Michael's Sacred Story: On Forgiveness and Moving Forward

Michael* came into the hospital with breathing problems. He had similar problems when he was a child but now in his forties is seeing them resurface. Through the course of our visits, Michael admitted that his medical problems were a consequence from his years of drug and alcohol abuse, that he had been addicted for years.

Michael has a girlfriend who is supportive of him, as well as a family who stands behind him but does not help him continue in his addictions. While Michael has been drug-free for years, he is just a month sober after previous years of going without alcohol.

Though he has faith, Michael says he has not been to church in a while but it is something that he sees now he needs to do as he has been thinking about his life during this time. We also spoke about his dependency on drugs and alcohol as a way to escape, to deal with anxiety and stress. Michael desires to pursue productive ways of dealing with life; yet admits his default is to turn back to drinking.

We also talk for a while about forgiveness, because one day he asks me to pray that God and others forgive him. He tells me he feels that perhaps God is punishing him and I ask him if he feels he deserves to be punished. At this thought he cries and says part of him does, for all the horrible things he did in the past and the way he use to live.

I speak to him, stating that there are consequences for our actions, but God’s arms are always open to him, waiting for him to come back fully from the life he once lived. While he is currently living his life as someone who defines himself by his horrible past, God offers him a better future, one with goodness and meaning. This does not mean he will not face the possible physical consequences on his body from his past use, but it does mean he can live better moving forward.

Michael cries a little during our visits, shedding tears for all those past atrocities in his life; but part of me cannot help thinking he also sheds tears that God, after all the things he has done, would still love someone like him.

On Friday, before the weekend, we meet one last time. He is more peaceful now and doing better, likely going home soon. We have conversed multiple times about his past, his resources, and options that can help him to get better. He knows in his mind the good he needs to do but it remains his choice if he will pursue the right course for his life.

We pray together and I ask strength, wisdom, and perseverance for him during this time. As I leave I say another personal prayer by myself that God may help this man put actions to his thoughts and words; that he may finally be free of the past that so easily entangled him and is so hard for him to leave behind.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us – Hebrews 12:1 9 (NIV)

~ Doubledb

* Information has been changed to protect patient privacy.

Modern-Day Pharisees

There is a lot of judgment in the church, a lot of holier-than-thou thinking across all denominations in the Christian church. We Christians like to set our self as different from the Jews in that we are under grace and not under the law. And yet we are blind, blinded by our own arrogance and self-righteous attitudes, in our individualistic and materialistic thinking. We are very concerned with us, how great we are doing, how well others see us… or at least how great others perceive us to be.

We have taken this thinking into our churches.
We have taken this thinking into our faith communities.
We have taken this into our personal time between us and God.

We, who once were so taken aback by the unlimited love and grace of God, who worked so hard to "attain" where we are spiritually, so often have the urge to lead other people into our own journey of faith, instead of their own… to tell them our way, our belief, our journey is the only correct way and route.

How do we do this?

In the church, this isn’t usually done directly but indirectly and passively. It begins when children are young and told not to question those in authority, the elders; then over time it seeps into us as we are teenagers and told things like we should never watch rated-R movies or listen to Rock music no questions asked. We are told certain things are secular and certain things are sacred.

No Discussion.

 

This is How it Begins.

Then as we get older we see how some other members of the church are involved in so many programs and it is suggested that we too come to the church multiple times a week. Forget your personality, your life, and your personal callings and growth; you are told this will be good for you, the church, make you happy, and grow you closer to God. This is a lie. Certainly getting more involved in church is never wrong; however, you can also suffer from the Martha complex of believing that busy-ness equals greater spirituality and maturity (LK 10:38-42). Not so. Jesus told Martha to look and learn from Mary. There must be a balance there and a question regarding our motivations when being so involved, are we feelings called by God or do we want others to see us doing spiritual things.

