relationship and feel scared of moving forward or of ending it. Scared to be alone and scared to fight for what you want and desire most.

Singles live in a world of fear. Fear we cannot speak about because it shows our faults, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses. The question that begs to be answered is: Why am I still single? And if singles dig deeper the scarier questions: What is wrong with me? Or Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I find someone I connect with? Someone I'm attracted to? Someone who will walk alongside me in life? Someone who will be there when I wake up and when I go to sleep? At first many of us have roommates to help possible feelings of alone-ness or loneliness, but as people move out to get married or pursue careers, we have the relegated options of living with our parents or living alone. We opt for alone. We know no other acceptable way, especially for males.

I felt after publishing the series I wrote a few months ago, "The Truth About: Being Single", that it might be beneficial to say that what I wrote, the feelings and thoughts, do not have to be the end of the story for those of us who are single, or even a part of the story at all. We as the church, as brothers and sisters in Christ, can create a new story, a new Kingdom community, one where we are not bound by class, gender, marital status, or any number of things which tend to separate and divide us.

But to reach past this issue here takes intentionality...

Intentionality on those single and those married.

To be continued…

~ Doubledb

Links*

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/09/15/for-the-first-time-there-are-more-single-american-adults-than-married-ones-and-heres-where-they-live/

http://www.pri.org/stories/2014-09-14/singles-now-outnumber-married-people-america-and-thats-good-thing

http://www.forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2014/09/11/the-us-is-becoming-more-european-half-of-adult-americans-are-now-single/

http://media.bonnint.net/dn/0/78/7841.jpg

http://www.pewforum.org/2010/02/17/religion-among-the-millennials/

On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (2/2)

In a world where friendships are fleeting and people seem to be forgetting each other, how long before those in the church stop being friends and just people all attending a ritual event each week? How long before people in the church stop trying to meet new people or introduce singles to other singles?

In a culture where friendships are zip-and-done, how do we disciple others to follow Christ if we can’t even understand how Jesus called someone his "friend". In a culture that hails in high-esteem individualism and public image, how willing are we to be daring, to be brave, to be courageous? If we can’t even be friends, can we be brothers and sisters in the faith? If not, then how are we different from the world? Then, are we not merely full of selfish ambition, only seeing our own self-importance? Where is the care for the other?

What will the future of friendships become?

These questions need to be asked and are far from being answered, far from even being known, since the internet and texting are still relatively new technology in our culture. Still, even now I often find myself questioning if the benefits outweigh the potential downfall. I often wonder if I closed my Facebook how many "friends" would notice and reach out? If I refused to ever reply to a text but required friends to meet with me in-person, talk on the phone, or through Skype - How many friends would oblige? How many would take the time to sit and talk, to carve out time?

In a world where friendships are fleeting, expendable, disposable - the next step is that all others beside us become the same. We become a world full of self-seeking narcissist, all competing to see who has amassed the most wealth, the greatest status, and the greatest number of friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter. We live lives of no depth, no care, no concern.

I see this tide coming. I try to fight against it but it seems like a wave coming to overtake, like a hurricane coming towards the shore. One person or even a few cannot fight this wave of disillusionment. However, if each of us would make a change, if each one would do something different; put down their smart phone and speak to a stranger, sit down with a new friend, delete those “friends” on Facebook who we haven’t conversed with in years, or simply call up an old friend to catch up.

Well, we just might have a chance at having significant friendships.

Friendships with Significant Depth.

~ Doubledb

On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (1/2)

I remember a time, a time when friendships were in-person, a time when friends met in-person instead of over the phone or through the internet or a text. I remember actually hearing people’s voices, seeing their body language and picking up on all the nuances from knowing and seeing someone in the flesh.

Friendships like this are sadly becoming abnormal, so it seems.

In our world of busy-is-good, where we are always seeking to reach out with and through the newest kind of technology, I fear while we may gain, we are losing something terrible at the same time, human connection. I am trained in a profession where I learn how to listen, how to hear, how to be; yet I see increasingly that the world is moving at a faster pace. Stillness is not a virtue. What we don't realize is when we give up being able to sit still and talk, we give up the ability to listen, we give up depth, we give up being vulnerable, we give up friendships, and we give up community. We become millions of individuals all connected through technology but most of us only related on the shallowest level of friendship possible.

When we cannot sit still, all the friends we make seem deep at first until we move onto the next thing. The problem is, there is always a next thing and we develop the seeming inability to make a new friend, reconnect with the friend we made last week, or friend we have't spoken to in years. We have already run miles from that context and are so wrapped up in our own world we forget and are often blind to those we have left behind... and for those of us who realize this is going on, we may feel it is us who have been left behind.

It seems like with this fast-paced world, you can meet a friend in a certain context; at school, church, or work - but when you try to initiate contact outside of that mutual context, things tend to get awkward. It's initiating us out of our comfort zone. We have unknowingly labeled that person, regulated them to a specific part of our life and out of that comfortable context we seemingly have no idea what to do with that friendship. 

In our world where everything has to be labeled, we have lost the art of good conversation, good communication, and knowing that it is acceptable and even good perhaps to make ourselves go through situations or friendships that are undefined, unclear, awkward, vulnerable, even daring.

~ Doubledb

The Truth About: Being Single (4/4)

Dear Lord, please guide me in friendships and potential relationships, open my eyes to see genuine people and help to know when to put myself out there and when to save my time and energy. Help me to always put you first. Help me to be content if I should marry or if I should stay single. Help me to remember my contentment isn't based on marital status but based on your life, on your love, and grace. Help me to remember while friends come and leave, whether I am married or single, that you remain constant.

