Anticipation

As much as I try not to,
As I wake or sleep,
My thoughts seem to turn to you.

You are seeing someone,
Yet continue to talk to me,
Perhaps to be nice,
But every time I see you,
Talk to you,
converse with you,
My feelings run high,
My thoughts begin to sputter,
Images of possibilities,
Run through the far corners of my mind.

Am I crazy?
Is this all in my mind,
Only in my mind?

Perhaps.

I think of all the walks we could take,
All the love letters I would write,
And of all the meals we could share.

Yet all these are held back,
Held in wait,
Until finally you utter that word,
Yes.

Yes,
I will go out with you.
Yes,
I see something more in you.
Yes,
I want to see what possibilities are there.
Yes,
I see potential in you,
Like you see in me.

My emotions rise,
I feel euphoric.

I know I shouldn't follow these feelings,
I know they cannot be answered right now,
But I sit in them smiling,
Smiling as I think thoughts of you.

I feel,
I cannot help it.

So, I'll respect your space,
respect your boundaries,
But I will lie here in wait,
Hoping you reciprocate my affections,
Hoping this someone you are seeing,
Is merely a farce until you search your feelings,
Or someone who makes a mistake,
And doesn't see the person you are inside.

But I see you,
I see your soul,
As you attend to others,
With your kind eyes and generous heart.

But the question isn't if I see you,
But if you see me,
If you will break these bonds one day,
And these feelings can be reciprocated,
Be set free,
And these thoughts made reality.

Until then,
I will keep things friendly,
But behind those conversations,
I hope you know possibilities sit and wait,
Wait in Anticipation.

~ Doubledb

Self-Acceptance is NOT an Excuse...

I was watching a video on YouTube this morning in which two females were doing a video chat about self-image issues. At one point in the video the one who was larger spoke about accepting how this is who she is and that there are men who find her attractive, basically she accepts herself as overweight, someone who deserves to be loved for who she is inside.

My response: Yes AND No.
Harsh Truths Coming...

Yes, you deserve to be respected as a human but no, self-acceptance is no reason to justify being overweight. I understand the struggle. I was 325 lbs at one point, am now 100 lbs down, and still have some more weight to go until I reach my goal.

We are the sum of our choices.
I felt the same way for so long. I thought others would and should love me for who I am, not for how I look. But in all honesty, I was lying to myself, trying to justify my poor choices; choices of not exercising, not eating right, and basically not caring for my health and well-being.

I told myself that I was just a person with a larger body structure, that there are women who would find me attractive for who I was inside and on the outside.

But here is what I found out:

Losing weight set me on a course of self-revelation. I found that as I lost weight, not only did others see me and associate with me more, but I also gained greater confidence in the process. I found out I could tackle a huge obstacle and succeed. This was something I did on my own, something I decided for myself to change.

Losing weight taught me that there might be some other aspects of myself to work on as well, like taking more risks and stretching myself. Over the course of the last few years I have tried to do things that challenge me and pull me outside of the box I was stuck inside for years, most notably moving out of state for work, being more intentional about meeting others, and regarding dating.

However, weight is not the only issues this is affected by this idea of “complete self-acceptance”, because there are many other areas where we as people tend to place blame on others instead of being proactive ourselves.

One can say: I shouldn’t have to buy an alarm system or lock my door because people shouldn’t steal. I shouldn’t have to wear certain clothes because people should control themselves. I should be able to walk alone at night because people shouldn’t want to take advantage of another simply because it is dark.

The truth is bad people exist, temptations exist, sin and evil are very real. We would be wise to learn to be both defensive and offensive about life, protecting ourselves from others who may harm us and using it as a way to do some difficult but needed self-critiquing as well.

I found this out by losing weight, by taking control of a part of my life I felt I had no control over, something that seemed impossible but I decided was important to change. I now am a better person physically and emotionally, not to mention spiritually for tackling this issue.

So, while self-acceptance and self-worth do matter, these things should never be an excuse to keep harming ourselves, to continue bad habits, or to treat others in a poor manner, stating “this is who I am, like me or don’t like me, I don’t care.”
Hear me when I say this: If you do not care, others will likely not care.
Apathy is a life-stealing characteristic.

However, being engaging, challenging, passionate, focused, and purposeful; these are qualities we should all have and develop.

