My Soul Laid Bare?

What if I told you the truth? What if I typed all of my truest feelings and deepest thoughts? What if I really let you in, behind the surface veil of my life? Would it make us connect deeper or would you run further away?

What if what I typed wasn’t all roses? What if what I posted wasn’t all about smiles and past-times, but about hardship and suffering? What if that suffering produced growth and was an integral part of my story? Would you still read? Would you still listen?

What if I posted about online dating? What if I wrote long entries here about my elation of a coffee date and my deflation when a second date was woefully declined?

Would you read with me?
Would you walk with me?

Would you grief with me?
Would you rejoice with me?

Would you walk alongside me in this journey as I try my best to walk alongside you in yours, as express the joys and struggles of marriage, of trying to have children, or of raising your children?

Would you care about my thoughts regarding loneliness since I moved so far from my home state? Would you listen to me express how I love my position but miss everyone and everything I ever knew?

Would you listen to me build up my life from a new foundation? Would you hear how I call and depend on people I don’t know, to lay my pride down and ask when I need help?

Would you read about how my life often feels repetitive?
When you live alone, life seems the same, week by week, day by day.

Silence fills up your space.

Even when you are busy, you can feel your alone-ness weighing on you, reminding you that you are not connecting to anyone or anything, sometimes no matter how hard you try.

You are grasping at air.

Would you listen if I told you that despite all of these things, this time has been my biggest growth and achievement personally and spiritually? Would you like to hear how God has been changing my heart and mind since the day I moved here, that being alone has made me depend on God on a far deeper level? Would you like to hear about the new riches of that relationship, discovery though hardship?

Would you care to read?
Would it pierce you?

If I bared my soul to you,
Would it matter?

Would it merely be another blog entry?
Would it merely be a form of entertainment for your eyes?
Would it merely be a form of isolation or bring connectedness?

Only time will tell…
When I bare my soul.

However, for now,
My musings are my own.

~ Doubledb

Reading Female Authors: A List

 










When I was in graduate school, it occurred to me one day that all the authors I read were male, I couldn't even think of any female authors I had read or planned to read, so I decided to challenge myself to seek out and read more female authors. Here are some female authors I have read.

The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Dystopian Future; Fiction/Non-Fiction

The Handmaid's Tale is a book based on the premise that in a dystopian future, conservatism has taken over and woman are used as servants. For those who are elite and whose wife do not produce offspring, they are given handmaids with whom stay at their home and have relations with the end cause being procreation. Additionally, in this book, this dystopian future is recent enough that there are still people who remember a time before the sanctions on women, when they were equal, still having the right to vote, speak freely, read, write, and think.

The Hunger Games (Book 1) by Suzanne Collins
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Dystopian Future; Fiction/Non-Fiction

While the Handmaids Tale focused on women, in this society war has brought out the have from the have-nots, the rich from the poor. Basically, everyone who is not part of the Capital is in want and need while those in the Capital live in excess, throwing away food while others starve. The Hunger Games are a means of control, both providing entertainment, fear, and food/money to the victor. These games show the power of the government while allowing them to act as if the end justify the means, that by having a victor to whom to give gifts, the spilling of children's blood is acceptable and needed. For deeper meaning in this story one must read the books subtext, as the author is not merely telling a story but making a social commentary regarding government, free speech, entertainment, and reality television.

Getting Naked Later: A Book for the Fully Clothed by Kate Hurley
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Christianity; Singles
Blog: The Sexy Celibate ; Facebook

In this book, Kate Hurley takes us through her journey, thus far, of being single. Being a single Christian has not been easy for her, with her longings and desire for a husband and family. In the book she comments on issues in the church regarding singles, namely their desire to easily answer the complex questions and experiences singles bring, not just about themselves but about God's will. She writes about how many answer her desires with quick fixes, such as "Let it go and the right man will come" or "Pray and God will give you the desires of your heart". In truth, this dichotomy in the church between singles and marrieds is almost a class system. Most notably, for me in this book, was the scene where Kate describes being at a wedding, desiring to dance but being asked by no one. I appreciate the authors vulnerability and honesty in this book. I would recommend it to those who are single and those who are married who want to break down the walls between themselves and their single friends.

Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings her Home by Jonalyn Grace Fincher
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Women; Females; Sexuality; Femininity; Christianity; The Church
Blog: Soulation: Jonalyn's Blog

I started reading this author on her blog (see above) and found her thoughts very interesting. I bought her book because I wanted to hear about females from a female author. Her book begs the question: What does it mean to be female? What does it mean to be female in the church? Most notably in her books is the fact that she states that while writing her book, diving into the scriptures and in conversations with other Christians, her views were transformed. Where she originally was going to write a book more along the lines of femininity and God's call to be complimentary rather than equal in the church, her mind was changed. She writes about the female soul, how it is part of the image of God, just as much as the male soul. Females are tuned into the emotional side of things, with the ability to use words either to uplift or tear down. Most notably to me was her honesty in admitting there have been times when she was tempted to use her emotional discernment to manipulate men instead of encourage them. Still, she writes about her struggle in the church trying to speak out and think critically as a female while being in a mans domain.

Guilty As Sin by Tami Hoag
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Thriller; Mystery

I am going to be honest. I got this book at a gift-shop for .50 cents. I was intrigued by the premise and it looked like something similar to a novel by John Grisham or Tom Clancy, so I gave it a try. In this book the main character is a female caught in the midst of a murder trial. The murder started as a kidnapping and moves on as the wheels move in the investigation, in the courts, and in the female leads life-long obsession with her job and her inner desire to find love and happiness in a world she is unsure of life and finds it unpleasant after so many years of working on such cases. Worth a read!

When We Were in Fire by Addie Zierman
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Memoir, Christianity; Conservatism; Evangelicalism
Blog: Addie Zierman: How to Talk Evangelical ; Facebook

First of all, this author is very open about her life. Basically, she grew up as a conservative evangelical, many times trying to please her boyfriend, instead of finding out who she was herself. This book describes, in length, her time with her first boyfriend, and then later as time went on how she began to find herself. This book is a messy, but I feel sometimes life is messy and reading something like this puts a mirror up to the reader to question the status quo (especially among the religious) and also to figure out what life and faith mean for them. I would definitely recommend this book, especially to those who grew up conservative or to those who want to better understand the life and thoughts of one who grew up in that situation for years, struggling later to break free from that past and find her own journey.

Celibate Sex by Abbie Smith
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Single, Sexuality, Celibacy, Faith
Website: Unsteady Saint ; Facebook

Honestly, it took me a while to get into this book. However, after a chapter or two I began to really enjoy this book. Abbie writes about the dichotomy between the single and those who are married in the church. She asks how come the church seems to value those who are married over those who are single, when Jesus himself was single. Certainly there are verses that speak of the riches of marriage; yet we also have scriptures that speak of the great opportunity afforded to those who are single or choose to be single. In effect, the single person can devote more time to God and the kingdom when they are not consumed with pleasing their spouse and keeping up with children. Abbie writes very well to express how both married and single persons can both be equally serving God, only by different means and avenues. Neither should be praised nor looked down upon.

More Female Authors on my To-Read List:
Oryx and Crake (MaddAddam Trilogy #1) by Margaret Atwood
Evolving in Monkey Town: by Rachel Held Evans
Christianity After Religion: by Diana Butler Bass
Jesus Feminist: An Invitation to Revisit the Bible’s View of Women by Sarah Bessey
Holy Ghost Girl: A Memoir by Donna Johnson
Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint by Nadia Bolz-Weber
On Death and Dying ; Life Lessons ; The Wheel of Life by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
The Great Emergence by Phyllis A. Tickle
Daring Greatly: by Brené Brown
Beauty Restored by Me Ra Koh
My Sisters Keeper by Jodi Picoult
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Fired Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flag
Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar
The Giver by  Lois Lowry
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

Have you read any of these books?
If so, what did you think?

Do you have any female authors you would recommend?