Help me to remember your loving-kindness to me no matter wherever or whoever I am; single or married. Help me to remember in Your Kingdom such differences which to us seem huge actually matter very little compared to your goodness. We are of one body, brothers and sister in Christ.

Help me to remember that I can learn from those who are married and those who are parents. Help others to know they can learn from me as well, only I must be willing to speak.... Help me to speak. help others to speak up, to speak out, that we may not hide in the darkness of superiority or fear, of pride and perfection, or lack of identity and a good self-image. Help us to lay down our defenses, turn to one another, to support one another, in our sorrows as well as in our joys.

Help us not to forget our importance is not based on marital status but on knowing you and making you known to others, by being a light in this darkened world. Help us when our priorities are skewed, when our desires might not have you first. Let us know you hear our heart... but let us not be so focused on our wants and desires that we forget our need for you, that we forget to be thankful for the good things we have in this life.

Also, help us to persevere and keep focused. 

Life is full of easy distractions. A-men.

~ Doubledb
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The Truth About: Being Single (3/4)

From November 2013 through June 2014 I wholeheartedly put myself into the world of online dating. Despite all the messages sent and hours upon hours spent on these sites, I only ever went on about ten dates, some being chats on Skype when distance was an issue. While I know many others who met this way, even as one who is more introverted and enjoys writing, I began to find online dating very unperson-able and detached. I missed actually meeting and getting to know someone, in-person.

Most people online project an image to attract others, sometimes it is older pictures of how they used to look while other times they have pictures of all the trips and fancy places they have visited. Most want a relationship ideally but don't seem bold or brave enough to do the one thing that truly matters, be themselves. Of course, that takes vulnerability.

There were some occasions on dates where women would passively belittle the place I chose to go or some interest that I enjoyed. Other times I would express an opposing view on something and they would be taken aback. I could tell this is not what they desired, for what they seemed to expect was someone to agree with them on everything, to find only commonalities. True, while commonalities and interest are important, what I found through all of this was that differences make us unique and interesting.

More than anything I found out I want a woman who will disagree with me, who will challenge and encourage me, to throw me off my game and keep me on my toes. I don't desire someone who will change me but instead someone who will make me think and who will call me out in truth when needed. This, of course, would be reciprocal.

However, after months of online dating, of beginning to feel detached, I decided to pull back, at least from being so intentional and spending so much time. I really feel like I get more out of meeting real people, making real friends and being around others with whom I can be myself, instead of feeling like I have to project a certain image, facade, and send the perfect message to connect at all. I've learned when it comes to dating, it is far less important to focus on the when and how and instead to focus on the who, on the character and depth of a person, as well as their intellect, humor, and of course their commitment to Christ.

 

Today while working I sat with a man weeping and yelling, his wife had just died suddenly. He truly cared for her deeply. That is what I want. Despite feelings of loneliness, I do not want to just get into a relationship or marriage with anyone, to simply not be alone. And as difficult as this journey has been, I also do not want to just give up either. There is something to be said for persistence and perseverance, for finding strength in our weakness, for believing that God can and does still do amazing things. And it is for those things and people we care about the most deeply that we struggle, work, weep, and cry.

So, I press forward, I grow in this; unable to know the eventual outcome until my life unfolds completely. But I do know that I am kept in Christ, that when everything else is stripped away, when others are taken away, when all else fails, still.. Christ remains.

To God be the glory, always. A-men!

~ Doubledb
10/12/2014

Images: 1 : 2&3 =BMW DVD: Season 1

The Truth About: Being Single (2/4)

What you do not see and do not hear, are all the things singles hide from you. those singles not seeing anyone or who are dating but hide their feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Some dating or in a relationship hide the same things, all fearful of the unknown, of being hurt, but desiring to put themselves out there to find love and also avoid the biggest fear of all - facing the future alone.

Sure we start out with friends, but as one grows older, as one moves, friends get engaged, married, have kids, and start families. These things create distance, couples find friends with others couples and parents with other parents. Over time singles get use to being alone, having friendships drop; the un-returned calls, e-mails, messages.. it all just becomes the norm. This is simply the way of things.

The single learns to invest wisely in friendships, for these are the people who choose to stand beside you in good or bad times; yet there is a slight reluctance to put too much effort into friendships sometimes, as some can be fickle and few of us find good-quality friends that will reciprocate in ways we want - even more-so in ways we need.

Oh, there is certainly joy in our life. There are hobbies and interest, not all is perpetually sad or confusing, not all is alone-ness, but somewhere, in all the ways we will try to distract ourselves; all the books we read alone, all the movies and TV shows, the additional jobs we take, and even the times we volunteer. It is there. In the background, always there is the question: Will I always feel alone? Will I always be alone? Will God provide me friends? Will God provide me a spouse? These questions surface the most as singles try to sleep or as they rise early, in the silence of those times. This is part of the single life.

But all is not wanting, all is not alone-ness, for there is pursuit and being pursued, feelings of anticipation mixed with caution, nervousness mixed with excitement, feelings while trying to maintain some logic and sanity.

~ Doubledb

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The Truth About: Being Single (1/4)

Single, married, divorced, parents, rich, poor... most of us hide our insecurities, issues, troubles, trials, struggles, longings, and questions. Someone always has to be the first one to open up, start the conversation, break the proverbial ice. The problem is... opening up is scary.

A few weeks back I wrote a post about forsaking fear-based living, one of the things I fear opening up and writing about is being single. First, not everyone needs to know your personal stuff nor your deep and inner thoughts. Secondly, by opening up and writing, not only does one get to have such thoughts and feelings released, but these thoughts may help another person along the way. At least, the hope for a writer is that the words will not just go out into the dark void of the internet and the hope for a conversation if the other person doesn't just respond to such depth by sitting in stunned silence or running from you as if you were on fire. If this happens often, you might consider getting new friends, just a suggestion.

