Meeting Leslie: Part 2 of 2

That is when I was completely confused and excited. The next two weeks I tried to plan a time and she would say she was going out of town unexpectedly or because of other previous commitments she was busy. The thing is, she’d keep saying “maybe next week” after with an exclamation mark. Then she told me she was leaving back to college the next week. I was sad we didn’t meet up, a bit confused, and this is when I felt I really wanted to come out and let her know I liked her (or saw potential there), so I wrote out this initial message:

I'm gonna lay all my cards on the table here and be honest…. it is probably good we didn't meet up one-on-one for a movie, even though I know we both want(ed) to. I'll admit, from the first time I asked you if you’d like to get together for coffee or a movie sometime, I was a bit discouraged to find out you had a boyfriend; however, you seemed (and still do seem) a special enough person that I want(ed) to pursue friendship with you.

I think it’s pretty obvious from our interactions and messages that we enjoy being around one another but I will admit I do feel there could be the potential for something more there. With our interactions and how we have danced between spending time together in a group or one-on-one make me think you might as well. Of course, you have a boyfriend and I really want to respect that fact, respect you, respect him, so hanging out one-on-one in person might not be the wisest thing to do right now.

At this point, you don’t have to let me know if you feel the same, cause either way it wouldn't really matter since you are seeing someone and we are friends. But if things should change in the future, you become single and are interested, I would like to ask you out and see if there is the potential for something more there.

That being said, I think it might be good to set some boundaries for the both of us. I'd like to still hang out in groups (your friends or mine), keep up a bit through Facebook, and maybe have a phone call every now and then. I'd be totally down with coming to meet-up with you and your friends depending on my schedule with my jobs. We can just keep one another informed on stuff and I'm sure we will be able to stay connected.

I hope our friendship can take my honesty here. I think it can even though it is relatively new, but I didn't want to wait until later and drop a bombshell on you with this out of nowhere either. I look forward to continuing to know you as a friend…  and as my sister in Christ. Hope your weekend and going back to campus next week goes well. I'll message you again in a while and we can catch up. Later!

I let it sit for days, as I pondered, prayed, and sought advice from some other godly men I know. I wanted to convey to her that I liked her, still wanted to be friends, and wanted to respect her relationship with her boyfriend. But then I was hit by the thought that if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t want her hanging out one-on-one with some other guy. That’s when I re-read the message and saw how incredibly selfish parts of it were. As I sought out the wisdom from my friends and prayer, I really felt it was best not to tell her how I felt, but to tell her I enjoyed her presence, getting to know her, and set some boundaries since she does have a boyfriend. Then I sent this message.

So.... I ended up seeing Guardians of the Galaxy with my friend and his wife. It was really good, so if you like Superhero movies, I'd go see it but I liked Spider-Man 2 and the new X-men movie better still.

I think it’s pretty obvious from our interactions we enjoy being around one another as friends which is great; however, I feel since you have a boyfriend hanging out one-on-one in person might not be the wisest thing to do right now. I just want to put that out there. I'd still like hang out in groups (your friends or mine), keep up a bit through Facebook, and maybe talk on the phone every so often. That being said, I'd be totally be down with coming to meet-up with you and your friends depending on my schedule with my jobs. I've been there twice this year and when I wasn't stuck in traffic it seemed like a nice place ;) We can just keep one another informed on stuff and I'm sure we will be able to stay connected.

I look forward to continuing to know you as a friend and sister in Christ as well. I hope your weekend at the fair and with your parents goes well... and going back to campus on Monday. Talk to ya later!

I do hope we can be friends, though I do think even in this message it might be slightly obvious I do like her, the point is to pursue our friendship but with some boundaries that respect her relationship with her boyfriend. Maybe it’s just me, but I couldn’t do it and don’t think I would like who I would become if I tried to break them up or gave her an ultimatum. So, I prayed to God and sent SEND on that message. I hope we can be friends. I’d like to get to know her more. If this is God's will for friendship only I pray God lets me know. If this is something more, I pray God would open doors and both of our eyes. I pray his guidance and blessings either way. But as always, the future remains uncertain and sometimes you find yourself along for the ride.

This is what it’s like being single…

~Doubledb

Fear No More: Forsaking Fear-Based Living

In my previous blog entry I wrote about facing our darkness, how we must move into and through the darkness. Our darkness, whatever it may be, is not something we can just ignore; it must be something we work through and by doing this we grow.

