Two Coffee Dates: Part One

Anyone reading this, who knows me, is aware I don’t actually drink coffee, so it was really two hot chocolate dates; however, that title didn’t seem catchy enough.

This week, seemingly with a throw of the proverbial dice, I was able to meet with two females. I will call them female one and two. Female One lived outside of town, so I drove to meet her at a Tim Horton’s in a small town. As I waited I started to get the feeling the rough truckers and day laborers were looking at me with my polo shirt and dress pants, wondering what I was doing in their town. I certainly felt out of place.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her to arrive, even though it was only a few minutes. Ladies have a real skill at coming in three to ten minutes past the meet up time. There has to be some book that tells them exactly how to do these things, small things, that make us wait and can drive men a little mad, just ever so slightly.

She came in, we shook hands, and said hello. Before we even made it to the register she pulled out her wallet and took out her card. Apparently, I didn’t have to question one bit if she expected me to pay or if she wanted to split. She is a Resident Director for a woman’s dorm with a background working in youth camps; however, over time all the traveling got to be a burden and she wanted something more stable. Like so many others, she had a difficult time finding a job, so, like myself, she found herself moving out of state and a little far from family.

She was nice, at one point trying to correct herself, even though I told her she had no need to apologize, that it was fine. Why do females apologize so much? I actually find is amazing and sad. What, in our culture, makes females feel sorry for the silliest things that they have no need to apologize for? Is it that females are nicer than guys or are they conditioned to be submissive, so saying sorry a lot comes with that conditioning?

We had a good time chatting and later the next day I messaged her to see if she wanted to go on an official date. I was going to offer to pay but wanted to see if she was interested first. A day later she replied that she did not desire a date but wouldn’t mind being friends.

Now, I always want to take people at their word, and since I am a stranger to her, I don’t know why she would feel the need to say this to "ease my pain" so I told her I would enjoy being friends actually (which was true). However, I did put the ball in her court to message me sometime to chat or maybe get together. See, in the past (See my Dating Series) I would always keep trying to contact females who said they wanted to be friends but obviously they did not, so now I've changed my method. Now I think it is perfectly reasonable that the one who did the rejecting should be the one to extend the hand of friendship, not the one who was rejected.

Then today, yes, just a few hours ago I met Female number two. I know, I should really come up with fake names, right? Anyway, from the moment I met her she smiled and well, she was FUN. Female number one was nice but was almost so intellectual it was like she couldn’t really laugh or enjoy herself, it made her pretty intense, like there was a wall between us in our conversation.

This was different…

Different you say, How so?

~ Doubledb

Image: 1 2

Moments That Define Us

I was speaking with a few of my coworkers over a meal a few weeks back about moments that define us. We were talking politics briefly and one of them said Bill Clinton was a great president. Now, overall, I do think he was a good president; however, I said he wasn’t great (nor will he be considered great) because of the sex scandal. Then he remarked that a person shouldn’t be defined by one mistake. I told him while that is true, the reality is that we are defined by what we do, not always who we are as a whole person. That instance with Clinton did not make him a horrible person but it did lessen his greatness and ability as president, using such power for his own purpose, lying, and the ways in which it affected his family most of all. He lost respect, and therefore, lost greatness.

I then asked if a preacher had an adulterous relationship, should he be forgiven or should he be fired. I mean, it was only one mistake, right? Does it make him a bad person? My friend answered that there is a difference and when I asked what was the difference he fell silent. The truth is simple, we are defined by what we do, by the things that happen to us, sometimes we have control over them and sometimes we do not.

Some of these instances, like the one with Bill Clinton, involve sin, or ways we hurt or cause harm to ourselves and others, usually for selfish reasons. I wouldn’t say any one sin, or a few instances of wrong, make someone a bad person, but over time the accumulation of sin, along with the desire of their heart, defines who they are as a person overall.

However, one has to realize there are always consequences, good and bad, to choices in life. Clinton had to be put on trial, just like a preacher caught in adultery would need to be fired. This isn’t to suggest there isn’t forgiveness or healing, but that those things come after the punishment. Besides, anyone who knows psychology is aware that most people do good or bad things based on reward and punishment, not simply from a desire to do good for themselves or for the good of the community.

