Meeting Leslie: Part 3

The last few months have been very confusing for me. Before "Leslie" left for college she kept putting off seeing a movie with me.. maybe next week she kept saying. Then I said I thought it would be better if we did not hang out one-on-one since she had a boyfriend. I tried to message her a few times that month and she just kept saying she was busy.

So, I met up with her when I went to go do an orientation for my second job in another city. She was supposed to get a group together, which happened to be one other person who ended up leaving before I got there, so I said we could go ahead and meet since I was already in town. We had a good time, at least I enjoyed spending a little while talking to her. We did hug as I left.

A few weeks later I got her address to sent her some of my books to borrow, related to something we had talked about when I talked with her. Shortly after I suggested we try to catch-up on Skype or through a phone call. She seemed genuinely interested and told me she made time on her calender. Since our schedules had both been so crazy I was excited to get to speak to her in person, because I tire of the internet, even if I do like to write... being away from friends and family so much makes you crave real interactions with peoples tone, humor, body language, and actually seeing their face.

So the day came and I was ready to get on Skype in an hour to chat with her when I see a new message. I just knew this was bad. I think I almost knew this was coming. She was going to cancel on me. Sure enough, my fears were true. She and her boyfriend had a talk (in the three hours since we had confirmed meeting that night on Skype) about hanging out and talking to someone of the opposite sex on the phone or on Skype.

Stab!

I replied that I understood but I was sad, though I couldn't truly admit why I was hurt. My brain told me I was stupid, because she has a boyfriend, what are you doing? I told my brain I was trying to be friends, at least, try to continue to connect with her, even if I cannot tell her how I feel right now, especially now with this. My feelings told me to feel horrible, that it was ok, that my brain was stupid and over thinks everything anyways, sometimes it is ok to follow your heart, to try to connect with someone, and when that connection is blocked, it is ok to be sad and grieve a little.

So, We can still do group things, only with our schedules and her being out of town... I'm just not sure how much that will really work. I try to remind myself that friendships take months and years to form, and relationships that potentially grow out of a friendship take time as well. Still, I keep finding myself asking God: Why am I in this situation? Why did I meet this women? Why did I meet her now when she has a boyfriend and not at some other time? I mean, it would have been much more convenient otherwise, right? But that is simply not how real life works.

So, this is where I find myself. I included her in a message with friends for some group stuff I'm trying to plan, though I don't know if any of it will work out or if she will even be free. Frankly, I don't know what I am doing or why I care to try so much here. I guess when you feel you connect with someone, that urge can be very strong and since I don't find myself connecting with a lot of people where I live, I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I think she is worth the effort, even if it is only friendship... but I question how much effort and when does it make sense to stop.

I pray God guide me and direct me here. I've always felt a disconnect between God and my dating life. I am sure he is there and is involved, I'm just not always sure exactly how. But still, I press forward. I'm not saying I am not looking to make other friends or wouldn't be open to meeting or dating anyone else if that happened, but if the last year has taught me something, it is that finding, making, and keeping friends in this new place is going to be very difficult. People have other friends and routines, so new people mostly have to be invited into this system, trying to create one of your own from the random people you meet and know seems almost impossible here.

And so my story keep unfolding,

Though I am not ever quite sure exactly where it is going.

~ Doubledb

Our First Affection: Part 2 of 2

Fasting

About a month ago I finished reading through John Piper's book on Fasting called "A Hunger for God". I had read the book a few years ago when I was merely curious about the practice. At the time I was in a supervision in ministry class and my pastor, who was my mentor, asked if I had ever fasted and would I fast while going through this book? I replied in the past I had fasted from television, video games, and the internet but only rarely ever had fasted from food. I then told him I was merely curious to read a book that went deeper into the spiritual discipline. The truth was, I wasn’t ready at all to seriously seek out to do such a thing. I mean, I like food and I don’t like feeling hungry. That should have told me something but at the time I was too hard-headed to hear God in the midst of all the other things I had going on at the time.