If we care for our self and are working toward betting ourselves, others will see that, appreciate us, and desire to be around us.

Have you ever dealt with weight?
Have you dealt with self-image/self-acceptance issues? How so?
Do you find yourself apathetic toward life or in pursuit of it?

~ Doubledb

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On Dating And Becoming Who You Want To Be

Honestly, I never wanted to do online dating. In fact, my preference would have been and will always be to find some woman at church who loves God, we both catch each other’s eye, we become friends, and then it develops into something more. This of course will seem almost effortless.

The Truth: That is unlikely to happen.

First, it presupposes I will find someone at church, when past experience shows that is likely to never happen. All of my efforts to initiate dating with someone from church have never worked out. Secondly, it presupposes she will want to be friend and that she is not currently seeing someone. Thirdly, it also suggests there is a pool of singles in churches, when you can clearly look at the stats and anyone ages 25-35 are basically absent from church.

So, I had to decide to do something else, to be someone else, someone more intentional, aggressive, and willing to take more risk.

I went on a date with a woman this past Monday out of town. We met for dinner and then had a nice walk around a reservoir in that city. While I’m trying to figure out my feelings about her, I’m also thinking about the nurse at work who is seeing someone, not to mention the other females I have messaged or might message online.

This all makes me feel like a... player?

I guess if the women knew, it would make then feel I didn’t value them. But it is difficult to find a balance. In dating you can put all your efforts into one person (which is what I did in the past) only to be rejected or you can start putting yourself out there more and see all of the potentials.

This changes your mind a lot, as far as rejection. making you less inclined to stay in that spot of being hurt and helps to propel you forward; however, it also seems to make you question each woman you meet. Do I like her? Can I find someone better? Should I see where this goes or just move on?

But this also makes you question your assumptions about compatibility. Does she have to be into watching the same movies or TV shows? The same music? Will she like to talk or read about theology or psychology?

These questions begin to be replaced by: What are her values? Would our personalities fit together? Do we and will we enjoy eachothers company? Not to mention, if she is nice, is it a friend nice or relationship potential nice? The hardest thing is trying to figure this out through one meet-up or date.

I always wanted to be a more outgoing person and I have accomplished that in some ways. I feel fine initiating contact and going on dates with different women. But part of me regrets that it can’t be easier. I read books and blogs about (Christian) dating and many say to wait, to follow God, and things will have a way of working out.

I have found in my own life that nothing I have accomplished came through waiting. I never sat by, waiting for a job to call me, but instead sent out multiple resumes a week; so for me, to suggest I should seek God and wait seems unintelligible.

I want to believe it could be so easy, but anything good in my life has come through hard work. If I had known in college what I know now, I would have pursued a lot more women during that time (and maybe gone to less bible studies). But you can’t look backward, only forward.

~ Doubledb

Past vs. Present-Self: The Struggle to Overcome Insecurities

I'm not really sure I want to write this. I’ve gone from gaining more confidence at times, to finding myself lacking confidence at all. I plan dates, chat online, and am meeting new females, while other times I am at home alone curled up on my couch because it is just emotionally difficult and confusing. I want to open myself up, but the process of finding someone to open myself up to means risking myself and facing rejection, as well as rejecting others.

People who date are brave. I am brave.

But I don’t feel brave.

I don’t know how else to say it, putting yourself out there emotionally is very vulnerable. You are basically putting yourself before another person and seeing if you find enough value in the other to pursue a relationship. In the past, when you are single and under 25, this isn’t as complicated because it can be done by meeting females through friends or through other female friends. However, once you get out of college or graduate school, you have to be more intentional about dating. You cannot "wait" for friendship to see if you like someone or wait for some person to fall into your lap. The truth is, male or female, you have to put yourself out there and also pursue. You gain nothing without taking action, without taking risks. The risk may come out well, but there may also be a long road of confusion and some sticky emotional feelings that arise. You have to be sure about your foundation in life; your family, your friends, and your faith if you are a religious person. Simply put, you cannot put all of your identity into dating, in what these others people think of you, as the people you are pursuing should not hold you up on some pedestal as well.

This past week I was getting tired of waiting. I’ve wanted to pursue some females at work for a while now. Well, one day this week she one working and I passed by one of them and said hi. I work at a hospital and the (damn) floors are always busy and so is the staff, including myself. I thought about the idea for a while now of writing her a letter and putting it in her box but know in-person is always the best choice to ask someone out. This week I just got frustrated with myself and the situation.

