On Dating And Becoming Who You Want To Be

Honestly, I never wanted to do online dating. In fact, my preference would have been and will always be to find some woman at church who loves God, we both catch each other’s eye, we become friends, and then it develops into something more. This of course will seem almost effortless.

The Truth: That is unlikely to happen.

First, it presupposes I will find someone at church, when past experience shows that is likely to never happen. All of my efforts to initiate dating with someone from church have never worked out. Secondly, it presupposes she will want to be friend and that she is not currently seeing someone. Thirdly, it also suggests there is a pool of singles in churches, when you can clearly look at the stats and anyone ages 25-35 are basically absent from church.

So, I had to decide to do something else, to be someone else, someone more intentional, aggressive, and willing to take more risk.

I went on a date with a woman this past Monday out of town. We met for dinner and then had a nice walk around a reservoir in that city. While I’m trying to figure out my feelings about her, I’m also thinking about the nurse at work who is seeing someone, not to mention the other females I have messaged or might message online.

This all makes me feel like a... player?

I guess if the women knew, it would make then feel I didn’t value them. But it is difficult to find a balance. In dating you can put all your efforts into one person (which is what I did in the past) only to be rejected or you can start putting yourself out there more and see all of the potentials.

This changes your mind a lot, as far as rejection. making you less inclined to stay in that spot of being hurt and helps to propel you forward; however, it also seems to make you question each woman you meet. Do I like her? Can I find someone better? Should I see where this goes or just move on?

But this also makes you question your assumptions about compatibility. Does she have to be into watching the same movies or TV shows? The same music? Will she like to talk or read about theology or psychology?

These questions begin to be replaced by: What are her values? Would our personalities fit together? Do we and will we enjoy eachothers company? Not to mention, if she is nice, is it a friend nice or relationship potential nice? The hardest thing is trying to figure this out through one meet-up or date.

I always wanted to be a more outgoing person and I have accomplished that in some ways. I feel fine initiating contact and going on dates with different women. But part of me regrets that it can’t be easier. I read books and blogs about (Christian) dating and many say to wait, to follow God, and things will have a way of working out.

I have found in my own life that nothing I have accomplished came through waiting. I never sat by, waiting for a job to call me, but instead sent out multiple resumes a week; so for me, to suggest I should seek God and wait seems unintelligible.

I want to believe it could be so easy, but anything good in my life has come through hard work. If I had known in college what I know now, I would have pursued a lot more women during that time (and maybe gone to less bible studies). But you can’t look backward, only forward.

~ Doubledb

Past vs. Present-Self: The Struggle to Overcome Insecurities

I'm not really sure I want to write this. I’ve gone from gaining more confidence at times, to finding myself lacking confidence at all. I plan dates, chat online, and am meeting new females, while other times I am at home alone curled up on my couch because it is just emotionally difficult and confusing. I want to open myself up, but the process of finding someone to open myself up to means risking myself and facing rejection, as well as rejecting others.

People who date are brave. I am brave.

But I don’t feel brave.

I don’t know how else to say it, putting yourself out there emotionally is very vulnerable. You are basically putting yourself before another person and seeing if you find enough value in the other to pursue a relationship. In the past, when you are single and under 25, this isn’t as complicated because it can be done by meeting females through friends or through other female friends. However, once you get out of college or graduate school, you have to be more intentional about dating. You cannot "wait" for friendship to see if you like someone or wait for some person to fall into your lap. The truth is, male or female, you have to put yourself out there and also pursue. You gain nothing without taking action, without taking risks. The risk may come out well, but there may also be a long road of confusion and some sticky emotional feelings that arise. You have to be sure about your foundation in life; your family, your friends, and your faith if you are a religious person. Simply put, you cannot put all of your identity into dating, in what these others people think of you, as the people you are pursuing should not hold you up on some pedestal as well.

This past week I was getting tired of waiting. I’ve wanted to pursue some females at work for a while now. Well, one day this week she one working and I passed by one of them and said hi. I work at a hospital and the (damn) floors are always busy and so is the staff, including myself. I thought about the idea for a while now of writing her a letter and putting it in her box but know in-person is always the best choice to ask someone out. This week I just got frustrated with myself and the situation.

I often lack confidence and wait.

Other times I just want to get it over with.

Is there a happy medium?
Patience.

My anxiety rose that day and I got nervous. I also got a call and had no reason to go back to that area of the hospital that day, unless of course I just began wondering around the halls aimlessly, looking like I am lost when my badge shows I clearly work at this place every day. I wrote to a few friends online to get suggestions, cause I was tired of waiting and thought maybe the letter was a good idea. It wasn’t. It isn’t. It will never be. I know that.