While reading this book again recently my church asked the congregation to fast if the spirit led them, as we had our pastor move back to Texas and our church is seeking God's will on where to go next. For some reason this time I thought I might begin trying to do this thing called fasting, after all, not only is my church seeking direction, but I am still trying to adjust to a huge transition in my life, continue to seek out and make friends, as well as ponder with God if there may or may not ever be a spouse and family in my future.

I'd say the first few times I did not last long trying to NOT eat because I did not much like the feeling of being hungry, much like I expected. In fact, sometimes I would decide I was hungry enough and semi-gorge myself on food. Then it started to hit me. What am I really hungry for food at times? Am I hungry for jobs to pay down student loan debt? Am I hungry for friends? Am I truly hungry for food? Am I hungry for a relationship? Am I hungry for God? And why does it take me all those other questions to get to pondering my hunger for God?

Fasting is one expression of our struggle. Fasting is the voluntary denial of a normal function for the sake of intense spiritual activity. It is a sign of our seriousness and intensity. When we fast, we are intentionally relinquishing the first right given to the human family in the garden - the right to eat.... Our fasting is part of our wresting with God. It is part of the birth pangs we endure in order to see new life come forth.
- Richard J. Foster, Prayer: Finding The Heart's True Home

And then another proverbial blow to my mind. I even wrote about it in my last blog. It is all about the loss of control. We indulge in these things, these distractions, we find ourselves consumed by materialism and individualism, by technology, by relationships, and these easily become distractions and idols because we simply are fearful, truly and utterly fearful about giving God control, about handing our life, every situation truly and openly up to Him. I think Job says it best, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord"(1:21).

This here is they key. We have to find a way to be content in all situations, good or bad, things that make sense or confuse us, knowing that in some way this, right now, right here in the present is exactly where we are supposed to be. God gives us a choice right here and now to follow Him or follow the world, but either way He desires and will try to nudge us, give us small impressions to follow Him. He will seek to guide us with his gentle small voice, but we can only have eyes to see past our blindness and ears to hear past our deafness if we relinquish control, accept where we are and seek out God, laying down all and every external.

This is not for the faint of heart, but I feel like if we are to take on such a thing, truly desire to seek out God and his ongoing wills for our life, we must see where we are, put ourselves in his ever-loving hands, trust he will mold us and guide us. One way we do this, placing him in this position of control, is by fasting, by practicing sacrificing our desires in seeking Him out.

“When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. - Matthew 6:16-18

We do not have to fast from food, or food alone, but the discipline is there and it is very clear that when people are seeking God and seeking discernment, for impressions from the spirit that this is a spiritual discipline to be practiced. In fact, Jesus does not say if we practice this but when we practice, so the questions are left to us.

Are we willing to give up control? Are we willing to put ourselves in God's hands?
Are we willing to fast from things that are between us and God?
Are we willing to listen to God's still-small voice and be open to the impression of the Holy Spirit?
Are we willing to move forward with God not knowing the outcome or its timing?
Are we willing to do the work to put God as our first and prime affection?

It is up to each of us to decide.

~ Doubledb

Our First Affection: Part 1 of 2

Our First Affection

Who should be our first affection? Most reading this will likely say Jesus Christ, or at least the Triune God. Does our life truly reflect that fact? I think about how many distractions we have in our life: Work, Television, The Internet, Tablets, Cell Phones, Spouses, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Fiances, Children, Family, even Friends. We have a great many things calling out, yelling for our time, screaming for our attention; yet God does not compete with us like the world does. God does not come at us raging but comes to us in a still small voice, ever present, ever near, ever with his arms wide open.

We are the ones who pass God. Maybe we decide simply not to go to church for no reason. Maybe we decide not to pick up our bibles to read. Perhaps we feel tired so we decide not to pray. Little by little such things take us from God and we are likely to spend our time pursuing other avenues. None of the things which distract us or that we might put before God are bad or evil or sinful in and of themselves, but it is when we fool ourselves, when we find ourselves placing such things in front of God, in front of Christ that these things become idols, become things that can actually keep us from God.