Alongside this darkness is our fear. What do we fear? What do I fear? I remember when God called me to lead and minister at a young age, I was fearful, like Moses I said I couldn’t speak, like Jeremiah I said I was too young. The truth was that I was fearful, despite having giftedness in areas of leading, ministering, writing, singing, and playing guitar.

These fears are not gone, but they have softened over the years as I have used these abilities and received encouragement and confirmation over time. Even in the midst of my fears of not being interesting enough, cool enough, extroverted enough, or funny enough, I have found God telling me over and over to just be myself.

Just like we cannot ignore our darkness, we cannot ignore our fear.

Oftentimes our darkness and our fears are related but not always.

What are you fearful of today? What are things you know you should do, need to do, but have been to scared to do? Perhaps there are friendships or a relationship you need to begin or end. Perhaps you are at a job you despise but are fearful to find something else; perhaps you might then have to start from scratch.

Maybe you find yourself always saying yes to everyone and everything because you don’t have the confidence to say no, because you fear what it might mean. Maybe you have gifts and abilities but you are too afraid to share them with others, thinking others will only confirm the negative thoughts you hide inside.

Maybe you are fearful of being vulnerable, of sharing yourself with friends, with family, thinking if they knew the real you they might run or laugh or be in shock. Maybe you have been projecting an image to everyone, hiding your true self, because you do not want to disappoint others but hope to please them to the detriment of yourself.

Aren’t you tired of being afraid? Tired or cowering when God has made you a unique and wonderful person. This week, I want to start something new on my blog. I want responses. Ideally, I’d like to share these responses in a blog.

What do you fear? What are you fears?

Have you been ignoring them or pushing forward though?

How will you confront your fear(s) this week?

Please comment below or feel fee to send me an e-mail:

Let me know how you want to be identified or if you’d prefer to be anonymous.
doubledb2000@hotmail.com

Let’s stop being Afraid,
Let’s start Living Life Abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10

~ Doubledb

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Fighting Against the Darkness

If we are honest with ourselves, we would all admit we struggle, we fight against the darkness. When we were young we didn’t understand it, comprehend it, or see it. Then, as we grew, as we got older, we began to know our darkness, we became aware of our sin, our desires, our inclinations that are not always inclined towards the good and turn towards the worse. Sometimes we do not mean to go into that darkness, but we are tempted by it, teased by it, surrounded by it.

Sometimes the darkness hovers over us like a cloud, encloses around us and sucks us dry, taking away our energy and our life. When the darkness comes some of us retreat, go into isolation, and hide ourselves from others. We don’t know how to express what we are feeling or why, don’t know how to understand or comprehend what is going on. For others of us the darkness is held at bay by distracting ourselves, by making sure we are busy with activities, schedules, and people; for if we are left alone it seems to come at us, not leaving us alone.

This darkness is real, every person, every Christian will face this darkness for as long as we stand in this world, because our struggles of the flesh, against Satan, against our desires will still cause us to struggle and stumble until the day when Christ comes and those chains are let loose. Until that time we all struggle, but the good news is this... We struggle because we are good, struggle because we care, struggle because we are growing and maturing. If we were not fighting against this darkness, we would only be giving in, giving up, letting ourselves be enslaved by the darkness. But Christ has something else for those of us who chose another path.

My dear brothers and sisters, do not ever feel like you have to deny this darkness. Understand this is a part of your life, of your journey, and the fight, the struggle is part of your story, part of what will make you grow up and mature. Every time you fight against the darkness and turn towards the light you are choosing goodness over evil, light over darkness, and Christ over the evil one.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12

You may have thoughts or addictions you cannot get over. You may have anger in your heart, tell lies, or feel the need to gossip. Perhaps you are bitter or negative, life seems dull and gray. Know that this is not the end, this is just a part of your story. Indeed, this will not be the only time you deal with darkness but each time you overcome, each time you choose the light, you become stronger and the devil loses another foothold in your life.

This past week Robin Williams died. He fell into the darkness and took his own life. People are stunned by this, hurt by this, shocked by this. The reason it hits us so hard is because he brought us laughter and enjoyment. Darkness; however, does not discriminate, the reality is there. Previously Rick Warrens son also committed suicide. This is sad, people wonder why, they wonder if they can fight against such darkness in their own lives.