I often lack confidence and wait.

Other times I just want to get it over with.

Is there a happy medium?
Patience.

My anxiety rose that day and I got nervous. I also got a call and had no reason to go back to that area of the hospital that day, unless of course I just began wondering around the halls aimlessly, looking like I am lost when my badge shows I clearly work at this place every day. I wrote to a few friends online to get suggestions, cause I was tired of waiting and thought maybe the letter was a good idea. It wasn’t. It isn’t. It will never be. I know that.

Honestly, I only ever asked one female out on an actual date in person. She did say yes; however, I think by the time I asked her I was well acquainted with the friend-zone and she clearly did not see me in a romantic manner. Despite things not working out there, I’ve found myself through the years asking females out, typically through Facebook if I know them in-person. Only recently, as you readers know, have I pursued online dating. It has given me more confidence, but to say I still don’t have my issues would be incorrect.

What I haven’t shared is that I’ve been chatting with at least three females the last couple of weeks. I even went on a date to the zoo, which was good; however, I did not feel a spark with this female. I felt as if I was asking questions, telling stories, and trying to be engaging and she simply wasn’t responding back. Sometimes it was like talking to a wall. I’ve noticed this with some females I have had coffee with, like they stick to the basics, so while I want to know their personality and hear stories about their life, they seem to mostly want to give and receive facts. If dating is only about facts, I could send you a resume. And well, you DID see my online profile. But that profile is not me. It is an image or portrayal of me. I am a whole and complicated person.

In addition to this, despite losing a lot of weight, I still mentally and emotionally see myself as a fat person. That is just the truth. I can look at my pictures and in the mirror and in my mind know logically I’ve lost weight and am more attractive; however, emotionally I mostly feel the opposite. When I think about asking someone out, I feel like they will reject me because I am a fat loser with no confidence. The irony is I know I am not a loser, know I am not fat, and know by asking I am actually expressing confidence, so long as I'm not mumbling like an idiot. I think it is taking time for my newer image of myself to throw out the older image, writing a new update over the old software that ran my mind and life for so long. I am still that person on the inside, but the dark doubts and ways I felt about myself must change, need to change, simply HAVE to change. They fit me and my life no longer.

Pressing forward is not easy,

but the alternative is that the old ideal of myself will remain,

but it cannot and the new self I am making must rise.

~ Single Me

Ticketed in the Church: Writing While Single?

Anytime a person writes about their life, they have to choose what areas of their life they wish to write about and the areas they wish to keep personal. I actually started writing about being single back in 2007, mid-way through my time in seminary. I came to a point in my life, after twenty-five, when I began to acknowledge that I may be single for far longer than I had anticipated.

For years I wrote about my life, but neglected writing about my thoughts and experiences being single. Mostly, I didn’t want to come across whiny, needy, or desperate (Ironically, just writing that makes me come across whiny, needy, and desperate). So, in 2007 for a brief stint, I wrote about being single on my main blog and on my Facebook; however, during that time I learned that my more personal experiences, thoughts, and insecurities regarding singleness did not need to be on my main blog.

If writing is about choosing your boundaries, how much you will open up, I learned that writing about being single needed to only be available to those who could take the hard truths I was seeing and living; therefore, back in 2011, I moved all my blogs entries about being single from my main blog to a separate and anonymous site.

Why anonymous? Basically, when you work as a minister, you are open to public scrutiny, so while I have the desire to write and share, I don’t desire for bosses, coworkers, patients, and their families into that part of my life. And honestly, I also did it also to cut down on hearing cliché phrases and responses from those who are married, trying to console my dark times by telling me I will find someone in time, I should focus on myself, or how they long for the days of their own freedom and singleness.

So, while this vast area of my life has been stricken from my public writing, it does still exist, it exists because I use writing as a way to process life and hope others will join me in their journey as well, that life isn’t all the happy pictures and status updates we post and see, but is sometimes tough and gritty and uncomfortable.

I want to make (you) my readers uncomfortable because I am not always comfortable. I see a lot of areas of life to ponder, and while none of them are off limits necessarily, some areas deserve more privacy and care. That being said, being single is just one area of my life and if a married person believes a single person is to be pitied or avoided for their singular status, I’d say that person is forgetting that the cornerstones of any relationship is built on love, friendship, and trust.