Then there are the instances where we must go through things that define us. Maybe we feel we have the tendency toward gluttony, lust, anger, gossip, lying, or a whole host of other things. I am not even talking about the sin and action but the temptation to do these things, some sin that we find ourselves addicted to and trying to get over. I think we can define ourselves by the things we fight against instead of the things we fight for in our life.

Then there are the psychological disorders, one like anorexia, anxiety, bulimia, binge-eating, PTSD, depression, mania, and bi-polar disorder. One could group these, along with other addictions, such as alcohol, drugs, sex, or porn, but my point is that there is something in these people that clicks one day, either genetics and/or from their environment, and likely for the rest of their life they will struggle with this disease. Yet, if one has depression, do they define themselves by their struggle or by their victory? Are we the pieces of our life or the whole?

I guess that I am getting at is there are always those negative aspects of self that we deal with as individuals. I feel like oftentimes we identify ourselves by our failures and struggles than by our victories and all the other wonderful things about us. I wonder why we do this to ourselves.

Maybe you find yourself judging friends, maybe they are constantly seeking approval from the wrong people or you feel are on the wrong track. Instead of gossiping, maybe it is time to offer a helping hand or encourage them in the positive areas in their life.

Maybe you are your worst critic, always letting things slide or maybe you want things to be perfect but find life can be a mess. Perhaps you need to have some grace on yourself. Maybe you need to stop focusing on the negative aspects of your life and instead, improve and expand on the great things about yourself.

While we may have a tendency to feel the harsh moments define us, the beautiful ones define us as well. I think over time, if we would infuse our life with more good, positive, and beautiful things, we might just find those moments define us much more than our struggles and hardships. Perhaps, it is once we have gone through those tough times we can see the positive aspects of our life and self even more clearly.

Related Post: Defined by Christ, Not Sin

What moments in your life define you?
Are they hardships? Victories? Both?

~ Doubledb

Reasons Being Single (and Living Alone) Is Not Cool

(01) You (Still) Have To Think About Dating.

What are the rules again? Expectations?

Someone slay me now. I don't like this game.

You still read articles or books on dating,

Your friends are reading about marriage enrichment and raising children.

Looks Like He Really Has To Go!

(02) You Don't Have Anyone With Whom To Share Your Life.

You post photos and statuses online and try to feel connected.

You still write blogs, even though it isn’t cool anymore.

You call people to talk but they just seem disinterested in your life.

(03) You Wake Up In Silence.

No, "See you later."

No, "Hey, how you doin?" (in a Joey, from Friends, voice).

No, "Oh your car won't start. Let me take you to work honey."

No, "Oh, you feel sick, let me take care of you today."

(04) You Come Home To Silence.

No, "So, How was your day?"

No, "Let's watch a movie."

No, "Let's go to learn to swing dance."

No, "Lets steal the space shuttle tonight and be the first to get to mars."

This is Houston: Please Return our Shuttle.

(05) No One Sees The Kind Things You Do (And You Don't Want To Brag).

Did you see me let that guy go before me, even though I had the right-of-way?

Did you see me hold the door open for that mom and her child?

Did you see me light that bearded mans cigarette?

Thanks Man. You Rock.

(06) You Get Bored On Weekends And Consider Getting A Second Job.

Extra Money is good, right?

I might need it for future dates.. or student loans!

I might meet someone at another job.

Or I might be too busy and tired to date with a second job.

(07) You Better Yourself But Feel You Are Not Increasing Your Odds.

If I am witty, then they will notice me.

If I am skinnier, then my fat won't matter so much.

If I keep eating meat, vegetarians will not ask me out. There is one win!

Those Veggies Never Saw it Coming!

(08) You Lose Friends Who Get Married.

I got an invite to the wedding. Sweet!

I go and give presents.

Then I stop hearing from them... Priceless.

(09) You See Family And Friends Having Children.

You start feeling your life is one, no - two, no - lots of steps behind everyone.

Life isn’t a competition.

But Rays kid just took his first poo on the toilet (and he just posted a pic).

(10) You Actually Consider Adopting.

You feel you have love to give, but not outlet.

But then having a child seems like a lot of work for open person.

And really expensive.