Honestly, I only ever asked one female out on an actual date in person. She did say yes; however, I think by the time I asked her I was well acquainted with the friend-zone and she clearly did not see me in a romantic manner. Despite things not working out there, I’ve found myself through the years asking females out, typically through Facebook if I know them in-person. Only recently, as you readers know, have I pursued online dating. It has given me more confidence, but to say I still don’t have my issues would be incorrect.

What I haven’t shared is that I’ve been chatting with at least three females the last couple of weeks. I even went on a date to the zoo, which was good; however, I did not feel a spark with this female. I felt as if I was asking questions, telling stories, and trying to be engaging and she simply wasn’t responding back. Sometimes it was like talking to a wall. I’ve noticed this with some females I have had coffee with, like they stick to the basics, so while I want to know their personality and hear stories about their life, they seem to mostly want to give and receive facts. If dating is only about facts, I could send you a resume. And well, you DID see my online profile. But that profile is not me. It is an image or portrayal of me. I am a whole and complicated person.

In addition to this, despite losing a lot of weight, I still mentally and emotionally see myself as a fat person. That is just the truth. I can look at my pictures and in the mirror and in my mind know logically I’ve lost weight and am more attractive; however, emotionally I mostly feel the opposite. When I think about asking someone out, I feel like they will reject me because I am a fat loser with no confidence. The irony is I know I am not a loser, know I am not fat, and know by asking I am actually expressing confidence, so long as I'm not mumbling like an idiot. I think it is taking time for my newer image of myself to throw out the older image, writing a new update over the old software that ran my mind and life for so long. I am still that person on the inside, but the dark doubts and ways I felt about myself must change, need to change, simply HAVE to change. They fit me and my life no longer.

Pressing forward is not easy,

but the alternative is that the old ideal of myself will remain,

but it cannot and the new self I am making must rise.

~ Single Me

Ticketed in the Church: Writing While Single?

Anytime a person writes about their life, they have to choose what areas of their life they wish to write about and the areas they wish to keep personal. I actually started writing about being single back in 2007, mid-way through my time in seminary. I came to a point in my life, after twenty-five, when I began to acknowledge that I may be single for far longer than I had anticipated.

For years I wrote about my life, but neglected writing about my thoughts and experiences being single. Mostly, I didn’t want to come across whiny, needy, or desperate (Ironically, just writing that makes me come across whiny, needy, and desperate). So, in 2007 for a brief stint, I wrote about being single on my main blog and on my Facebook; however, during that time I learned that my more personal experiences, thoughts, and insecurities regarding singleness did not need to be on my main blog.

If writing is about choosing your boundaries, how much you will open up, I learned that writing about being single needed to only be available to those who could take the hard truths I was seeing and living; therefore, back in 2011, I moved all my blogs entries about being single from my main blog to a separate and anonymous site.

Why anonymous? Basically, when you work as a minister, you are open to public scrutiny, so while I have the desire to write and share, I don’t desire for bosses, coworkers, patients, and their families into that part of my life. And honestly, I also did it also to cut down on hearing cliché phrases and responses from those who are married, trying to console my dark times by telling me I will find someone in time, I should focus on myself, or how they long for the days of their own freedom and singleness.

So, while this vast area of my life has been stricken from my public writing, it does still exist, it exists because I use writing as a way to process life and hope others will join me in their journey as well, that life isn’t all the happy pictures and status updates we post and see, but is sometimes tough and gritty and uncomfortable.

I want to make (you) my readers uncomfortable because I am not always comfortable. I see a lot of areas of life to ponder, and while none of them are off limits necessarily, some areas deserve more privacy and care. That being said, being single is just one area of my life and if a married person believes a single person is to be pitied or avoided for their singular status, I’d say that person is forgetting that the cornerstones of any relationship is built on love, friendship, and trust.

In fact, Jesus had a lot to say about friendship,

Which will be the focus of my next blog entry.

But for today, let's take a second to think about the unneeded divisions we place between people, not just married and single, but male and female, rich and poor, and so forth. Then remember that, for those of us who call ourselves Christian… In Christ, We are (Supposed to Be) One.

¹² Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many. – 1^st Corinthians 12:12-14

~ Doubledb

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My Soul Laid Bare?

What if I told you the truth? What if I typed all of my truest feelings and deepest thoughts? What if I really let you in, behind the surface veil of my life? Would it make us connect deeper or would you run further away?