The truth is, I don't like to write about being single. Being single is confusing. Obviously I've been confused for a while now. It is also vulnerable, especially writing about it, opening up about the thoughts and feelings that well up inside. Most of the time this is simply too difficult, too taxing, and most of us, including myself, leave this part of our life silent, except maybe for a select few.

It means opening up a part of yourself you would rather keep hidden from others, and even from yourself. It means letting others into a part of your life in which you may feel the most inept, most unsure, even bitter. Even though I do write about being single occasionally on my public blog, it is only in general broad strokes, usually from an intellectual, not emotional, level, for this is far easier (and safe) than putting the whole truth out there.

If I could pick one show that is the closest to how it feels to be single, I'd say "How I Met You Mother" is the closest for me. Ten Seasons and Ted only meets his wife (the mother) at the very end. The show is all about his struggles and joys, not just in finding his wife but in his friendships and in finding his own identity: How do I approach failure? How do I deal with married and single friends? Friends with children? How do I deal with feelings of alone-ness, confusion, and even joy by myself? If I share such feelings with others, to whom do I share? These are questions the show tackles with its brand of humor mixed with drama, comedy mixed with emotion, laughter mixed with truth.

Still, the one truth that I have found is that while no single 'dates Jesus', He is our friend, our teacher, our center. God is ever-present with us, as well as the Holy Spirit as our guide and counselor. When we lose our focus on these truths, our (pursuit of) friendships and relationships become idols.

~ Doubledb

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I Don't Believe in "The One"

How a Professors Words Changed my Thoughts on Dating & Marriage

When I was in college, I remember the day my Old Testament professor said these words:
“I don't believe in the one.”

GASP

This shocked everyone: How could he not believe in finding the one? How could he not believe in love? He's married, right? Doesn't he believe in God's plan for us all? Especially this was astonishing and disconcerting to the females who asked: And how does your wife feel about this? The professor with a thoughtful yet stoic face replied that she knew and agreed.

Slowly a smirk and grin began to appear on his face. This is when he began to speak that, of course, he believes in love; however, we are ever-saturated by a world and media that shows us these exhilarating love stories, how two people meet in the most random way, at the perfect time, and both of course are super-attractive.

The problem is that none of that is real life. A real love story is complex, has layers. Love takes action, time, and wisdom to find and grow. It takes sacrifice. Real love desires but respects. It is something in our control and yet seemingly out of our control at the very same time. However, real love is always a choice. A choice we make each and every day one way or the other.

Indeed, love is formed from every choice made. Every new friendship made, every time you shake a hand or say hello; every invitation, message, and conversation you have is a choice, whether initiating or reacting. Any love, any bond; friendship, relationship or marriage is based on choice.

Then my professor made a point I have never forgotten. He said he believed there are many potentials of someone to love. There are many people you could fall in love with, connect to through physical attraction, intellect, humor, music, and faith.

He told us we would meet many of these people before and after getting married. However, when you walk with someone, get married, and make that commitment, and then journey with that person in life – then and only then does that person become the one, your one; you for them and them for you. Not based off fate or two half’s becoming whole but based on attraction, wisdom, friendship, choice, commitment, and the life-long bond that creates.

Then when you meet someone else who might know more, be more humorous, or even more attractive. You can appreciate these qualities but that person is not the one. The one is the person with whom you are married, committed, and faced life with through all of its highs and lows, obstacles and challenges, joys and celebrations. At one time meeting such a person, they might have been a potential one, now they are others; acquaintances and friends.

It is this truth, he said, that holds and bonds a marriage together and keeps temptations to go after others, to wonder what-if, and even to get divorced at bay. It's about choice, commitment, and a shared life – not finding the one. So, I don't believe in the one, he said...

You become one over time.

~ Doubledb

What Is God's Will And How Can It Be Found?

What is God’s will? That is the question. We are taught in the church God's will is something we can attain, that if we pray enough, struggle enough, talk to others enough it is something we will (easily) figure out. In his book Mere Christianity, CS Lewis speaks about God being outside of time. If the vastness of God were a sheet of paper, time and all of us in it might be just a dot, a speck on that paper.

Think about that.

The truth is, God's will, like life, is much more complicated, instead of being black and white it can seem grey, instead of being linear it is more like a blank page with dots seemingly spread randomly, each representing a choice we could make or a person we could meet to help us in the right direction. At first to us it may just seem like a random mishmash.

In the church we are taught that there is only one story, one line or path that is God's will for us. This means any decision we make incorrectly could be terrible because if it’s not part of the plan, not part of His plan,  what happens to us if mess up, don't follow, or disobey?

The problem is that in the scriptures there are plenty of stories where God works with humanity despite their flaws, so being wrong may not be what God desires for us, but it can help us learn and be able to better know more about ourselves; who we are, and that becomes part of God's plan and story for our life.

Maybe God's will is more about a metamorphosis in us, a transforming, and all the changes in us that take place as we seek to become more like Christ. So then, first we must ask if such choices or decisions are full of selfishness and pride. Are we putting what we want first or are we putting God first? Is Christ first in our life? This should be the first and most important question.

This means if we have two great job opportunities that are a good fit, we do not have to worry about choosing the wrong job. One could pick the one that will help provide better for their family, maybe it pays a little more or is closer to relatives. Maybe it might help one pay off student or credit card debt. So long as we are following God first, such decisions between two good options need not weigh us down; instead we have freedom in Christ for good things.