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” – Luke 18:9-14

Then a person stands up in front of church and speaks about their hour long quiet time reading and studying scripture each day, followed by a four hour long prayer time. Forget that this man is retired and decided to do this personally, we are swept up in the image of doing something so sacred for so long, as if it is something we cannot attain but strangely find ourselves feeling guilty for not spending so much time in the word and prayer ourselves. Forget that we helped our friend move into their new place last weekend. Forget that we have have work or some of us have children to attend to every day.

It continues.

I was once in a group where I let it be known I didn’t not have a passport, which is no big deal for me, since I don’t particularly have money for any fancy vacations and haven’t ever heard God calling me to a foreign country. Well, someone in the group who has a heart for missions expressed verbal and emotional disapproval on how a minister “should” have a passport because he "should" be doing international missions. This happened in front of a group of friends, some who had been on mission and some who had not. I just answered that I have never been called to go on the mission field. I don’t think she agreed that was a valid excuse, likely thinking I was running from God and being selfish.

Let me say this:
When foreign missions are more important than local missions, our community suffers.

Think about that. Let it seep in...

Lastly, an example from my youth minister days. I once had an older male member of the church come and ask me if he could be my mentor. he told me at a very vulnerable and difficult time in my own life, that he saw how I was hurting and could help me, help me to get myself in order, to even help me financially, but I'd have to accept his mentor-ship, his leadership, basically his right-ness. I told him I would think about it but couldn’t get over the sick feeling in my gut telling me this wouldn’t be a good thing.

Honestly, I’ve only ever had an official mentor except for one semester in college and then once in seminary for a class. Never own my own have I had a mentor. I've had friends and family, brothers and sisters in the faith who I sought for advice, but never one person.  I find my learning from CS Lewis, Lee Strobel, Richard J. Foster, Richard J. Foster, Francis Chan, Brian McLaren, Tony Campolo, and the like - these are my teachers. A mentor is a person wants to make you a mini-them but a spiritual director, according to men like Foster, is a person who comes alongside you, sees your gifts, and helps you develop those gifts and mature in your faith. I have many, not one, who help me in this role.

In that sense though, aren’t we all spiritual directors to one another, helping to encourage one another to strive forward, to persevere in our faith. At least, isn’t that what we should be? How do we get this wrong? Why do we want to put our walk, our answers, our thinking upon others and unpack that as right spirituality? Shouldn’t we be using Jesus as the example, not ourselves?

Have you ever met a Modern-Day Pharisee?
Have you ever caught yourself becoming or being one towards someone else?
What happened?

~ Doubledb

Did you enjoy?
Please Like or Share.
To Subscribe Follow the Links on the Side (turn off Ad Blockers if you have them).

On (Online) Dating and Friendship

Edit: I wrote this a few days ago but have been struggling on whether or not to post this on my public blog. I have come to the decision that while most things regarding being single (or married for others) might need to remain private or personal, sometimes we use this as an excuse to remain silent in our struggles, desires, and journey's regarding friendships and relationships. Additionally, I know from some married friends, their struggle can be to maintain that "perfect image" to other about their marriage. The reality is life is full of complexity, lots of confusion, but if we will let Him, God will challenge us to far greater things than we could ever attain and accomplish on our own... because our nature is selfish and His nature is full of love, holiness, kindness, and community. So, here we go...

=================

It's time I come clean, let the rabbit out of the hat, and admit what only a few close friends and family have known the past few months. I have been pursuing online dating, even asking a few females out that I have met face-to-face.

For years I found myself feeling a bit rejected, mostly relegated to the friend part of life with all my female friends when it came to relationships. Since this last November, about nine months, I started online dating after losing weight, gaining confidence, and finally deciding I would put myself in that wacky of world online dating despite my first experience at it a few years previously to be rather odd, if not slightly disturbing... If you call getting messages from sixty year old ladies disturbing. I did.