In fact, Jesus had a lot to say about friendship,

Which will be the focus of my next blog entry.

But for today, let's take a second to think about the unneeded divisions we place between people, not just married and single, but male and female, rich and poor, and so forth. Then remember that, for those of us who call ourselves Christian… In Christ, We are (Supposed to Be) One.

¹² Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. – 1^st Corinthians 12:12-14

~ Doubledb

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My Soul Laid Bare?

What if I told you the truth? What if I typed all of my truest feelings and deepest thoughts? What if I really let you in, behind the surface veil of my life? Would it make us connect deeper or would you run further away?

What if what I typed wasn’t all roses? What if what I posted wasn’t all about smiles and past-times, but about hardship and suffering? What if that suffering produced growth and was an integral part of my story? Would you still read? Would you still listen?

What if I posted about online dating? What if I wrote long entries here about my elation of a coffee date and my deflation when a second date was woefully declined?

Would you read with me?
Would you walk with me?

Would you grief with me?
Would you rejoice with me?

Would you walk alongside me in this journey as I try my best to walk alongside you in yours, as express the joys and struggles of marriage, of trying to have children, or of raising your children?

Would you care about my thoughts regarding loneliness since I moved so far from my home state? Would you listen to me express how I love my position but miss everyone and everything I ever knew?

Would you listen to me build up my life from a new foundation? Would you hear how I call and depend on people I don’t know, to lay my pride down and ask when I need help?

Would you read about how my life often feels repetitive?
When you live alone, life seems the same, week by week, day by day.

Silence fills up your space.

Even when you are busy, you can feel your alone-ness weighing on you, reminding you that you are not connecting to anyone or anything, sometimes no matter how hard you try.

You are grasping at air.

Would you listen if I told you that despite all of these things, this time has been my biggest growth and achievement personally and spiritually? Would you like to hear how God has been changing my heart and mind since the day I moved here, that being alone has made me depend on God on a far deeper level? Would you like to hear about the new riches of that relationship, discovery though hardship?

Would you care to read?
Would it pierce you?

If I bared my soul to you,
Would it matter?

Would it merely be another blog entry?
Would it merely be a form of entertainment for your eyes?
Would it merely be a form of isolation or bring connectedness?

Only time will tell…
When I bare my soul.

However, for now,
My musings are my own.

~ Doubledb

Reading Female Authors: A List

 










When I was in graduate school, it occurred to me one day that all the authors I read were male, I couldn't even think of any female authors I had read or planned to read, so I decided to challenge myself to seek out and read more female authors. Here are some female authors I have read.

The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Dystopian Future; Fiction/Non-Fiction

The Handmaid's Tale is a book based on the premise that in a dystopian future, conservatism has taken over and woman are used as servants. For those who are elite and whose wife do not produce offspring, they are given handmaids with whom stay at their home and have relations with the end cause being procreation. Additionally, in this book, this dystopian future is recent enough that there are still people who remember a time before the sanctions on women, when they were equal, still having the right to vote, speak freely, read, write, and think.

The Hunger Games (Book 1) by Suzanne Collins
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Dystopian Future; Fiction/Non-Fiction

While the Handmaids Tale focused on women, in this society war has brought out the have from the have-nots, the rich from the poor. Basically, everyone who is not part of the Capital is in want and need while those in the Capital live in excess, throwing away food while others starve. The Hunger Games are a means of control, both providing entertainment, fear, and food/money to the victor. These games show the power of the government while allowing them to act as if the end justify the means, that by having a victor to whom to give gifts, the spilling of children's blood is acceptable and needed. For deeper meaning in this story one must read the books subtext, as the author is not merely telling a story but making a social commentary regarding government, free speech, entertainment, and reality television.