What if what I typed wasn’t all roses? What if what I posted wasn’t all about smiles and past-times, but about hardship and suffering? What if that suffering produced growth and was an integral part of my story? Would you still read? Would you still listen?

What if I posted about online dating? What if I wrote long entries here about my elation of a coffee date and my deflation when a second date was woefully declined?

Would you read with me?
Would you walk with me?

Would you grief with me?
Would you rejoice with me?

Would you walk alongside me in this journey as I try my best to walk alongside you in yours, as express the joys and struggles of marriage, of trying to have children, or of raising your children?

Would you care about my thoughts regarding loneliness since I moved so far from my home state? Would you listen to me express how I love my position but miss everyone and everything I ever knew?

Would you listen to me build up my life from a new foundation? Would you hear how I call and depend on people I don’t know, to lay my pride down and ask when I need help?

Would you read about how my life often feels repetitive?
When you live alone, life seems the same, week by week, day by day.

Silence fills up your space.

Even when you are busy, you can feel your alone-ness weighing on you, reminding you that you are not connecting to anyone or anything, sometimes no matter how hard you try.

You are grasping at air.

Would you listen if I told you that despite all of these things, this time has been my biggest growth and achievement personally and spiritually? Would you like to hear how God has been changing my heart and mind since the day I moved here, that being alone has made me depend on God on a far deeper level? Would you like to hear about the new riches of that relationship, discovery though hardship?

Would you care to read?
Would it pierce you?

If I bared my soul to you,
Would it matter?

Would it merely be another blog entry?
Would it merely be a form of entertainment for your eyes?
Would it merely be a form of isolation or bring connectedness?

Only time will tell…
When I bare my soul.

However, for now,
My musings are my own.

~ Doubledb

Reading Female Authors: A List

 










When I was in graduate school, it occurred to me one day that all the authors I read were male, I couldn't even think of any female authors I had read or planned to read, so I decided to challenge myself to seek out and read more female authors. Here are some female authors I have read.

The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Dystopian Future; Fiction/Non-Fiction

The Handmaid's Tale is a book based on the premise that in a dystopian future, conservatism has taken over and woman are used as servants. For those who are elite and whose wife do not produce offspring, they are given handmaids with whom stay at their home and have relations with the end cause being procreation. Additionally, in this book, this dystopian future is recent enough that there are still people who remember a time before the sanctions on women, when they were equal, still having the right to vote, speak freely, read, write, and think.

The Hunger Games (Book 1) by Suzanne Collins
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Dystopian Future; Fiction/Non-Fiction

While the Handmaids Tale focused on women, in this society war has brought out the have from the have-nots, the rich from the poor. Basically, everyone who is not part of the Capital is in want and need while those in the Capital live in excess, throwing away food while others starve. The Hunger Games are a means of control, both providing entertainment, fear, and food/money to the victor. These games show the power of the government while allowing them to act as if the end justify the means, that by having a victor to whom to give gifts, the spilling of children's blood is acceptable and needed. For deeper meaning in this story one must read the books subtext, as the author is not merely telling a story but making a social commentary regarding government, free speech, entertainment, and reality television.

Getting Naked Later: A Book for the Fully Clothed by Kate Hurley
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Christianity; Singles
Blog: The Sexy Celibate ; Facebook

In this book, Kate Hurley takes us through her journey, thus far, of being single. Being a single Christian has not been easy for her, with her longings and desire for a husband and family. In the book she comments on issues in the church regarding singles, namely their desire to easily answer the complex questions and experiences singles bring, not just about themselves but about God's will. She writes about how many answer her desires with quick fixes, such as "Let it go and the right man will come" or "Pray and God will give you the desires of your heart". In truth, this dichotomy in the church between singles and marrieds is almost a class system. Most notably, for me in this book, was the scene where Kate describes being at a wedding, desiring to dance but being asked by no one. I appreciate the authors vulnerability and honesty in this book. I would recommend it to those who are single and those who are married who want to break down the walls between themselves and their single friends.

Ruby Slippers: How the Soul of a Woman Brings her Home by Jonalyn Grace Fincher
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Women; Females; Sexuality; Femininity; Christianity; The Church
Blog: Soulation: Jonalyn's Blog

I started reading this author on her blog (see above) and found her thoughts very interesting. I bought her book because I wanted to hear about females from a female author. Her book begs the question: What does it mean to be female? What does it mean to be female in the church? Most notably in her books is the fact that she states that while writing her book, diving into the scriptures and in conversations with other Christians, her views were transformed. Where she originally was going to write a book more along the lines of femininity and God's call to be complimentary rather than equal in the church, her mind was changed. She writes about the female soul, how it is part of the image of God, just as much as the male soul. Females are tuned into the emotional side of things, with the ability to use words either to uplift or tear down. Most notably to me was her honesty in admitting there have been times when she was tempted to use her emotional discernment to manipulate men instead of encourage them. Still, she writes about her struggle in the church trying to speak out and think critically as a female while being in a mans domain.