Let’s just say online dating is such an odd thing and I almost feel sad how many people are relegated to finding someone this way. I find it odd that we cannot connect with one another and network enough to find matches in real life, because in community we all know who is single, their personalities, and yet those looking stay silent (in shame or guilt I suppose) about their desires and longings.

Recently, I asked out a few females I had met in person, which is always a lot more dramatic and emotionally vulnerable than sending out the "hey you" message on a dating site to someone you do not know. The thing is, I've also recently been getting some opportunities to become friends with some females, which is odd when you are in a “dating mindset”, like the one that (online) dating produces, that seems to make women into more of a meat market of potential relationships than actually getting to know them as person, uniquely created by God.

Conviction.

The last few weeks God has really been laying friendship on my heart. I still do not have a lot of friends here in the area. It’s like being the new kid at a school where all the social groups are set and you are trying to fit in, to be accepted, to find your niche.

I read and share articles all the time in my Facebook about how men and women can be friends. I believe that in my mind, ideally, but my life the last few months hasn’t been showing what I profess to believe. It is very easy to cut out females from your life when you are so focused on finding "the one" or a "potential one" that you miss all the friends you could make, even if a relationship is not possible.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command.  I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:12-15

Jesus told his disciples that they were his friends, so friendship doesn’t have to be some derogatory phase regarding the opposite sex in regards to relationships, nor does it mean there has to be some alternative underlying motive. Certainly there may be some form of attraction, but I believe friendship is appreciating the beauty of the other as a person without being in an intimate physical relationship, because the reality is all friendships are certainly emotional and spiritual, if not humorous and intellectual, sharing life with another.

Friendship is also known as "Philo” or “Philia" (Brotherly, Sisterly, or Friendly love) in the Greek and CS Lewis writes about friendship in his book "The Four Loves". There is something there, something God is showing me. Despite not wanting to be put in that “zone”, I question why, what am I seeking? What am I running away from? Am I only seeking what I desire but missing something I need, namely friendship? How can I so quickly dismiss that? How quickly do we dismiss others as friends based on many things like gender, socioeconomic status, etc. That thought is haunting me, convicting me, and God has not let it leave me the last few weeks.

Trust. Hope. Anticipate. Let Go.

So, for now, I am toning down on the online dating. Still pursuing it somewhat but I feel I’ve been stuck in extremes and need to re-prioritize, moderate, to find a balance between giving up or completely giving myself over to the (online) dating system. I think God has another way, a different way, one in which I get to know another, and one in which rejection of a relationship doesn’t have to be the end but can be the beginning of something new, a friendship with someone new, created by God that can add value to life.

What are your thoughts?

How do you feel about (Online) Dating?
How do you feel about friendship?
How about friendship with the opposite gender?

~ Doubledb

Did you enjoy?
Please Like, Comment, and Share.
To Subscribe Follow the Links on the Side (turn off Ad Blockers if you have them).

Image 1

Who Do You Want to Become?

Most people will say life's biggest question is pertaining to ones faith or ones purpose in life; however, it has occurred to me over the last few weeks that the big question might be this:

Who do you want to become?

I am not talking about a career or job. I am talking about character, about the choices we make each and every day that reflect and show who we are as a whole person. Some of these choices only we are aware of, perhaps they are bad habits, addictions, lies, gossip, or manipulating others. Despite the secrecy, we are aware of these choices and usually we are aware of their danger. We pursue such choices out of selfish desire. Is that who we wish to become? Do we wish to be known as a selfish individual, only looking out for us, even if it is in secret?

The choices we make every day prove who we truly are, our friends know, we know, and for those who are religious (like myself) we can be sure that God knows. I think most of the time we think we are fooling others, when the only person we are fooling is ourself.

Therefore, if we want to become someone better, someone with more passion, more integrity, more wisdom, more character, this begs the question: What are you doing, first, that might hinder such progress? The second question is what really matters: What good are you pursuing to change yourself for the better. The second question here is really the most important, for we can desire to change our old habits, we can even get rid of them; however, unless we actively seek good, some better change, we will go into default, we will go back to old habits.