This brings me to the second aspect of God's will, which is being confused or uncomfortable. Does this make you uncomfortable? Yes, as odd as it sounds, sometimes I feel that being in God's will is something that tends to make us feel uncomfortable. Indeed, if God's will is about transforming us, this means we will be stretched and challenged. Are you being challenged? How else are we to grow and learn?

People ask me what it is like moving from family and friends states away to come and work as a Chaplain. I tell them I enjoy my job but miss everyone. There is a lot of truth and emotion in that one simple statement. Sure I keep up with them; however, the difficulty comes in not being able to connect with them in-person. The truth is that sometimes we must make sacrifices and choices... or make sacrifices with our choices. My choice was to follow God and trust him to provide or to stay in Texas with family and friends but be miserable professionally, likely working a minimum wage job somewhere, barely getting by and not using my abilities.

God wanted more for me than barely getting by; He wanted me to thrive.

He wants you to thrive as well!

However, I had to take the step of applying to positions outside of Texas. Then, as I began to get interviews (being uncomfortable yet excited about that fact), doors began to open. I remember after getting those first e-mails from other states, I finally said, "Ok God, well if I'm offered a position and I take it, You are going to have to provide… a lot, especially a good church and friends."

I did find a wonderful church and am still in the process of making friends. Yes, it is difficult… and that is part of growing, of being with God in that difficulty. God doesn't just want your prayer requests for peace, wisdom, and answers to a choice, decision, or situation; He wants you to grieve and struggle with Him just as much as you thank Him endlessly in times of joy and celebration. This is how He works in and through us each and every day, back and forth, the Potter to the clay.

So, What is Gods Will?
(1) He wishes for you to follow and put Christ first.
(2) He wishes to make you uncomfortable so you will grow.
(3) His will is normally seen more in hindsight than in the present.
(4) Thus, His will is something we must go through… then it is made known.

What do you think of God's will?
How do you seek it, perceive it, know it, experience it?

~ Doubledb

Next Blog:
I Don't Believe in "The One":
How a Professors Words Changed my Thoughts on Dating & Marriage

Do You Love Me More Than These?

A Closer Look at John 21

Despite the popularity of the Gospel of John, most overlook the way it ends. However, the end is a very important part of how the church began and how God comes to restore each of us after we stumble and fall.

See, after Jesus predicted Peter would deny him, which Peter reacted to in disbelief, Peter did end up denying Christ just as he had told him. After the Crucifixion though, along with the other disciples, Peter left and went back to his old ways.

Peter went back to fishing, going out in his boat and casting his nets... no longer was he a fisher of men. This fact is often overlooked. Peter, though had claimed Jesus as the Christ, still fell, he denied, he abandoned his faith, he then left and went to follow who he was before. Oh, how often do we do the same.

So, Jesus comes up to Peter, with his nets full of fish, full of his old life and ask: "Peter, do you love me more than these?" Do you love me more than these fish? Do you love me more than your old life? Your own ways? Your habits or desires? Your deep dark thoughts or doubts? Your addictions to self? Your thinking only of yourself? Do you, Peter, love me more than these?

Peter replies twice in the Greek that he loves Jesus unconditionally (Agape); yet Jesus repeats the question a third time, asking Peter if he even loves him as a friend (Phileo), are they even close at all? Peter replied a third time to which Jesus replied, "Go feed my sheep."

See, not only do we see a parallel here between the three times Peter denied Christ and the three times he is asked this question - but this means something amazing for us as well:

When we are uncertain and run from God, God will restore us if we still claim to know Him, and most importantly if we lay down our life, our fish, our ways or things or issues or people we love more than God and take up His name, His Kingdom, feeding his lambs, making our life about following Christ and serving others, not self; feeding His sheep and not our own stomachs.

So, Jesus comes to you today at your school, campus, home, or work and asks:
Do you love me more than these? You know what he means, and He means you to sacrifice it, whatever it may be, for this is what blocks you from growing, from becoming more like Christ; being able to know, follow, and obey.

Do you love me more than these?
Only you know the answer....

~ Doubledb

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The Truth About: The Flesh vs. The Spirit 3/3

I am so very sorry Lord when I fail you, when my feelings, my flesh, the distractions of the world take your place, when other things are given priority. When I am confused, lost, and instead of turning to you, I sometimes push your sweet still-small voice away.

I cry and weep for that which I do not have... but do I weep for the lost, the sick, the weak, the needy, for others in the same way? Damn my selfish heart, my lonely heart, for it cries out to be loved, more than to love, it grieves what I do not have instead of being thankful for that which I possess.

I struggle between being content (where I can be lazy) and taking initiative (where I can push myself too hard). Help me to find balance. Help me to be wise in how I spend my time, with whom I spend my time, and where my thoughts go throughout the day. May I invest in activities and people that enrich my life and may my thoughts ever-be turning back toward You.

Help me in those times when my flesh seems to overtake my spirit, when I am weak, please make me strong by the life, teachings, death, and resurrection of Jesus the Christ. Help me by the counsel, guidance, and wisdom of your Holy Spirit. Help me God the Father as Parent, as one who cares deeply for me and loves me unconditionally despite my failures and all the times I lose focus and turn away. May I always be reminded of Your goodness, Your love, and Your eternal kindness.

A-men

         ~ Doubledb

The Truth About: The Flesh vs. The Spirit 2/3

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. - Galatians 5:16-17

We satisfy self. We are empty, so we fill ourselves with food. We feel ugly or fat so we starve ourselves. We want love so we seek out quick fixes and relationships by getting involved with those who lack character, reading fanciful romance novels, or devouring unrealistic movies, including being drawn in by porn. We do not know how to deal with our life, our thoughts, or our emotions, so we pick up bottles of booze, of medications, or drugs and try to lose ourselves. Indeed, we are lost.