(11) You Have No Outlet For Your Cheesy Romantic Side.

Roses are Red, My Life seems Blue,

If you go out with me,

Then I will be going out with you too!

See, I'm a natural!

(12) You Feel Like Dates Are Interviews And Wish They Were Fun.

What is your name?

Where did you go to school?

Where were you on April 21, 2029?

Did you really steal a space shuttle with your ex-husband? Cause that’s crazy!

(13) What's Easy For Others Seems Increasingly Difficult For You.

Oh, so you met when you were in High-school... College... Grad school.

Oh, we met after I dated lots of girls and she dated lots of guys.

We met after years of rejection and sad stories.

We met after I accepted that Tina Turner was not my soul mate.

And Burt Reynolds wasn’t actually her ideal match.

(14) You Have Tried, Or Are In The Process Of, Dating Online.

I should do online dating.

I shouldn’t do online dating.

My friends suggested I try.

My friends met through online dating.

My friends just got married after dating online.

Maybe I should try online dating.

I should try online dating.

Ok, answering the first question: Now, who the crap am I?

(15) You Get How Single’s Throw Themselves Into Their Careers.

Young You: Go for the Girl.

Forget your career. Love wins.

Older You: Go for the career.

She will reject you. Money is useful.

Older Older You: Go for the career and date long distance.

You've now got Skype and Facetime! It could work, right?

What do you think?

What things do you dislike about being single?

Do you live alone or with friends/family?

Are you a single parent?

What additions do you have?

~ Doubledb

Image: 1 2 3 4

Looking Back at 2013

 

I do not really make resolutions every year, at least as a habit. I find that life can change a lot, so goals need to be flexible; yet, we must have some purpose or focus lest our life become meaningless and monotonous, day by day with no reason or clarity.

2013 has been a great and insane year for me. I went from being a second year chaplain resident to being a staff chaplain. I went from being two hundred and ninety-five pounds to two hundred and twenty-five this past October (making my total weight loss since Feb. 2012 one-hundred pounds). I moved from Lubbock, TX to Buffalo, NY. I went from having a good support system and then having to start all over again.

I came to Buffalo with my car packed as full as I could get, leaving beds and chairs behind. I mailed my books, made sure to keep my computer, DVD's, and my guitar. I sold all my furniture. I drove over 1,500 miles by myself over the course of an entire week, driving through horrible rainy weather, and staying in hotels all by myself (Thank goodness for my GPS and Kindle Fire!).

I am not saying these things to induce any form of pity; instead I say them to express my strength. A strength I did not know that I ever had before this time. I never imagined I would move so far, that I would accomplish so much, and that I would do it all on my own. Certainly, I had friends help me, but once I left Texas I was all by myself, except for updating everyone through Facebook and blog posts.

As I have been here I have gone back and forth between feeling accomplished, while at the same time having feelings of aloneness, seeking community. Yes, I have my hard days when the distance between my family and friends in Texas and this place does weigh on me.

I did accomplish losing one-hundred pounds. While I am still so excited, the last two months since I met that goal have been grueling. Sometimes I just crave food, while other times because of the wintery weather, I cannot workout. Still, I have stayed strong and haven’t gained back. If I can just resist pizza more often and stick to eating more veggies and fruits, I know I can get to my next goal of weighing two hundred pounds.

Losing that weight though, made me reexamine my life, forced me to look at things that I thought were impossible in my life and begin to start taking steps forward. One of the areas I have been neglecting for years was having a daily time of reading the scriptures. I am happy to say that in November I started and have not missed one day since.

To some that might not seem like a victory; however, considering I haven’t had consistent times reading the scriptures like this since I was in middle school, I'd say that is an improvement! I find I am more focused and beginning to be more purposeful, seeking ways I can be involved in my growth, instead of just letting life pass me by day by day.

I am also currently working on my paperwork for Board Certification as a Chaplain. This is amazing, since in 2011 I was seeking if this is what I wanted to do with my life. Here I am now, working on being certified and loving what I do everyday; visiting patients, family, and staff.

My only ongoing request as I am here, and into 2014, is that God provide me with good friends here in this place. Friends who love life, have a sense of humor, and don’t mind speaking about the serious aspects of life. Friendship is so important and those who have lived in one place, who have had great friends all their life, cannot really understand what it feels like to move so far from everyone and everything you have ever known.