What I can tell you today my dear friend is that Christ made a way for us to leave this darkness, and that while at this time we will still struggle against it, one day the struggle will end, light will be unleashed, and his Kingdom will be made real and darkness wiped clean.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” -Revelation 21:3-5a

I look forward to that day.

That is my hope.

That is why I fight.

Christ is what keeps my darkness at bay.

Close your eyes and listen to the song/video below.
Remember... there is a Light my friend!

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~ Doubledb

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Meeting Leslie: Part 1 of 2

After nine months of treading through the confusing waters of online dating, I felt God calling me to something different. But I wasn’t exactly sure what. I cut back on the online dating, rarely checking the site and not sending out any messages over the last month or two. After so long it just became cumbersome, seemed futile, impersonal, and created frustration inside of my heart.

I decided I was going to go to a college and young adult bible study that a mega church runs here. Yes, I was considering I might meet someone there I might want to date but I also just wanted to find some friends, some people who like to have fun, who are in my same life-stage, even if they were a bit younger.

That’s when I met Leslie (not real name). Not the first week but the second week, even then I only got her name and the fact that she was going to be there the coming week. The next week I got her full name and one of her friends name and added them both on Facebook.

A lot of the underpinnings happened in those messages on Facebook. I asked her to coffee or a movie, she said sure, and then later told me she spent the weekend meeting her boyfriend’s parents. She never said she didn’t want to meet, which confused me. I still decided to pull back so I told her and one of her friends if they wanted to do something to let me know. Plans either never happened or kept falling through.

For the first few weeks at the bible study we set separately, either her or her friends couldn’t see me or she sat in the middle of her friends. Eventually she came to either invite me to sit next to her and her friends or she would come and sit next to me. It was nice. I liked her as a friend but obviously since I asked her out for coffee or a movie in the first place there was always that initial attraction. I wanted to acknowledge and respect the fact she had a boyfriend... even if inside I wanted to dismiss and ignore that because of my own desires and feelings.

Well, then I got into a car accident. Those who know me best know I am somewhat anxious driving, but add a car accident and the anxiety of having a rental I can’t get into an accident, and it’s pretty terrible, at least the first few days. Because of this and because I knew she would be driving close to my apartment on the way to the bible study, I asked her for a ride. First, this would help me with my anxiety and secondly, it would give me extra time to talk with her, friends or no friends riding along.

No friends ended up coming, when she texted me that fact I just called them losers and laughed but inside I was obviously excited. It would just be the two of us, not that I would try anything, but I would get to know her a bit more. It was during that ride she brought up her boyfriend, letting me know they were courting not dating. I still do not know why she decided to tell me this fact, being that either way she saw him as her boyfriend so what difference would it make.

After the bible study she was dropping me off and I asked if she… (Then I corrected myself)… she and her friends want to get together to let me know. We had been talking about movies earlier and how I wanted to see “Guardians of the Galaxy”. That is when she said, "If you'd like a movie buddy to go see Guardians, let me know".

To Be Continued…

~ Doubledb

Michael's Sacred Story: On Forgiveness and Moving Forward

Michael* came into the hospital with breathing problems. He had similar problems when he was a child but now in his forties is seeing them resurface. Through the course of our visits, Michael admitted that his medical problems were a consequence from his years of drug and alcohol abuse, that he had been addicted for years.

Michael has a girlfriend who is supportive of him, as well as a family who stands behind him but does not help him continue in his addictions. While Michael has been drug-free for years, he is just a month sober after previous years of going without alcohol.

Though he has faith, Michael says he has not been to church in a while but it is something that he sees now he needs to do as he has been thinking about his life during this time. We also spoke about his dependency on drugs and alcohol as a way to escape, to deal with anxiety and stress. Michael desires to pursue productive ways of dealing with life; yet admits his default is to turn back to drinking.

We also talk for a while about forgiveness, because one day he asks me to pray that God and others forgive him. He tells me he feels that perhaps God is punishing him and I ask him if he feels he deserves to be punished. At this thought he cries and says part of him does, for all the horrible things he did in the past and the way he use to live.

I speak to him, stating that there are consequences for our actions, but God’s arms are always open to him, waiting for him to come back fully from the life he once lived. While he is currently living his life as someone who defines himself by his horrible past, God offers him a better future, one with goodness and meaning. This does not mean he will not face the possible physical consequences on his body from his past use, but it does mean he can live better moving forward.

Michael cries a little during our visits, shedding tears for all those past atrocities in his life; but part of me cannot help thinking he also sheds tears that God, after all the things he has done, would still love someone like him.