We feel like others do not understand, so we hide in our shells, lock ourselves up so that no one can see inside. We sit alone so we remain hidden or we slip on a fake smile. Perhaps we take part in endless activities, doing anything and everything to stay busy, because if we sat still, if we had to be quiet, even for a moment, our demons, our struggles come out to meet us. BUT!

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. - Galatians 5:22-25

Instead of bringing these issues to God, sitting at His feet, we let our thoughts; our minds become bombarded by this world. Instead of feeding our Spirit, we feed the Flesh. Instead of being real at church, with our brothers or sisters in Christ, we hide. Only, what we do not know is that the longer we hide, the longer Satan has to get into our lives, the more our fleshly groans louder, the more we can miss Gods still-small voice in our lives.

This week, feed your Spirit not your Flesh. This week, go out when you would sit.. or sit when you would go out. This week, be open with a brother or sister in Christ that you trust. Stop hiding. Let them know what is going on in you, where you have been struggling, then ask for prayer. Finally, ask others what they are going through and seek out ways to pray and care for them as well.

May we start challenging ourselves to be more open and authentic, to make and create safe places where we can share life and faith, the good and bad. May we mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. And in all things, May Christ be Praised.

~ Doubledb

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The Truth About: The Flesh vs. The Spirit 1/3

We live in a time, in a church that seeks and years for openness; yet it does not seem ready for the deep truths and sadness and struggles in the lives of its members. While the church is diving deeper into helping those who have been divorced, face death, grief, loss, depression, weight issues, drug, and alcohol issues; is the church ready for openness regarding other deep issues? Is the church ready to discuss body image/self-esteem issues, eating disorders, abuse, anger, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, adultery, lust, premarital sex, masturbation, or pornography (to name a few)?

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
- Galatians 5:19-21

Our members wants frankness but aren't quite sure if the church is a safe place. Will people gossip about us? Will they put out prayer requests on issues we might not want public? Will they think ill of us for admitting fault? The truth is we are all dirty, that none are perfect, and that Christ died for all our sins. We have mental images of others being perfect Christians, but this is simply not true, a lie to deceive us. I believe we all are simply too scared to let down our defenses, too fearful to be honest and vulnerable, too hurt to weep with others or for ourselves while on the outside we feel the ongoing need to express ongoing contentment, happiness, joy, and smiles to those watching.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! - Romans 7: 21-25a

Can and will we be able to share our struggles, trials, and confusions about life? Paul tells us we have two competing desires, while one part of us bows before God in our spirit, another part of us bows before self, forsaking God and others, even sacrificing our future when we are swayed by our temporal fleshly desires.

~ Doubledb

Image: 1

Things Left Unsaid

You drew a picture, Onto my heart,
Right onto my heart for a moment.
I spoke your sweet name, I got to know you,
I saw your kind heart for a moment.

Things left unsaid, things left behind,
Thoughts and Feelings inside I had to hide.
The truth was strong, My Feelings Deep,
The journey so hard and long sometimes I had to weep.

You were a sweet song, A Loving Melody,
We were in tune for a moment.
A choir Sang, Angels were heard on high,
They spoke your name for a moment.

Things left unsaid, Things left behind,
Thoughts and Feelings inside I couldn't hide.
I told the truth, I took a risk,
All for maybe just one kiss.

You walked away from, From my heart,
I hope only for a moment.
The picture fades, The song then ceased,
Still I got to know you for a moment.

Things left Unsaid, Left you behind,
Had to go away and heal myself inside.
My feelings deep, Those thoughts of you,
Now becoming old what once was so new.

Things left unsaid, Now in the void,
Another time, another one, Empty affections to leave behind.
But hope remains, There's always new,
New pictures and songs to paint with someone new.

You drew a picture, Onto my heart,
Right onto my heart for a moment.
I spoke your sweet name, I got to know you,
I saw your kind heart for a moment.

~ Daniel Brockhan

Meeting Leslie: Part 3

The last few months have been very confusing for me. Before "Leslie" left for college she kept putting off seeing a movie with me.. maybe next week she kept saying. Then I said I thought it would be better if we did not hang out one-on-one since she had a boyfriend. I tried to message her a few times that month and she just kept saying she was busy.

So, I met up with her when I went to go do an orientation for my second job in another city. She was supposed to get a group together, which happened to be one other person who ended up leaving before I got there, so I said we could go ahead and meet since I was already in town. We had a good time, at least I enjoyed spending a little while talking to her. We did hug as I left.

A few weeks later I got her address to sent her some of my books to borrow, related to something we had talked about when I talked with her. Shortly after I suggested we try to catch-up on Skype or through a phone call. She seemed genuinely interested and told me she made time on her calender. Since our schedules had both been so crazy I was excited to get to speak to her in person, because I tire of the internet, even if I do like to write... being away from friends and family so much makes you crave real interactions with peoples tone, humor, body language, and actually seeing their face.

So the day came and I was ready to get on Skype in an hour to chat with her when I see a new message. I just knew this was bad. I think I almost knew this was coming. She was going to cancel on me. Sure enough, my fears were true. She and her boyfriend had a talk (in the three hours since we had confirmed meeting that night on Skype) about hanging out and talking to someone of the opposite sex on the phone or on Skype.

Stab!

I replied that I understood but I was sad, though I couldn't truly admit why I was hurt. My brain told me I was stupid, because she has a boyfriend, what are you doing? I told my brain I was trying to be friends, at least, try to continue to connect with her, even if I cannot tell her how I feel right now, especially now with this. My feelings told me to feel horrible, that it was ok, that my brain was stupid and over thinks everything anyways, sometimes it is ok to follow your heart, to try to connect with someone, and when that connection is blocked, it is ok to be sad and grieve a little.