Getting Naked Later: A Book for the Fully Clothed by Kate Hurley
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Christianity; Singles
Blog: The Sexy Celibate ; Facebook

In this book, Kate Hurley takes us through her journey, thus far, of being single. Being a single Christian has not been easy for her, with her longings and desire for a husband and family. In the book she comments on issues in the church regarding singles, namely their desire to easily answer the complex questions and experiences singles bring, not just about themselves but about God's will. She writes about how many answer her desires with quick fixes, such as "Let it go and the right man will come" or "Pray and God will give you the desires of your heart". In truth, this dichotomy in the church between singles and marrieds is almost a class system. Most notably, for me in this book, was the scene where Kate describes being at a wedding, desiring to dance but being asked by no one. I appreciate the authors vulnerability and honesty in this book. I would recommend it to those who are single and those who are married who want to break down the walls between themselves and their single friends.

Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings her Home by Jonalyn Grace Fincher
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Women; Females; Sexuality; Femininity; Christianity; The Church
Blog: Soulation: Jonalyn's Blog

I started reading this author on her blog (see above) and found her thoughts very interesting. I bought her book because I wanted to hear about females from a female author. Her book begs the question: What does it mean to be female? What does it mean to be female in the church? Most notably in her books is the fact that she states that while writing her book, diving into the scriptures and in conversations with other Christians, her views were transformed. Where she originally was going to write a book more along the lines of femininity and God's call to be complimentary rather than equal in the church, her mind was changed. She writes about the female soul, how it is part of the image of God, just as much as the male soul. Females are tuned into the emotional side of things, with the ability to use words either to uplift or tear down. Most notably to me was her honesty in admitting there have been times when she was tempted to use her emotional discernment to manipulate men instead of encourage them. Still, she writes about her struggle in the church trying to speak out and think critically as a female while being in a mans domain.

Guilty As Sin by Tami Hoag
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Thriller; Mystery

I am going to be honest. I got this book at a gift-shop for .50 cents. I was intrigued by the premise and it looked like something similar to a novel by John Grisham or Tom Clancy, so I gave it a try. In this book the main character is a female caught in the midst of a murder trial. The murder started as a kidnapping and moves on as the wheels move in the investigation, in the courts, and in the female leads life-long obsession with her job and her inner desire to find love and happiness in a world she is unsure of life and finds it unpleasant after so many years of working on such cases. Worth a read!

When We Were in Fire by Addie Zierman
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Memoir, Christianity; Conservatism; Evangelicalism
Blog: Addie Zierman: How to Talk Evangelical ; Facebook

First of all, this author is very open about her life. Basically, she grew up as a conservative evangelical, many times trying to please her boyfriend, instead of finding out who she was herself. This book describes, in length, her time with her first boyfriend, and then later as time went on how she began to find herself. This book is a messy, but I feel sometimes life is messy and reading something like this puts a mirror up to the reader to question the status quo (especially among the religious) and also to figure out what life and faith mean for them. I would definitely recommend this book, especially to those who grew up conservative or to those who want to better understand the life and thoughts of one who grew up in that situation for years, struggling later to break free from that past and find her own journey.

Celibate Sex by Abbie Smith
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Single, Sexuality, Celibacy, Faith
Website: Unsteady Saint ; Facebook

Honestly, it took me a while to get into this book. However, after a chapter or two I began to really enjoy this book. Abbie writes about the dichotomy between the single and those who are married in the church. She asks how come the church seems to value those who are married over those who are single, when Jesus himself was single. Certainly there are verses that speak of the riches of marriage; yet we also have scriptures that speak of the great opportunity afforded to those who are single or choose to be single. In effect, the single person can devote more time to God and the kingdom when they are not consumed with pleasing their spouse and keeping up with children. Abbie writes very well to express how both married and single persons can both be equally serving God, only by different means and avenues. Neither should be praised nor looked down upon.

More Female Authors on my To-Read List:
Oryx and Crake (MaddAddam Trilogy #1) by Margaret Atwood
Evolving in Monkey Town: by Rachel Held Evans
Christianity After Religion: by Diana Butler Bass
Jesus Feminist: An Invitation to Revisit the Bible’s View of Women by Sarah Bessey
Holy Ghost Girl: A Memoir by Donna Johnson
Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint by Nadia Bolz-Weber
On Death and Dying ; Life Lessons ; The Wheel of Life by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
The Great Emergence by Phyllis A. Tickle
Daring Greatly: by Brené Brown
Beauty Restored by Me Ra Koh
My Sisters Keeper by Jodi Picoult
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Fired Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flag
Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar
The Giver by  Lois Lowry
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

Have you read any of these books?
If so, what did you think?

Do you have any female authors you would recommend?

~ Doubledb