On Friday, before the weekend, we meet one last time. He is more peaceful now and doing better, likely going home soon. We have conversed multiple times about his past, his resources, and options that can help him to get better. He knows in his mind the good he needs to do but it remains his choice if he will pursue the right course for his life.

We pray together and I ask strength, wisdom, and perseverance for him during this time. As I leave I say another personal prayer by myself that God may help this man put actions to his thoughts and words; that he may finally be free of the past that so easily entangled him and is so hard for him to leave behind.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us – Hebrews 12:1 9 (NIV)

~ Doubledb

* Information has been changed to protect patient privacy.

Modern-Day Pharisees

There is a lot of judgment in the church, a lot of holier-than-thou thinking across all denominations in the Christian church. We Christians like to set our self as different from the Jews in that we are under grace and not under the law. And yet we are blind, blinded by our own arrogance and self-righteous attitudes, in our individualistic and materialistic thinking. We are very concerned with us, how great we are doing, how well others see us… or at least how great others perceive us to be.

We have taken this thinking into our churches.
We have taken this thinking into our faith communities.
We have taken this into our personal time between us and God.

We, who once were so taken aback by the unlimited love and grace of God, who worked so hard to "attain" where we are spiritually, so often have the urge to lead other people into our own journey of faith, instead of their own… to tell them our way, our belief, our journey is the only correct way and route.

How do we do this?

In the church, this isn’t usually done directly but indirectly and passively. It begins when children are young and told not to question those in authority, the elders; then over time it seeps into us as we are teenagers and told things like we should never watch rated-R movies or listen to Rock music no questions asked. We are told certain things are secular and certain things are sacred.

No Discussion.

 

This is How it Begins.

Then as we get older we see how some other members of the church are involved in so many programs and it is suggested that we too come to the church multiple times a week. Forget your personality, your life, and your personal callings and growth; you are told this will be good for you, the church, make you happy, and grow you closer to God. This is a lie. Certainly getting more involved in church is never wrong; however, you can also suffer from the Martha complex of believing that busy-ness equals greater spirituality and maturity (LK 10:38-42). Not so. Jesus told Martha to look and learn from Mary. There must be a balance there and a question regarding our motivations when being so involved, are we feelings called by God or do we want others to see us doing spiritual things.

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” – Luke 18:9-14

Then a person stands up in front of church and speaks about their hour long quiet time reading and studying scripture each day, followed by a four hour long prayer time. Forget that this man is retired and decided to do this personally, we are swept up in the image of doing something so sacred for so long, as if it is something we cannot attain but strangely find ourselves feeling guilty for not spending so much time in the word and prayer ourselves. Forget that we helped our friend move into their new place last weekend. Forget that we have have work or some of us have children to attend to every day.

It continues.

I was once in a group where I let it be known I didn’t not have a passport, which is no big deal for me, since I don’t particularly have money for any fancy vacations and haven’t ever heard God calling me to a foreign country. Well, someone in the group who has a heart for missions expressed verbal and emotional disapproval on how a minister “should” have a passport because he "should" be doing international missions. This happened in front of a group of friends, some who had been on mission and some who had not. I just answered that I have never been called to go on the mission field. I don’t think she agreed that was a valid excuse, likely thinking I was running from God and being selfish.

Let me say this:
When foreign missions are more important than local missions, our community suffers.

Think about that. Let it seep in...

Lastly, an example from my youth minister days. I once had an older male member of the church come and ask me if he could be my mentor. he told me at a very vulnerable and difficult time in my own life, that he saw how I was hurting and could help me, help me to get myself in order, to even help me financially, but I'd have to accept his mentor-ship, his leadership, basically his right-ness. I told him I would think about it but couldn’t get over the sick feeling in my gut telling me this wouldn’t be a good thing.

Honestly, I’ve only ever had an official mentor except for one semester in college and then once in seminary for a class. Never own my own have I had a mentor. I've had friends and family, brothers and sisters in the faith who I sought for advice, but never one person.  I find my learning from CS Lewis, Lee Strobel, Richard J. Foster, Richard J. Foster, Francis Chan, Brian McLaren, Tony Campolo, and the like - these are my teachers. A mentor is a person wants to make you a mini-them but a spiritual director, according to men like Foster, is a person who comes alongside you, sees your gifts, and helps you develop those gifts and mature in your faith. I have many, not one, who help me in this role.