So, We can still do group things, only with our schedules and her being out of town... I'm just not sure how much that will really work. I try to remind myself that friendships take months and years to form, and relationships that potentially grow out of a friendship take time as well. Still, I keep finding myself asking God: Why am I in this situation? Why did I meet this women? Why did I meet her now when she has a boyfriend and not at some other time? I mean, it would have been much more convenient otherwise, right? But that is simply not how real life works.

So, this is where I find myself. I included her in a message with friends for some group stuff I'm trying to plan, though I don't know if any of it will work out or if she will even be free. Frankly, I don't know what I am doing or why I care to try so much here. I guess when you feel you connect with someone, that urge can be very strong and since I don't find myself connecting with a lot of people where I live, I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I think she is worth the effort, even if it is only friendship... but I question how much effort and when does it make sense to stop.

I pray God guide me and direct me here. I've always felt a disconnect between God and my dating life. I am sure he is there and is involved, I'm just not always sure exactly how. But still, I press forward. I'm not saying I am not looking to make other friends or wouldn't be open to meeting or dating anyone else if that happened, but if the last year has taught me something, it is that finding, making, and keeping friends in this new place is going to be very difficult. People have other friends and routines, so new people mostly have to be invited into this system, trying to create one of your own from the random people you meet and know seems almost impossible here.

And so my story keep unfolding,

Though I am not ever quite sure exactly where it is going.

~ Doubledb

Our First Affection: Part 2 of 2

Fasting

About a month ago I finished reading through John Piper's book on Fasting called "A Hunger for God". I had read the book a few years ago when I was merely curious about the practice. At the time I was in a supervision in ministry class and my pastor, who was my mentor, asked if I had ever fasted and would I fast while going through this book? I replied in the past I had fasted from television, video games, and the internet but only rarely ever had fasted from food. I then told him I was merely curious to read a book that went deeper into the spiritual discipline. The truth was, I wasn’t ready at all to seriously seek out to do such a thing. I mean, I like food and I don’t like feeling hungry. That should have told me something but at the time I was too hard-headed to hear God in the midst of all the other things I had going on at the time.

While reading this book again recently my church asked the congregation to fast if the spirit led them, as we had our pastor move back to Texas and our church is seeking God's will on where to go next. For some reason this time I thought I might begin trying to do this thing called fasting, after all, not only is my church seeking direction, but I am still trying to adjust to a huge transition in my life, continue to seek out and make friends, as well as ponder with God if there may or may not ever be a spouse and family in my future.

I'd say the first few times I did not last long trying to NOT eat because I did not much like the feeling of being hungry, much like I expected. In fact, sometimes I would decide I was hungry enough and semi-gorge myself on food. Then it started to hit me. What am I really hungry for food at times? Am I hungry for jobs to pay down student loan debt? Am I hungry for friends? Am I truly hungry for food? Am I hungry for a relationship? Am I hungry for God? And why does it take me all those other questions to get to pondering my hunger for God?

Fasting is one expression of our struggle. Fasting is the voluntary denial of a normal function for the sake of intense spiritual activity. It is a sign of our seriousness and intensity. When we fast, we are intentionally relinquishing the first right given to the human family in the garden - the right to eat.... Our fasting is part of our wresting with God. It is part of the birth pangs we endure in order to see new life come forth.
- Richard J. Foster, Prayer: Finding The Heart's True Home

And then another proverbial blow to my mind. I even wrote about it in my last blog. It is all about the loss of control. We indulge in these things, these distractions, we find ourselves consumed by materialism and individualism, by technology, by relationships, and these easily become distractions and idols because we simply are fearful, truly and utterly fearful about giving God control, about handing our life, every situation truly and openly up to Him. I think Job says it best, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord"(1:21).

This here is they key. We have to find a way to be content in all situations, good or bad, things that make sense or confuse us, knowing that in some way this, right now, right here in the present is exactly where we are supposed to be. God gives us a choice right here and now to follow Him or follow the world, but either way He desires and will try to nudge us, give us small impressions to follow Him. He will seek to guide us with his gentle small voice, but we can only have eyes to see past our blindness and ears to hear past our deafness if we relinquish control, accept where we are and seek out God, laying down all and every external.

This is not for the faint of heart, but I feel like if we are to take on such a thing, truly desire to seek out God and his ongoing wills for our life, we must see where we are, put ourselves in his ever-loving hands, trust he will mold us and guide us. One way we do this, placing him in this position of control, is by fasting, by practicing sacrificing our desires in seeking Him out.

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. - Matthew 6:16-18

We do not have to fast from food, or food alone, but the discipline is there and it is very clear that when people are seeking God and seeking discernment, for impressions from the spirit that this is a spiritual discipline to be practiced. In fact, Jesus does not say if we practice this but when we practice, so the questions are left to us.

Are we willing to give up control? Are we willing to put ourselves in God's hands?
Are we willing to fast from things that are between us and God?
Are we willing to listen to God's still-small voice and be open to the impression of the Holy Spirit?
Are we willing to move forward with God not knowing the outcome or its timing?
Are we willing to do the work to put God as our first and prime affection?

It is up to each of us to decide.

~ Doubledb

Our First Affection: Part 1 of 2

Our First Affection

Who should be our first affection? Most reading this will likely say Jesus Christ, or at least the Triune God. Does our life truly reflect that fact? I think about how many distractions we have in our life: Work, Television, The Internet, Tablets, Cell Phones, Spouses, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Fiances, Children, Family, even Friends. We have a great many things calling out, yelling for our time, screaming for our attention; yet God does not compete with us like the world does. God does not come at us raging but comes to us in a still small voice, ever present, ever near, ever with his arms wide open.