Here are some thoughts from Fancis De Sales on True Devotion:

There is only one true devotion, but there are many that are false and empty.... In his pictures Arelius painted all faces after the manner and appearance of the woman he loved and so too everyone paints devotion according to his own passions and fancies.... Many persons clothe themselves with certain outward actions connected with holy devotion, and the world believes that they are truly devout and spiritual whereas they are in fact nothing but copies and phantoms of devotion.

These are some strong images for those of us who do attend church, go to bible study, do our prayers; yet in the midst of life perhaps we are not as devoted to God as others may think, even as we may think. Perhaps this is because instead of comparing ourselves to Christ we compare ourselves to others who are less involved, less loving, less caring, less self-sacrificing, when instead we should be asking God ways to make us more involved, more caring, more self-sacrificing. Perhaps we are just to blinded by our own life and the world around us to hear God speaking to us in that Gentle Whisper as we run hurried to this place and from that place, never stopping to listen, to hear. We must put our affections and love towards Christ, for he is eternal while the world around us remains temporary.

I think this is where the thoughts or Richard Rolle will challenge us:

But this eternal and overflowing love does not come when I am relaxing, nor do I feel this spiritual ador when i am tired out after, say, traveling, nor is it [there] when i am absorbed with worldly interests or engrossed in never-ending arguments. At times like these I catch myself growing cold; cold until once again I put away all things external, and make a real effort to stand in my Savior's presence only then do I abide in this inner warmth.... Love for God and love for the world cannot exist in the same soul; the stronger drives out the weaker, and it soon appears who loves the world and who follows Christ. The strength of peoples love is shown in what they do.

And this brings us to two outcomes when it comes to our affections, either we have chosen to follow self, which will lead us away from God or we choose to make Christ our prime affection. Here is the key I think, with either choice God will desire to break us in some manner. For those who chose to walk away from God, perhaps follow some sin or idol, putting it in the place of God, I believe God will begin to break the person down by ridding them of their idols, by showing them these temporal objects will not last nor satisfy.

For the others, who seek to partner with God in making Him first, what are they to do? Everyone knows the typical answers such as seek God, go to church, pray, and read scripture. These are all good but I wonder if we are necessarily doing anything to show God our hearts true intent for Him to reign supreme. I think for us to truly begin to place God first we must sacrifice. There is a spiritual discipline for this to help us learn to sacrifice, one that many of us have forgotten or neglected called fasting...

May God stir our affections...  to be continued.

 

~ Doubledb

Christianity Unchained

I go to church. I read devotional books and blogs. So much of what I see is safe Christianity. We stay away from the tough subjects. We remain closed-off from the deeper truths that in each of our lives; the pain, loneliness, negative thoughts, and more that we each keep hidden behind the veil, the image we all portray to others that our life is perpetually happy, fine, and ok. The truth is most of us are far from ok.

I think God wants more openness and vulnerability. I think people are crying out for authenticity. Why do we always need to have order to our worship, our services, our programming, and our prayers? A little disorder and freedom might do us well. Certainly we can take freedom too far and some order is needed; but lately I keep asking myself: Where is the beauty? Where is the spontaneity and freedom of the Holy Spirit in our lives? Where is the life? Where is the rush of the love of God flowing out in amazing and crazy ways among us as Christians?

Why do we not have banners and art adorning the hallways, rooms, and sanctuaries of our churches from church members? Where are the writers, the poets, and the readers? Where are the song writers and their original songs being sung, performed, and played? Why do we buy and perform only music and bible studies that are pre-packaged and sold when plenty of us are creative and thought-provoking?

Why? That is the question. Is it because we are fearful of letting the Spirit go wild in us, giving God control? If we can know the songs, books, and studies are all approved by publishers or merchandisers at the local Christian bookstore, then we can remain safe perhaps, we can maintain control.

Maybe we do not need so much control. Maybe our need to control is what is keeping us chained down. And, because of these chains we are currently losing this generation who desire authenticity, openness, honesty, discussion, who need some order in their lives but also need to see the abundant freedom of the Spirit moving among us as well.