I also found a church after months of searching. It is hard to express in words; yet I do find that when I go to church, I truly do feel in community with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Truly the church is one spirit, the spirit of love, community, and faith founded and focused on Christ Jesus. Church, in every place I have moved to in my life, has helped me find solace during confusing and trying times.

I ask prayer for relationships to happen, deepen, and grow.

So, here is to 2014.

It is coming... are you ready?

Are you ready for something new and different?

Are you ready to cut out the past, the hurt, the old feelings or pain and start anew?

How did you life change in 2013?

What will you be changing or looking forward to in 2014?

~ Doubledb

Image Source: 1

Can Single Men Be Vulnerable?

Part of me wanted to argue that all men in our culture are in a terrible catch -22, in which they are encouraged to share their feelings, to be sensitive; however, men are also expected to be tough and not cry. While I do think this is a valid point to make, I find myself considering the fact that many of these men do have the opportunity to be truly themselves with their significant other.

Where does that leave the single male?
Honestly, where does that leave me?

I find myself at a very perplexing place in my life. There are a few male friends I can confide in, whom I can be truly myself, with all my humor and seriousness, emotions and intellect; however, the vast majority of male relationships do not work this way.

Most male relationships may speak about things on the surface but do not go deep, they are more fixated on doing things, getting together for activities than sharing life, especially when it comes to expressing emotions.

I want to express my emotions.
I want to be open to someone who won’t shut me out.

So, then I should turn to female friends maybe, right? Females don’t mind sharing emotions. The only problem is that most single female friends have this giant wall up in front of them; so that when you start to open up emotionally they back off. I have seen it time and time before, whether I might be interested in a relationship or not, I feel I get close enough to a single female friend, open up, and then face the empty air between us.

There is a lot of empty space there.
Empty space filled with the void of words and emotions.
Words and emotions that are left unheard
Left unresponded to... Out there... In the void.

I suppose that leaves married female friends. But honestly, isn’t that just awkward? You can only communicate and open up so much. I don’t want to seem like I am coming onto them or trying to put a rift in their marriage. I have a few female friends who are married, but they stay pretty surface level. I always get the feeling they are less interested in my life than I am interested in their life anyway.

So where does that leave me?
Where can I express myself?

I suppose that leaves me here, writing words.

It leaves me trying online dating. It leaves me sending Facebook friend requests to new people, hoping they will respond and maybe we can connect. It leaves me trying to get male friends to open up. It leaves me trying to share with female friends hoping they won’t shut me out.

But I always have my words, blogs, pages I type and write by hand, as the thoughts and feelings flow. I suppose that is the place of my solace. In some ways seeing my blogs online, published, makes them not seem to leave me and feel they are stuck in the void. I hope in some way others will read, think, perhaps respond, and that mutual conversation will occur, not in fear or awkwardness but in understanding and connecting to one another.

So, here I am a single male, looking for ways to express all the parts and sides of myself, not all are sensitive but some parts are that way. I consider myself lacking boldness and yet I find myself pressing forward despite my reluctance. So, I will continue writing, trying to connect with others, even as messages may be left unanswered, phone calls or voicemails unreturned, and blogs left with zero comments. I have to believe I am helping someone, connecting with someone, even if it is only with myself.

~ Doubledb

Plank Eye Syndrome

There is a serious syndrome in our churches, among the people who claim to be followers of Jesus the Christ. This syndrome leads to judgment, bitterness, hatred, malice, gossip, smugness, and all other manner of ill feelings towards others inside, and outside, of the church. How did so many of us get here?

I think somewhere among the verses speaking of being above reproach (1 Tim. 1:3:2) and trying to be perfect as Christ is perfect (MT 5:48), that we as Christians have forgotten that perfection is actually not possible. Why? Because even in the midst of the spirit of God inside of us, we are still very much persons of flesh, having a sinful nature still with us at this present time.

Have we so very soon forgotten that we too were once without Christ, each one of us, at some point was left to our own devices, our own sinful nature. We made a choice to follow Christ; however, the choice to follow does not mean we will not falter, that we will make incorrect decisions, assumptions, and judgments on others (and regarding ourselves).