So, the question today is, who do you want to become? Are you truly happy with the way you are right now? Are their relationships you could mend? Friendships you could create? Are you married and more selfish than you ought to be? Are you single and find yourself seeking validation from others, instead of finding your own identity as an individual and as a child of God? Do you have dreams you want to pursue and follow? What is hindering you? What has stopped you from seeking them, from seeking any of these things.

This week, push yourself further, get rid of the old things that hinder you and begin to put on a new image, a better you, one that fits you more and discard and throw away the old remnants of your past self that serve you no longer.

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. - Colossians 3:9-10

This week, ponder: Who do you truly want to become?

~ Doubledb

Anticipation

As much as I try not to,
As I wake or sleep,
My thoughts seem to turn to you.

You are seeing someone,
Yet continue to talk to me,
Perhaps to be nice,
But every time I see you,
Talk to you,
converse with you,
My feelings run high,
My thoughts begin to sputter,
Images of possibilities,
Run through the far corners of my mind.

Am I crazy?
Is this all in my mind,
Only in my mind?

Perhaps.

I think of all the walks we could take,
All the love letters I would write,
And of all the meals we could share.

Yet all these are held back,
Held in wait,
Until finally you utter that word,
Yes.

Yes,
I will go out with you.
Yes,
I see something more in you.
Yes,
I want to see what possibilities are there.
Yes,
I see potential in you,
Like you see in me.

My emotions rise,
I feel euphoric.

I know I shouldn't follow these feelings,
I know they cannot be answered right now,
But I sit in them smiling,
Smiling as I think thoughts of you.

I feel,
I cannot help it.

So, I'll respect your space,
respect your boundaries,
But I will lie here in wait,
Hoping you reciprocate my affections,
Hoping this someone you are seeing,
Is merely a farce until you search your feelings,
Or someone who makes a mistake,
And doesn't see the person you are inside.

But I see you,
I see your soul,
As you attend to others,
With your kind eyes and generous heart.

But the question isn't if I see you,
But if you see me,
If you will break these bonds one day,
And these feelings can be reciprocated,
Be set free,
And these thoughts made reality.

Until then,
I will keep things friendly,
But behind those conversations,
I hope you know possibilities sit and wait,
Wait in Anticipation.

~ Doubledb

Self-Acceptance is NOT an Excuse...

I was watching a video on YouTube this morning in which two females were doing a video chat about self-image issues. At one point in the video the one who was larger spoke about accepting how this is who she is and that there are men who find her attractive, basically she accepts herself as overweight, someone who deserves to be loved for who she is inside.

My response: Yes AND No.
Harsh Truths Coming...

Yes, you deserve to be respected as a human but no, self-acceptance is no reason to justify being overweight. I understand the struggle. I was 325 lbs at one point, am now 100 lbs down, and still have some more weight to go until I reach my goal.

We are the sum of our choices.
I felt the same way for so long. I thought others would and should love me for who I am, not for how I look. But in all honesty, I was lying to myself, trying to justify my poor choices; choices of not exercising, not eating right, and basically not caring for my health and well-being.

I told myself that I was just a person with a larger body structure, that there are women who would find me attractive for who I was inside and on the outside.

But here is what I found out:

Losing weight set me on a course of self-revelation. I found that as I lost weight, not only did others see me and associate with me more, but I also gained greater confidence in the process. I found out I could tackle a huge obstacle and succeed. This was something I did on my own, something I decided for myself to change.

Losing weight taught me that there might be some other aspects of myself to work on as well, like taking more risks and stretching myself. Over the course of the last few years I have tried to do things that challenge me and pull me outside of the box I was stuck inside for years, most notably moving out of state for work, being more intentional about meeting others, and regarding dating.

However, weight is not the only issues this is affected by this idea of “complete self-acceptance”, because there are many other areas where we as people tend to place blame on others instead of being proactive ourselves.