I remember years ago interviewing for a youth ministry positions and one of the questions I received often was about what bible study series from the Christian bookstore I use to teach youth. They always had surprised looks when I told them I wrote, and preferred to write, my own lessons.

I suppose somewhere in high school, I just no longer agreed with the culture of Christian merchandizing, whether it was the items for things like See You at The Pole or the newest book on the front shelf of the Christian bookstore. I began to find, for me, that Christianity was less about the stuff and more about the content, quality, and love. I began to find value in older Christian writers, as well as disciplines like solitude and simplicity that run counter to our American culture, which is fast-paced and anything but simple.

Hear me here. What we do not need is another t-shirt, wrist-band, or event; what we need is to seek and run after God with our whole heart daily, to allow Him to change us, for us to become unchained Christians ever-so-wonderfully lost in the midst of God's control and his loving hands as He guides and directs us. Then, as God changes us, we will show his love and tell of His greatness.

God does not need merchandizing nor events, for we as the church worshiping God and loving others in community, this is our advertising, these are our holy events. When we do such things as the church we are shinning as the light in the darkness of this world. This is how people will see, come, and know Christ. This is how they will become disciples of Jesus, by letting go and giving ourselves to God, wholeheartedly and unchained.

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: ³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ - Matthew 22:37-39 

~ Doubledb

Letter to Men

Our culture would have you believe men come in one of two categories, either they are the Ray Romano’s and Tim-the-Toolman Taylor’s who have a difficult time with logic or they are the strong and silent Ron Swanson's who like to eat meat, hunt, and would prefer to live alone in a cabin in the woods and never have to talk to another living soul ever again. These are lies. We are more than this.

Our culture would have you believe men are emotionless creatures, who follow pure logic or no logic at all, that they are creatures who pursue their visually stimulated lustful thoughts and have seemingly no control over their actions. We are either robot or beast.

This is also untrue.

Men have a depth. I have seen it, but it lies behind a veil that not to many women or other men will ever get to see. Men have been taught since they were young that their emotions are wrong, that they should not cry or be vulnerable. Still, even for those lucky enough to have good parents who encouraged open communication and allowed their sons to express these emotions, the world pushes them back as they enter school, college, the workforce, and pursue relationships.

I have seen men weep because they cannot find work to pay bills or provide for their family. I have seen men weep and question how they can be so selfish when they truly desire to love their wife more than themselves. I have seen men weep, gushing tears after a breakup, divorce, or death of a spouse, lacking sleep and not being able to eat for days or weeks. But from others, from the world, these emotions are hidden. Why?

There are expectations.

Men feel these expectations. Men do not have an out when it comes to life. People generally do not feel sorry for men. We are supposed to be independent and strong. When we leave to college we are expected to be self-sufficient and never need help. True, some do run back home and waste their lives pursuing their man-toys like video games or sports cars, but true men fight to live and are sometimes weighed down by these expectations. We are expected to have high paying jobs, expected to always have friends, and though not as verbal, we are expected to find someone and marry by a certain age.

But none of these pieces make a man.

A real man finds that there is strength in admitting his weakness, because this is the only way he can ever grow. A real man knows his emotions are there for a reason and allows himself to be honest and vulnerable but also sees the wisdom in only allowing himself to open up to those who are close and loyal.

Responsibility not Expectations drives real men.

Responsibility is taking hold of your dreams and pursuing them, knowing that no one else can live your life but you. Responsibility means you have to be the one who initiates friendships or a relationship, taking the risk of rejection or you are responsible for never even trying and putting yourself out there at all. It means working hard for your family or your future family, paying off debt, and sacrificing in the present for your future. Finally, men taking responsibility means single or married, you take up caring for those with whom you are close; friends, family, and others in need.

Men, I know you grow up thinking life is about becoming strong and independent but somewhere along the way I think we all learn being a real man is NOT about being an individual but about being a part of a community, a family, a person who cares deeply for others and wishes to be known.

Men only hold back because we are too fearful to move forward, we are protected and guarded, because while we were told to be strong, we still care what others think and how they perceive us. 