There is a great divide between those who want to be conservative and hold firm to traditions and beliefs, while others cry out for freedom and liberation from all the rules, institutions, and chains they feel are causing them heavy burdens. As Christians, we forget that we no longer have to be bound by the things of this world, that we are now part of a different Kingdom where the lines are not drawn so plainly, except for the arrows pointing us in the direction of Christ, to seek his life, teaching, and pursue him first and foremost, beyond political parties and beyond judgments.

We forget that even Jesus let people walk away from him, like the rich young ruler (MT 19:16-22) or nine of ten men with leprosy (LK 17:11-19). Not to mention, that even the scripture of the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11), we see Jesus tell her to sin no more, and then we are left with no resolve. What happened to her? Did she change? Did she stay the same? I think we are left with questions because Christ is asking us:

Have you changed?

Have you stayed the same?

What difference have I made or am I making in your life?

Notice Jesus is asking us these questions. Asking you the question. Jesus is not telling us that we need to monitor everyone else, to make sure they are above reproach, staying pure, out of sin, and in line with everything we think, say, or do. No, instead Christ holds us accountable to him, to our own understanding and convictions.

With this understanding, we come to see that Jesus never once made anyone follow him. Jesus never once belittled someone for choosing something else, though perhaps he did feel sadness when they turned away. He respected their view, their choice to chose, figure out things out on their journey, and in their own time.

In addition, it was not the sinners or sick who Jesus had stern words for but the religious, those who seemed to find pride in obsessing with rules and oppressing others with religion and institution while forgetting the heart for God, pursuing God, and loving their neighbor as themselves (MT 22:34-40). And so in Matthew 7, we read this story:

 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. - Matthew 7:1-5

Today, are you seeing your life clearly?

Do you find yourself judging others while neglecting your own issues and faults?

What are some things you might need to work on?

Where is God convicting you today?

~ Doubledb

Thoughts After The Second Date

I have no idea what I am doing, feeling, or how to process what is going on. All of my past dating experiences were friends who I liked, asked out, talked to, maybe had a date, and then always ended with her saying we should be friends.

I don’t know how to process this now... online dating? Getting to know someone from scratch while dating is so awkward. I mean, making a friend is awkward, those first few times until something clicks; however, now I am doing that with dating, trying to relate to someone and I have no background of how to relate, everything is new.

Maybe this is my introverted side showing. I relate to my close friends based off of shared interest and experiences, only me and this person don’t have any background. I guess it is supposed to be exciting finding out all the new things, but I suppose I never like the beginning, but I like to dive right in... Though I know there has to be a beginning, I don’t find it to be my favorite part, more like something I have to go through to get to the other side (Ex: Moving to Buffalo, Starting a New Position, Finding a New Church Home, etc.).

And besides all of that. I am not sure how I feel. I’ve tried to be logical and ask if I find her attractive and if we get along. While we get along great, I can’t tell if I find her attractive in that way. I don’t know if I have ever been confused trying to figure out if I found someone attractive before.

I really have no idea.

After our first date I knew I wanted a second one. I thought about talking to her, which we did, and then now after the second date I find myself confused.  

Do I have to have all the answers? 

Why can't I just have fun right now until I figure out how I feel? 

My logical side says to slow down, that nothing has to be decided... but another part of me knows I can’t just keep this going forever. A DTR (Defining the Relationship) will happen. What then? What if I can’t decide how I feel? How can I tell her I am not sure, that she has baffled me?

I've never had this problem before.

I am supposed to call her this week and we will plan our next date, which she has offered to pay for (so progressive). While I don’t mind taking more time to try to figure out my feelings, I also don’t want to lead her on. I feel like the longer it goes on, she could be hurt if I decide against going forward.

But then I think of what good conversation we have had,

talking for a few hours and time going by so fast.
 

Is this a relationship or just like friendship?

Do I find her attractive in that way or am I just lonely?

I don’t know.

Honestly, I have never really enjoyed dating.

This crap is work and baffles my mind.

But there is one thing I do know,

This is the first time I got a second date,

So I guess that is growth!

~ Doubledb