We are the ones who pass God. Maybe we decide simply not to go to church for no reason. Maybe we decide not to pick up our bibles to read. Perhaps we feel tired so we decide not to pray. Little by little such things take us from God and we are likely to spend our time pursuing other avenues. None of the things which distract us or that we might put before God are bad or evil or sinful in and of themselves, but it is when we fool ourselves, when we find ourselves placing such things in front of God, in front of Christ that these things become idols, become things that can actually keep us from God.

Here are some thoughts from Fancis De Sales on True Devotion:

There is only one true devotion, but there are many that are false and empty.... In his pictures Arelius painted all faces after the manner and appearance of the woman he loved and so too everyone paints devotion according to his own passions and fancies.... Many persons clothe themselves with certain outward actions connected with holy devotion, and the world believes that they are truly devout and spiritual whereas they are in fact nothing but copies and phantoms of devotion.

These are some strong images for those of us who do attend church, go to bible study, do our prayers; yet in the midst of life perhaps we are not as devoted to God as others may think, even as we may think. Perhaps this is because instead of comparing ourselves to Christ we compare ourselves to others who are less involved, less loving, less caring, less self-sacrificing, when instead we should be asking God ways to make us more involved, more caring, more self-sacrificing. Perhaps we are just to blinded by our own life and the world around us to hear God speaking to us in that Gentle Whisper as we run hurried to this place and from that place, never stopping to listen, to hear. We must put our affections and love towards Christ, for he is eternal while the world around us remains temporary.

I think this is where the thoughts or Richard Rolle will challenge us:

But this eternal and overflowing love does not come when I am relaxing, nor do I feel this spiritual ador when i am tired out after, say, traveling, nor is it [there] when i am absorbed with worldly interests or engrossed in never-ending arguments. At times like these I catch myself growing cold; cold until once again I put away all things external, and make a real effort to stand in my Savior's presence only then do I abide in this inner warmth.... Love for God and love for the world cannot exist in the same soul; the stronger drives out the weaker, and it soon appears who loves the world and who follows Christ. The strength of peoples love is shown in what they do.

And this brings us to two outcomes when it comes to our affections, either we have chosen to follow self, which will lead us away from God or we choose to make Christ our prime affection. Here is the key I think, with either choice God will desire to break us in some manner. For those who chose to walk away from God, perhaps follow some sin or idol, putting it in the place of God, I believe God will begin to break the person down by ridding them of their idols, by showing them these temporal objects will not last nor satisfy.

For the others, who seek to partner with God in making Him first, what are they to do? Everyone knows the typical answers such as seek God, go to church, pray, and read scripture. These are all good but I wonder if we are necessarily doing anything to show God our hearts true intent for Him to reign supreme. I think for us to truly begin to place God first we must sacrifice. There is a spiritual discipline for this to help us learn to sacrifice, one that many of us have forgotten or neglected called fasting...

May God stir our affections...  to be continued.

 

~ Doubledb

Christianity Unchained

I go to church. I read devotional books and blogs. So much of what I see is safe Christianity. We stay away from the tough subjects. We remain closed-off from the deeper truths that in each of our lives; the pain, loneliness, negative thoughts, and more that we each keep hidden behind the veil, the image we all portray to others that our life is perpetually happy, fine, and ok. The truth is most of us are far from ok.

I think God wants more openness and vulnerability. I think people are crying out for authenticity. Why do we always need to have order to our worship, our services, our programming, and our prayers? A little disorder and freedom might do us well. Certainly we can take freedom too far and some order is needed; but lately I keep asking myself: Where is the beauty? Where is the spontaneity and freedom of the Holy Spirit in our lives? Where is the life? Where is the rush of the love of God flowing out in amazing and crazy ways among us as Christians?

Why do we not have banners and art adorning the hallways, rooms, and sanctuaries of our churches from church members? Where are the writers, the poets, and the readers? Where are the song writers and their original songs being sung, performed, and played? Why do we buy and perform only music and bible studies that are pre-packaged and sold when plenty of us are creative and thought-provoking?

Why? That is the question. Is it because we are fearful of letting the Spirit go wild in us, giving God control? If we can know the songs, books, and studies are all approved by publishers or merchandisers at the local Christian bookstore, then we can remain safe perhaps, we can maintain control.

Maybe we do not need so much control. Maybe our need to control is what is keeping us chained down. And, because of these chains we are currently losing this generation who desire authenticity, openness, honesty, discussion, who need some order in their lives but also need to see the abundant freedom of the Spirit moving among us as well.

I remember years ago interviewing for a youth ministry positions and one of the questions I received often was about what bible study series from the Christian bookstore I use to teach youth. They always had surprised looks when I told them I wrote, and preferred to write, my own lessons.

I suppose somewhere in high school, I just no longer agreed with the culture of Christian merchandizing, whether it was the items for things like See You at The Pole or the newest book on the front shelf of the Christian bookstore. I began to find, for me, that Christianity was less about the stuff and more about the content, quality, and love. I began to find value in older Christian writers, as well as disciplines like solitude and simplicity that run counter to our American culture, which is fast-paced and anything but simple.

Hear me here. What we do not need is another t-shirt, wrist-band, or event; what we need is to seek and run after God with our whole heart daily, to allow Him to change us, for us to become unchained Christians ever-so-wonderfully lost in the midst of God's control and his loving hands as He guides and directs us. Then, as God changes us, we will show his love and tell of His greatness.