~ Doubledb

Two Coffee Dates: Part Two

We both shared stories and asked questions. She told me how she grew up in a home where her mother wouldn’t watch any movie that was R-rated. Of course, we agreed that there are some really good movies that are R-rated. I listed off Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, and then she brought up Fight Club. It is kind of funny because in some weird way I think my heart kind of jumped. The movie is so good because it has so much depth. So, we both talked about our love for the movie and I told her how bad I wanted to read the book.

Our conversation went on from there, talking about family a bit and college life. I told her a bit about some pranks I tried to pull in college until I figured out that while I had a limit, my roommates did not, so I decided pretty early on to accept their pranks but not retaliate lest I be thrown into a never-ending and escalating battle.

What I didn’t tell her was that I did secretly try to think of ways to get them without them knowing: I considered itching powder on their bathroom towels or putting ex-lax in their water or milk (we didn’t share our beverages).

It's SONIC fast!

Honestly I was having such a good time but after an hour I was waiting for the lull in the conversation, much like the lull that happens when you are chatting with someone online or on the phone. I find it is better to try to end the conversation at this point that to carry it on any further, especially when you are just getting to know someone.

So, we decided to part ways and I walked with her outside. As we were walking in separate directions, I let her know that I would be interested in seeing her again. She seemed genuinely happy and told me she would like that. Now, I know realistically that she may have been nice because I put her on the spot; however, I am going to send her a message tonight anyway.

Even if she declines a date, I would totally be fine being friends with her. It has been so hard to meet anyone up here and sometimes this whole online dating thing leaves me with an odd taste, like if we don’t fit, even if they are cool, we just toss that person out of our life.

Maybe it is the introverted part of me, because I only develop a few close friends, so it hurts when they leave and I also hate the idea of investing so much energy into someone only to have it become nothingness. Still, any relationship takes two people, so we will see where things go.

I sometimes think about how arduous this process is, messaging females, barely getting responses for so long, getting rejected, yet trying to remain hopeful. However, I do think rejection from someone you barely know is really a lot less intense than one who is already a friend.

In addition, it is odd that as I have met more females in the last six months than in the last few years. I feel like I am coming to a point in my life where I have to become comfortable being single. For so long I desired someone. It is ironic that now I am putting myself out there. I kind of feel like I am happy with this personal growth but meeting up and going on dates, while progress, do not mean relationships, marriage, or children.

I feel like life and/or God is showing me that I have to be ok with myself where I am at now, that if I cannot be content with who I am, I am never going to be truly happy with someone else. And if I never end up meeting someone, if my focus is purely on finding that person, I will end up sad and depressed and alone.

Therefore, I have been more intentional lately about my faith, my conversations with God, and looking for ways to be more involved at church. I feel like God is doing something in me, helping to make me a better man; yet it isn’t as if I am already changed but like I in a longer and drawn-out process that is happening over time, as small changes are happening. I hope to continue this progress.

~ Doubledb

Edit: Female Number Two never did reply to my request for a second date... but this is the way of things I suppose. Still, I press on...

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Two Coffee Dates: Part One

Anyone reading this, who knows me, is aware I don’t actually drink coffee, so it was really two hot chocolate dates; however, that title didn’t seem catchy enough.

This week, seemingly with a throw of the proverbial dice, I was able to meet with two females. I will call them female one and two. Female One lived outside of town, so I drove to meet her at a Tim Horton’s in a small town. As I waited I started to get the feeling the rough truckers and day laborers were looking at me with my polo shirt and dress pants, wondering what I was doing in their town. I certainly felt out of place.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her to arrive, even though it was only a few minutes. Ladies have a real skill at coming in three to ten minutes past the meet up time. There has to be some book that tells them exactly how to do these things, small things, that make us wait and can drive men a little mad, just ever so slightly.

She came in, we shook hands, and said hello. Before we even made it to the register she pulled out her wallet and took out her card. Apparently, I didn’t have to question one bit if she expected me to pay or if she wanted to split. She is a Resident Director for a woman’s dorm with a background working in youth camps; however, over time all the traveling got to be a burden and she wanted something more stable. Like so many others, she had a difficult time finding a job, so, like myself, she found herself moving out of state and a little far from family.