One can say: I shouldn’t have to buy an alarm system or lock my door because people shouldn’t steal. I shouldn’t have to wear certain clothes because people should control themselves. I should be able to walk alone at night because people shouldn’t want to take advantage of another simply because it is dark.

The truth is bad people exist, temptations exist, sin and evil are very real. We would be wise to learn to be both defensive and offensive about life, protecting ourselves from others who may harm us and using it as a way to do some difficult but needed self-critiquing as well.

I found this out by losing weight, by taking control of a part of my life I felt I had no control over, something that seemed impossible but I decided was important to change. I now am a better person physically and emotionally, not to mention spiritually for tackling this issue.

So, while self-acceptance and self-worth do matter, these things should never be an excuse to keep harming ourselves, to continue bad habits, or to treat others in a poor manner, stating “this is who I am, like me or don’t like me, I don’t care.”
Hear me when I say this: If you do not care, others will likely not care.
Apathy is a life-stealing characteristic.

However, being engaging, challenging, passionate, focused, and purposeful; these are qualities we should all have and develop.

If we care for our self and are working toward betting ourselves, others will see that, appreciate us, and desire to be around us.

Have you ever dealt with weight?
Have you dealt with self-image/self-acceptance issues? How so?
Do you find yourself apathetic toward life or in pursuit of it?

~ Doubledb

Image: 1

On Dating And Becoming Who You Want To Be

Honestly, I never wanted to do online dating. In fact, my preference would have been and will always be to find some woman at church who loves God, we both catch each other’s eye, we become friends, and then it develops into something more. This of course will seem almost effortless.

The Truth: That is unlikely to happen.

First, it presupposes I will find someone at church, when past experience shows that is likely to never happen. All of my efforts to initiate dating with someone from church have never worked out. Secondly, it presupposes she will want to be friend and that she is not currently seeing someone. Thirdly, it also suggests there is a pool of singles in churches, when you can clearly look at the stats and anyone ages 25-35 are basically absent from church.

So, I had to decide to do something else, to be someone else, someone more intentional, aggressive, and willing to take more risk.

I went on a date with a woman this past Monday out of town. We met for dinner and then had a nice walk around a reservoir in that city. While I’m trying to figure out my feelings about her, I’m also thinking about the nurse at work who is seeing someone, not to mention the other females I have messaged or might message online.

This all makes me feel like a... player?

I guess if the women knew, it would make then feel I didn’t value them. But it is difficult to find a balance. In dating you can put all your efforts into one person (which is what I did in the past) only to be rejected or you can start putting yourself out there more and see all of the potentials.

This changes your mind a lot, as far as rejection. making you less inclined to stay in that spot of being hurt and helps to propel you forward; however, it also seems to make you question each woman you meet. Do I like her? Can I find someone better? Should I see where this goes or just move on?

But this also makes you question your assumptions about compatibility. Does she have to be into watching the same movies or TV shows? The same music? Will she like to talk or read about theology or psychology?

These questions begin to be replaced by: What are her values? Would our personalities fit together? Do we and will we enjoy eachothers company? Not to mention, if she is nice, is it a friend nice or relationship potential nice? The hardest thing is trying to figure this out through one meet-up or date.

I always wanted to be a more outgoing person and I have accomplished that in some ways. I feel fine initiating contact and going on dates with different women. But part of me regrets that it can’t be easier. I read books and blogs about (Christian) dating and many say to wait, to follow God, and things will have a way of working out.

I have found in my own life that nothing I have accomplished came through waiting. I never sat by, waiting for a job to call me, but instead sent out multiple resumes a week; so for me, to suggest I should seek God and wait seems unintelligible.

I want to believe it could be so easy, but anything good in my life has come through hard work. If I had known in college what I know now, I would have pursued a lot more women during that time (and maybe gone to less bible studies). But you can’t look backward, only forward.

~ Doubledb