God does not need merchandizing nor events, for we as the church worshiping God and loving others in community, this is our advertising, these are our holy events. When we do such things as the church we are shinning as the light in the darkness of this world. This is how people will see, come, and know Christ. This is how they will become disciples of Jesus, by letting go and giving ourselves to God, wholeheartedly and unchained.

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: ³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ - Matthew 22:37-39 

~ Doubledb

Letter to Men

Our culture would have you believe men come in one of two categories, either they are the Ray Romano’s and Tim-the-Toolman Taylor’s who have a difficult time with logic or they are the strong and silent Ron Swanson's who like to eat meat, hunt, and would prefer to live alone in a cabin in the woods and never have to talk to another living soul ever again. These are lies. We are more than this.

Our culture would have you believe men are emotionless creatures, who follow pure logic or no logic at all, that they are creatures who pursue their visually stimulated lustful thoughts and have seemingly no control over their actions. We are either robot or beast.

This is also untrue.

Men have a depth. I have seen it, but it lies behind a veil that not to many women or other men will ever get to see. Men have been taught since they were young that their emotions are wrong, that they should not cry or be vulnerable. Still, even for those lucky enough to have good parents who encouraged open communication and allowed their sons to express these emotions, the world pushes them back as they enter school, college, the workforce, and pursue relationships.

I have seen men weep because they cannot find work to pay bills or provide for their family. I have seen men weep and question how they can be so selfish when they truly desire to love their wife more than themselves. I have seen men weep, gushing tears after a breakup, divorce, or death of a spouse, lacking sleep and not being able to eat for days or weeks. But from others, from the world, these emotions are hidden. Why?

There are expectations.

Men feel these expectations. Men do not have an out when it comes to life. People generally do not feel sorry for men. We are supposed to be independent and strong. When we leave to college we are expected to be self-sufficient and never need help. True, some do run back home and waste their lives pursuing their man-toys like video games or sports cars, but true men fight to live and are sometimes weighed down by these expectations. We are expected to have high paying jobs, expected to always have friends, and though not as verbal, we are expected to find someone and marry by a certain age.

But none of these pieces make a man.

A real man finds that there is strength in admitting his weakness, because this is the only way he can ever grow. A real man knows his emotions are there for a reason and allows himself to be honest and vulnerable but also sees the wisdom in only allowing himself to open up to those who are close and loyal.

Responsibility not Expectations drives real men.

Responsibility is taking hold of your dreams and pursuing them, knowing that no one else can live your life but you. Responsibility means you have to be the one who initiates friendships or a relationship, taking the risk of rejection or you are responsible for never even trying and putting yourself out there at all. It means working hard for your family or your future family, paying off debt, and sacrificing in the present for your future. Finally, men taking responsibility means single or married, you take up caring for those with whom you are close; friends, family, and others in need.

Men, I know you grow up thinking life is about becoming strong and independent but somewhere along the way I think we all learn being a real man is NOT about being an individual but about being a part of a community, a family, a person who cares deeply for others and wishes to be known.

Men only hold back because we are too fearful to move forward, we are protected and guarded, because while we were told to be strong, we still care what others think and how they perceive us. 

But at some point we will hopefully decide to start letting those expectations and worries about what others think go; instead learning that life, a good life, is letting others in, caring for them, encouraging them, and seeing them grow and succeed.

Men, never be afraid to be open and to be yourself. Don’t let our culture dictate what you should do, how you should act, or what you should share. Play and watch sports. Write Poetry. Sing Songs. Play Paintball. Go Hunting. Like Star Wars and Chick Flicks. Be You!

Know that being a man is more than pieces. Being strong and confident in yourself as a whole makes the man. Finally, remember Jesus was the man who threw over the tables of the money-changers taking advantage of the poor and wept and mourned the death of his friend Lazarus. If we are looking for an image of a man worth striving to be, we should start there, with the boldness and compassion of Jesus Christ.

~ Doubledb

Adult Friendships: Part 2 of 2

In all truth, I don’t think we consciously know what we are doing all the time. I think after so much time it becomes like second nature. We hear a new friend say something that triggers a memory and we retreat. We offer to hang out or talk, they say they are busy or do not respond, and so our first and initial reaction it to cut them off because we don’t like even the potential and possible hint of rejection.

Finally, I think it is more difficult to become friends as we get older because, not only does it mean being open and vulnerable with another person; but it means that we have to carve out time from our life. One has to be a lot more intentional.

When we were young we didn’t have as many responsibilities and friends; yet, as we get older our list of duties, of rules, of hurts, of wounds; all of these things grow and become part of who we are inside. To become friends later in life means letting someone into this larger and more complex world that we have become. I think we find this scary. I think the reason it is harder to make friends as one gets older is simply this: Fear.

There was a time when we were young and innocent, that we trusted others, when we simply asked someone if they wanted to be friends; however, now we become much more general, asking people if they want to hangout sometime or how they are doing? We put these responses out there, seeing, hoping to get a response. How and when the person responds either continues the friendship and brings connection or severs it.

Today, be thankful for the friends you have but also do not let your thoughts stay on thankfulness alone but on building and nurturing such friendships. The old ones, people whom you loved and cared for, go back and thank these people in some way, let them know how they have personally touched your life.

What about those new friendships? Work on carving out time to make new friends, friends who might be different than you, who will stretch you and help you grow. Put effort into friendships with real people, get off your computer, your cell phone, or your tablet. Go out into the world, speak to people in person, call someone on the phone and connect.

Today, remember and honor friendship. And remember, friendships takes two people, so if your efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated, pray to God that he connects you with someone who will appreciate you, appreciate your uniqueness, how God created you as an individual, and find someone worthy of a true and intimate friendship with you.

You deserve it. You are worth it.

~ Doubledb