She was nice, at one point trying to correct herself, even though I told her she had no need to apologize, that it was fine. Why do females apologize so much? I actually find is amazing and sad. What, in our culture, makes females feel sorry for the silliest things that they have no need to apologize for? Is it that females are nicer than guys or are they conditioned to be submissive, so saying sorry a lot comes with that conditioning?

We had a good time chatting and later the next day I messaged her to see if she wanted to go on an official date. I was going to offer to pay but wanted to see if she was interested first. A day later she replied that she did not desire a date but wouldn’t mind being friends.

Now, I always want to take people at their word, and since I am a stranger to her, I don’t know why she would feel the need to say this to "ease my pain" so I told her I would enjoy being friends actually (which was true). However, I did put the ball in her court to message me sometime to chat or maybe get together. See, in the past (See my Dating Series) I would always keep trying to contact females who said they wanted to be friends but obviously they did not, so now I've changed my method. Now I think it is perfectly reasonable that the one who did the rejecting should be the one to extend the hand of friendship, not the one who was rejected.

Then today, yes, just a few hours ago I met Female number two. I know, I should really come up with fake names, right? Anyway, from the moment I met her she smiled and well, she was FUN. Female number one was nice but was almost so intellectual it was like she couldn’t really laugh or enjoy herself, it made her pretty intense, like there was a wall between us in our conversation.

This was different…

Different you say, How so?

~ Doubledb

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Moments That Define Us

I was speaking with a few of my coworkers over a meal a few weeks back about moments that define us. We were talking politics briefly and one of them said Bill Clinton was a great president. Now, overall, I do think he was a good president; however, I said he wasn’t great (nor will he be considered great) because of the sex scandal. Then he remarked that a person shouldn’t be defined by one mistake. I told him while that is true, the reality is that we are defined by what we do, not always who we are as a whole person. That instance with Clinton did not make him a horrible person but it did lessen his greatness and ability as president, using such power for his own purpose, lying, and the ways in which it affected his family most of all. He lost respect, and therefore, lost greatness.

I then asked if a preacher had an adulterous relationship, should he be forgiven or should he be fired. I mean, it was only one mistake, right? Does it make him a bad person? My friend answered that there is a difference and when I asked what was the difference he fell silent. The truth is simple, we are defined by what we do, by the things that happen to us, sometimes we have control over them and sometimes we do not.

Some of these instances, like the one with Bill Clinton, involve sin, or ways we hurt or cause harm to ourselves and others, usually for selfish reasons. I wouldn’t say any one sin, or a few instances of wrong, make someone a bad person, but over time the accumulation of sin, along with the desire of their heart, defines who they are as a person overall.

However, one has to realize there are always consequences, good and bad, to choices in life. Clinton had to be put on trial, just like a preacher caught in adultery would need to be fired. This isn’t to suggest there isn’t forgiveness or healing, but that those things come after the punishment. Besides, anyone who knows psychology is aware that most people do good or bad things based on reward and punishment, not simply from a desire to do good for themselves or for the good of the community.

Then there are the instances where we must go through things that define us. Maybe we feel we have the tendency toward gluttony, lust, anger, gossip, lying, or a whole host of other things. I am not even talking about the sin and action but the temptation to do these things, some sin that we find ourselves addicted to and trying to get over. I think we can define ourselves by the things we fight against instead of the things we fight for in our life.

Then there are the psychological disorders, one like anorexia, anxiety, bulimia, binge-eating, PTSD, depression, mania, and bi-polar disorder. One could group these, along with other addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, sex, or porn, but my point is that there is something in these people that clicks one day, either genetics and/or from their environment, and likely for the rest of their life they will struggle with this disease. Yet, if one has depression, do they define themselves by their struggle or by their victory? Are we the pieces of our life or the whole?

I guess that I am getting at is there are always those negative aspects of self that we deal with as individuals. I feel like oftentimes we identify ourselves by our failures and struggles than by our victories and all the other wonderful things about us. I wonder why we do this to ourselves.