Guilty As Sin by Tami Hoag
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Thriller; Mystery

I am going to be honest. I got this book at a gift-shop for .50 cents. I was intrigued by the premise and it looked like something similar to a novel by John Grisham or Tom Clancy, so I gave it a try. In this book the main character is a female caught in the midst of a murder trial. The murder started as a kidnapping and moves on as the wheels move in the investigation, in the courts, and in the female leads life-long obsession with her job and her inner desire to find love and happiness in a world she is unsure of life and finds it unpleasant after so many years of working on such cases. Worth a read!

When We Were in Fire by Addie Zierman
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Memoir, Christianity; Conservatism; Evangelicalism
Blog: Addie Zierman: How to Talk Evangelical ; Facebook

First of all, this author is very open about her life. Basically, she grew up as a conservative evangelical, many times trying to please her boyfriend, instead of finding out who she was herself. This book describes, in length, her time with her first boyfriend, and then later as time went on how she began to find herself. This book is a messy, but I feel sometimes life is messy and reading something like this puts a mirror up to the reader to question the status quo (especially among the religious) and also to figure out what life and faith mean for them. I would definitely recommend this book, especially to those who grew up conservative or to those who want to better understand the life and thoughts of one who grew up in that situation for years, struggling later to break free from that past and find her own journey.

Celibate Sex by Abbie Smith
Amazon | Goodreads
Topic: Single, Sexuality, Celibacy, Faith
Website: Unsteady Saint ; Facebook

Honestly, it took me a while to get into this book. However, after a chapter or two I began to really enjoy this book. Abbie writes about the dichotomy between the single and those who are married in the church. She asks how come the church seems to value those who are married over those who are single, when Jesus himself was single. Certainly there are verses that speak of the riches of marriage; yet we also have scriptures that speak of the great opportunity afforded to those who are single or choose to be single. In effect, the single person can devote more time to God and the kingdom when they are not consumed with pleasing their spouse and keeping up with children. Abbie writes very well to express how both married and single persons can both be equally serving God, only by different means and avenues. Neither should be praised nor looked down upon.

More Female Authors on my To-Read List:
Oryx and Crake (MaddAddam Trilogy #1) by Margaret Atwood
Evolving in Monkey Town: by Rachel Held Evans
Christianity After Religion: by Diana Butler Bass
Jesus Feminist: An Invitation to Revisit the Bible’s View of Women by Sarah Bessey
Holy Ghost Girl: A Memoir by Donna Johnson
Pastrix: The Cranky, Beautiful Faith of a Sinner & Saint by Nadia Bolz-Weber
On Death and Dying ; Life Lessons ; The Wheel of Life by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
The Great Emergence by Phyllis A. Tickle
Daring Greatly: by Brené Brown
Beauty Restored by Me Ra Koh
My Sisters Keeper by Jodi Picoult
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
Fired Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flag
Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar
The Giver by  Lois Lowry
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen

Have you read any of these books?
If so, what did you think?

Do you have any female authors you would recommend?

~ Doubledb

Two Coffee Dates: Part Two

We both shared stories and asked questions. She told me how she grew up in a home where her mother wouldn’t watch any movie that was R-rated. Of course, we agreed that there are some really good movies that are R-rated. I listed off Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, and then she brought up Fight Club. It is kind of funny because in some weird way I think my heart kind of jumped. The movie is so good because it has so much depth. So, we both talked about our love for the movie and I told her how bad I wanted to read the book.

Our conversation went on from there, talking about family a bit and college life. I told her a bit about some pranks I tried to pull in college until I figured out that while I had a limit, my roommates did not, so I decided pretty early on to accept their pranks but not retaliate lest I be thrown into a never-ending and escalating battle.

What I didn’t tell her was that I did secretly try to think of ways to get them without them knowing: I considered itching powder on their bathroom towels or putting ex-lax in their water or milk (we didn’t share our beverages).

It's SONIC fast!

Honestly I was having such a good time but after an hour I was waiting for the lull in the conversation, much like the lull that happens when you are chatting with someone online or on the phone. I find it is better to try to end the conversation at this point that to carry it on any further, especially when you are just getting to know someone.