But at some point we will hopefully decide to start letting those expectations and worries about what others think go; instead learning that life, a good life, is letting others in, caring for them, encouraging them, and seeing them grow and succeed.

Men, never be afraid to be open and to be yourself. Don’t let our culture dictate what you should do, how you should act, or what you should share. Play and watch sports. Write Poetry. Sing Songs. Play Paintball. Go Hunting. Like Star Wars and Chick Flicks. Be You!

Know that being a man is more than pieces. Being strong and confident in yourself as a whole makes the man. Finally, remember Jesus was the man who threw over the tables of the money-changers taking advantage of the poor and wept and mourned the death of his friend Lazarus. If we are looking for an image of a man worth striving to be, we should start there, with the boldness and compassion of Jesus Christ.

~ Doubledb

Adult Friendships: Part 2 of 2

In all truth, I don’t think we consciously know what we are doing all the time. I think after so much time it becomes like second nature. We hear a new friend say something that triggers a memory and we retreat. We offer to hang out or talk, they say they are busy or do not respond, and so our first and initial reaction it to cut them off because we don’t like even the potential and possible hint of rejection.

Finally, I think it is more difficult to become friends as we get older because, not only does it mean being open and vulnerable with another person; but it means that we have to carve out time from our life. One has to be a lot more intentional.

When we were young we didn’t have as many responsibilities and friends; yet, as we get older our list of duties, of rules, of hurts, of wounds; all of these things grow and become part of who we are inside. To become friends later in life means letting someone into this larger and more complex world that we have become. I think we find this scary. I think the reason it is harder to make friends as one gets older is simply this: Fear.

There was a time when we were young and innocent, that we trusted others, when we simply asked someone if they wanted to be friends; however, now we become much more general, asking people if they want to hangout sometime or how they are doing? We put these responses out there, seeing, hoping to get a response. How and when the person responds either continues the friendship and brings connection or severs it.

Today, be thankful for the friends you have but also do not let your thoughts stay on thankfulness alone but on building and nurturing such friendships. The old ones, people whom you loved and cared for, go back and thank these people in some way, let them know how they have personally touched your life.

What about those new friendships? Work on carving out time to make new friends, friends who might be different than you, who will stretch you and help you grow. Put effort into friendships with real people, get off your computer, your cell phone, or your tablet. Go out into the world, speak to people in person, call someone on the phone and connect.

Today, remember and honor friendship. And remember, friendships takes two people, so if your efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated, pray to God that he connects you with someone who will appreciate you, appreciate your uniqueness, how God created you as an individual, and find someone worthy of a true and intimate friendship with you.

You deserve it. You are worth it.

~ Doubledb

Adult Friendships: Part 1 of 2

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how important friendship is in our lives. Think about growing up and how many friends you have now, how you might not even remember how you became friends with any of these people. Wasn't it so much easier back then to make new friends, even to get into a relationship?

Will you be my friend?

Do you want to hang out with me? Yes or No?

It is amazing to me that as we grow up and become more complex, so does the way in which we approach relationships. I suppose when we are young, we can easily bond over the class we are in, a particular sport we both play, or that we both seem to have the same hankering for chocolate ice cream.

Somehow, as we grow and mature, so do our taste. However, I think we might have become too picky. That person is too nerdy, too rich, too poor, and too different; so instead of trying to pursue friendship, taking a chance on the fact that different-ness might be beneficial, we usually just decide not to pursue that relationship at all.

I wonder if it goes deeper, maybe we don’t want to be seen with that type of person. Perhaps they are religious and we are not, or they wear different clothes than we do. Still, I wonder if it goes even deeper than we might be aware.

I wonder if as we become older and more complex, we found others had a tendency to judge us, either aggressively or passive-aggressively. Perhaps they found faults and threw them back in your face. Perhaps they let you hear a harsh truth and you never forgave. Maybe you were rejected and it still hurts. I think as we grow we have these wounds that never really heal, likely because we tend to run from such confrontations, so when we trying to pursue friendships we take this baggage with us.

More to come…

~ Doubledb