Maybe you find yourself judging friends, maybe they are constantly seeking approval from the wrong people or you feel are on the wrong track. Instead of gossiping, maybe it is time to offer a helping hand or encourage them in the positive areas in their life.

Maybe you are your worst critic, always letting things slide or maybe you want things to be perfect but find life can be a mess. Perhaps you need to have some grace on yourself. Maybe you need to stop focusing on the negative aspects of your life and instead, improve and expand on the great things about yourself.

While we may have a tendency to feel the harsh moments define us, the beautiful ones define us as well. I think over time, if we would infuse our life with more good, positive, and beautiful things, we might just find those moments define us much more than our struggles and hardships. Perhaps, it is once we have gone through those tough times we can see the positive aspects of our life and self even more clearly.

Related Post: Defined by Christ, Not Sin

What moments in your life define you?
Are they hardships? Victories? Both?

~ Doubledb

Reasons Being Single (and Living Alone) Is Not Cool

(01) You (Still) Have To Think About Dating.

What are the rules again? Expectations?

Someone slay me now. I don't like this game.

You still read articles or books on dating,

Your friends are reading about marriage enrichment and raising children.

Looks Like He Really Has To Go!

(02) You Don't Have Anyone With Whom To Share Your Life.

You post photos and statuses online and try to feel connected.

You still write blogs, even though it isn’t cool anymore.

You call people to talk but they just seem disinterested in your life.

(03) You Wake Up In Silence.

No, "See you later."

No, "Hey, how you doin?" (in a Joey, from Friends, voice).

No, "Oh your car won't start. Let me take you to work honey."

No, "Oh, you feel sick, let me take care of you today."

(04) You Come Home To Silence.

No, "So, How was your day?"

No, "Let's watch a movie."

No, "Let's go to learn to swing dance."

No, "Lets steal the space shuttle tonight and be the first to get to mars."

This is Houston: Please Return our Shuttle.

(05) No One Sees The Kind Things You Do (And You Don't Want To Brag).

Did you see me let that guy go before me, even though I had the right-of-way?

Did you see me hold the door open for that mom and her child?

Did you see me light that bearded mans cigarette?

Thanks Man. You Rock.

(06) You Get Bored On Weekends And Consider Getting A Second Job.

Extra Money is good, right?

I might need it for future dates.. or student loans!

I might meet someone at another job.

Or I might be too busy and tired to date with a second job.

(07) You Better Yourself But Feel You Are Not Increasing Your Odds.

If I am witty, then they will notice me.

If I am skinnier, then my fat won't matter so much.

If I keep eating meat, vegetarians will not ask me out. There is one win!

Those Veggies Never Saw it Coming!

(08) You Lose Friends Who Get Married.

I got an invite to the wedding. Sweet!

I go and give presents.

Then I stop hearing from them... Priceless.

(09) You See Family And Friends Having Children.

You start feeling your life is one, no - two, no - lots of steps behind everyone.

Life isn’t a competition.

But Rays kid just took his first poo on the toilet (and he just posted a pic).

(10) You Actually Consider Adopting.

You feel you have love to give, but not outlet.

But then having a child seems like a lot of work for open person.

And really expensive.

(11) You Have No Outlet For Your Cheesy Romantic Side.

Roses are Red, My Life seems Blue,

If you go out with me,

Then I will be going out with you too!

See, I'm a natural!

(12) You Feel Like Dates Are Interviews And Wish They Were Fun.

What is your name?

Where did you go to school?

Where were you on April 21, 2029?

Did you really steal a space shuttle with your ex-husband? Cause that’s crazy!

(13) What's Easy For Others Seems Increasingly Difficult For You.

Oh, so you met when you were in High-school... College... Grad school.

Oh, we met after I dated lots of girls and she dated lots of guys.

We met after years of rejection and sad stories.

We met after I accepted that Tina Turner was not my soul mate.

And Burt Reynolds wasn’t actually her ideal match.

(14) You Have Tried, Or Are In The Process Of, Dating Online.

I should do online dating.