In that sense though, aren’t we all spiritual directors to one another, helping to encourage one another to strive forward, to persevere in our faith. At least, isn’t that what we should be? How do we get this wrong? Why do we want to put our walk, our answers, our thinking upon others and unpack that as right spirituality? Shouldn’t we be using Jesus as the example, not ourselves?

Have you ever met a Modern-Day Pharisee?
Have you ever caught yourself becoming or being one towards someone else?
What happened?

~ Doubledb

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On (Online) Dating and Friendship

Edit: I wrote this a few days ago but have been struggling on whether or not to post this on my public blog. I have come to the decision that while most things regarding being single (or married for others) might need to remain private or personal, sometimes we use this as an excuse to remain silent in our struggles, desires, and journey's regarding friendships and relationships. Additionally, I know from some married friends, their struggle can be to maintain that "perfect image" to other about their marriage. The reality is life is full of complexity, lots of confusion, but if we will let Him, God will challenge us to far greater things than we could ever attain and accomplish on our own... because our nature is selfish and His nature is full of love, holiness, kindness, and community. So, here we go...

=================

It's time I come clean, let the rabbit out of the hat, and admit what only a few close friends and family have known the past few months. I have been pursuing online dating, even asking a few females out that I have met face-to-face.

For years I found myself feeling a bit rejected, mostly relegated to the friend part of life with all my female friends when it came to relationships. Since this last November, about nine months, I started online dating after losing weight, gaining confidence, and finally deciding I would put myself in that wacky of world online dating despite my first experience at it a few years previously to be rather odd, if not slightly disturbing... If you call getting messages from sixty year old ladies disturbing. I did.

Let’s just say online dating is such an odd thing and I almost feel sad how many people are relegated to finding someone this way. I find it odd that we cannot connect with one another and network enough to find matches in real life, because in community we all know who is single, their personalities, and yet those looking stay silent (in shame or guilt I suppose) about their desires and longings.

Recently, I asked out a few females I had met in person, which is always a lot more dramatic and emotionally vulnerable than sending out the "hey you" message on a dating site to someone you do not know. The thing is, I've also recently been getting some opportunities to become friends with some females, which is odd when you are in a “dating mindset”, like the one that (online) dating produces, that seems to make women into more of a meat market of potential relationships than actually getting to know them as person, uniquely created by God.

Conviction.

The last few weeks God has really been laying friendship on my heart. I still do not have a lot of friends here in the area. It’s like being the new kid at a school where all the social groups are set and you are trying to fit in, to be accepted, to find your niche.

I read and share articles all the time in my Facebook about how men and women can be friends. I believe that in my mind, ideally, but my life the last few months hasn’t been showing what I profess to believe. It is very easy to cut out females from your life when you are so focused on finding "the one" or a "potential one" that you miss all the friends you could make, even if a relationship is not possible.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:12-15

Jesus told his disciples that they were his friends, so friendship doesn’t have to be some derogatory phase regarding the opposite sex in regards to relationships, nor does it mean there has to be some alternative underlying motive. Certainly there may be some form of attraction, but I believe friendship is appreciating the beauty of the other as a person without being in an intimate physical relationship, because the reality is all friendships are certainly emotional and spiritual, if not humorous and intellectual, sharing life with another.

Friendship is also known as "Philo” or “Philia" (Brotherly, Sisterly, or Friendly love) in the Greek and CS Lewis writes about friendship in his book "The Four Loves". There is something there, something God is showing me. Despite not wanting to be put in that “zone”, I question why, what am I seeking? What am I running away from? Am I only seeking what I desire but missing something I need, namely friendship? How can I so quickly dismiss that? How quickly do we dismiss others as friends based on many things like gender, socioeconomic status, etc. That thought is haunting me, convicting me, and God has not let it leave me the last few weeks.

Trust. Hope. Anticipate. Let Go.

So, for now, I am toning down on the online dating. Still pursuing it somewhat but I feel I’ve been stuck in extremes and need to re-prioritize, moderate, to find a balance between giving up or completely giving myself over to the (online) dating system. I think God has another way, a different way, one in which I get to know another, and one in which rejection of a relationship doesn’t have to be the end but can be the beginning of something new, a friendship with someone new, created by God that can add value to life.

What are your thoughts?

How do you feel about (Online) Dating?
How do you feel about friendship?
How about friendship with the opposite gender?

~ Doubledb

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