So, we decided to part ways and I walked with her outside. As we were walking in separate directions, I let her know that I would be interested in seeing her again. She seemed genuinely happy and told me she would like that. Now, I know realistically that she may have been nice because I put her on the spot; however, I am going to send her a message tonight anyway.

Even if she declines a date, I would totally be fine being friends with her. It has been so hard to meet anyone up here and sometimes this whole online dating thing leaves me with an odd taste, like if we don’t fit, even if they are cool, we just toss that person out of our life.

Maybe it is the introverted part of me, because I only develop a few close friends, so it hurts when they leave and I also hate the idea of investing so much energy into someone only to have it become nothingness. Still, any relationship takes two people, so we will see where things go.

I sometimes think about how arduous this process is, messaging females, barely getting responses for so long, getting rejected, yet trying to remain hopeful. However, I do think rejection from someone you barely know is really a lot less intense than one who is already a friend.

In addition, it is odd that as I have met more females in the last six months than in the last few years. I feel like I am coming to a point in my life where I have to become comfortable being single. For so long I desired someone. It is ironic that now I am putting myself out there. I kind of feel like I am happy with this personal growth but meeting up and going on dates, while progress, do not mean relationships, marriage, or children.

I feel like life and/or God is showing me that I have to be ok with myself where I am at now, that if I cannot be content with who I am, I am never going to be truly happy with someone else. And if I never end up meeting someone, if my focus is purely on finding that person, I will end up sad and depressed and alone.

Therefore, I have been more intentional lately about my faith, my conversations with God, and looking for ways to be more involved at church. I feel like God is doing something in me, helping to make me a better man; yet it isn’t as if I am already changed but like I in a longer and drawn-out process that is happening over time, as small changes are happening. I hope to continue this progress.

~ Doubledb

Edit: Female Number Two never did reply to my request for a second date... but this is the way of things I suppose. Still, I press on...

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Two Coffee Dates: Part One

Anyone reading this, who knows me, is aware I don’t actually drink coffee, so it was really two hot chocolate dates; however, that title didn’t seem catchy enough.

This week, seemingly with a throw of the proverbial dice, I was able to meet with two females. I will call them female one and two. Female One lived outside of town, so I drove to meet her at a Tim Horton’s in a small town. As I waited I started to get the feeling the rough truckers and day laborers were looking at me with my polo shirt and dress pants, wondering what I was doing in their town. I certainly felt out of place.

I waited for what seemed like an eternity for her to arrive, even though it was only a few minutes. Ladies have a real skill at coming in three to ten minutes past the meet up time. There has to be some book that tells them exactly how to do these things, small things, that make us wait and can drive men a little mad, just ever so slightly.

She came in, we shook hands, and said hello. Before we even made it to the register she pulled out her wallet and took out her card. Apparently, I didn’t have to question one bit if she expected me to pay or if she wanted to split. She is a Resident Director for a woman’s dorm with a background working in youth camps; however, over time all the traveling got to be a burden and she wanted something more stable. Like so many others, she had a difficult time finding a job, so, like myself, she found herself moving out of state and a little far from family.

She was nice, at one point trying to correct herself, even though I told her she had no need to apologize, that it was fine. Why do females apologize so much? I actually find is amazing and sad. What, in our culture, makes females feel sorry for the silliest things that they have no need to apologize for? Is it that females are nicer than guys or are they conditioned to be submissive, so saying sorry a lot comes with that conditioning?

We had a good time chatting and later the next day I messaged her to see if she wanted to go on an official date. I was going to offer to pay but wanted to see if she was interested first. A day later she replied that she did not desire a date but wouldn’t mind being friends.

Now, I always want to take people at their word, and since I am a stranger to her, I don’t know why she would feel the need to say this to "ease my pain" so I told her I would enjoy being friends actually (which was true). However, I did put the ball in her court to message me sometime to chat or maybe get together. See, in the past (See my Dating Series) I would always keep trying to contact females who said they wanted to be friends but obviously they did not, so now I've changed my method. Now I think it is perfectly reasonable that the one who did the rejecting should be the one to extend the hand of friendship, not the one who was rejected.

Then today, yes, just a few hours ago I met Female number two. I know, I should really come up with fake names, right? Anyway, from the moment I met her she smiled and well, she was FUN. Female number one was nice but was almost so intellectual it was like she couldn’t really laugh or enjoy herself, it made her pretty intense, like there was a wall between us in our conversation.

This was different…

Different you say, How so?

~ Doubledb

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