I shouldn’t do online dating.

My friends suggested I try.

My friends met through online dating.

My friends just got married after dating online.

Maybe I should try online dating.

I should try online dating.

Ok, answering the first question: Now, who the crap am I?

(15) You Get How Single’s Throw Themselves Into Their Careers.

Young You: Go for the Girl.

Forget your career. Love wins.

Older You: Go for the career.

She will reject you. Money is useful.

Older Older You: Go for the career and date long distance.

You've now got Skype and Facetime! It could work, right?

What do you think?

What things do you dislike about being single?

Do you live alone or with friends/family?

Are you a single parent?

What additions do you have?

~ Doubledb

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Looking Back at 2013

 

I do not really make resolutions every year, at least as a habit. I find that life can change a lot, so goals need to be flexible; yet, we must have some purpose or focus lest our life become meaningless and monotonous, day by day with no reason or clarity.

2013 has been a great and insane year for me. I went from being a second year chaplain resident to being a staff chaplain. I went from being two hundred and ninety-five pounds to two hundred and twenty-five this past October (making my total weight loss since Feb. 2012 one-hundred pounds). I moved from Lubbock, TX to Buffalo, NY. I went from having a good support system and then having to start all over again.

I came to Buffalo with my car packed as full as I could get, leaving beds and chairs behind. I mailed my books, made sure to keep my computer, DVD's, and my guitar. I sold all my furniture. I drove over 1,500 miles by myself over the course of an entire week, driving through horrible rainy weather, and staying in hotels all by myself (Thank goodness for my GPS and Kindle Fire!).

I am not saying these things to induce any form of pity; instead I say them to express my strength. A strength I did not know that I ever had before this time. I never imagined I would move so far, that I would accomplish so much, and that I would do it all on my own. Certainly, I had friends help me, but once I left Texas I was all by myself, except for updating everyone through Facebook and blog posts.

As I have been here I have gone back and forth between feeling accomplished, while at the same time having feelings of aloneness, seeking community. Yes, I have my hard days when the distance between my family and friends in Texas and this place does weigh on me.

I did accomplish losing one-hundred pounds. While I am still so excited, the last two months since I met that goal have been grueling. Sometimes I just crave food, while other times because of the wintery weather, I cannot workout. Still, I have stayed strong and haven’t gained back. If I can just resist pizza more often and stick to eating more veggies and fruits, I know I can get to my next goal of weighing two hundred pounds.

Losing that weight though, made me reexamine my life, forced me to look at things that I thought were impossible in my life and begin to start taking steps forward. One of the areas I have been neglecting for years was having a daily time of reading the scriptures. I am happy to say that in November I started and have not missed one day since.

To some that might not seem like a victory; however, considering I haven’t had consistent times reading the scriptures like this since I was in middle school, I'd say that is an improvement! I find I am more focused and beginning to be more purposeful, seeking ways I can be involved in my growth, instead of just letting life pass me by day by day.

I am also currently working on my paperwork for Board Certification as a Chaplain. This is amazing, since in 2011 I was seeking if this is what I wanted to do with my life. Here I am now, working on being certified and loving what I do everyday; visiting patients, family, and staff.

My only ongoing request as I am here, and into 2014, is that God provide me with good friends here in this place. Friends who love life, have a sense of humor, and don’t mind speaking about the serious aspects of life. Friendship is so important and those who have lived in one place, who have had great friends all their life, cannot really understand what it feels like to move so far from everyone and everything you have ever known.

I also found a church after months of searching. It is hard to express in words; yet I do find that when I go to church, I truly do feel in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Truly the church is one spirit, the spirit of love, community, and faith founded and focused on Christ Jesus. Church, in every place I have moved to in my life, has helped me find solace during confusing and trying times.

I ask prayer for relationships to happen, deepen, and grow.

So, here is to 2014.

It is coming... are you ready?

Are you ready for something new and different?

Are you ready to cut out the past, the hurt, the old feelings or pain and start anew?

How did you life change in 2013?

What will you be changing or looking forward to in 2014?

~ Doubledb

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