Dating Series 2 of 6: Meeting CJ

MEETING CJ:

Note: Names have been changed.

I met CJ in the eighth grade at church. She was fun, spunky, always so full of life, vibrancy, and had a great sense of humor. I still remember one time when the youth group was going watch a movie and the female’s vote won own over the guys, so we all had to watch "Sense and Sensibility". How highly democratic of us, right? Neither CJ nor I were thrilled with the choice so while the other females rejoiced and men bemoaned, we sat and talked.

Why anyone would choose one over the other is beyond me...

We did become pretty close. Did I mention that she was a sophomore and I was in eighth grade? I imagine if she was younger or I was older we might have gone out, but because I was in middle school and she was in high school it just didn’t really work (and the irony is plenty of female friends did go out with older guys, so maybe it was an excuse).

I remember there were times when, coming back from a youth group event or just relaxing, she would lay her head on my shoulder or rest it on my lap. Even though I was young, I enjoyed the feeling of someone being that comfortable with me and feeling that connection. I really was a little annoyed when the sponsor would tell her to sit up. I mean, it wasn’t like we were making out. It was nice. I liked feeling wanted. I liked physical affection from a female who wasn’t a family member.

As with all good things, after a few years CJ moved and I had no way to contact her. She moved a few times, family financial issues I think, and I never had her information to connect with her though phone calls or letters.

Looking back now, I think maybe she had clung onto me because I was a male figure who listened, cared for her, and didn’t "want" anything sexual from her. See, she lived with her older sister and mother who was divorced and single, her father being out of the picture completely.

Yes, I was attracted to her and if things were different I would have dated her (or at least tried), but I think I was a male who might have filled some of the emptiness she felt from her father being absent in her life.

I hadn’t heard of through of her for years until I spoke with her again online. She is now married and has wonderful family. She is also a bit more conservative than me, which is funny to me considering she always had a more outgoing and spunky personality than myself. People surprise you like that I suppose.

Have you ever felt like you were being used emotionally?
Have you ever dated someone older or younger than you?

What happened?

~ Doubledb

Dating Series 1 of 6: Meeting Joy

Over the last few years as I have written on this blog, I have opened up and been vulnerable about parts of myself that I had kept hidden for so long. Before that time, I did want to write about being single for a while but I felt like my thoughts, complaints, and struggles were less important than everyone else (Everyone being those married and who have children). Everyone always seemed to think being single was great, that I was single by choice, and those who have known me well have never really understood how I am still single. In fact, when I meet people in person, sometimes they are surprised to find out I am single. They say I seem too mature and responsible to be single. Is that a compliment or critique? I don’t really know.

One thing I have not yet expressed, beneath all of my more general thoughts are the dating stories of how I got to where I find myself currently. How am I single and thirty? Well, to really understand one would have to start off at the beginning, right?

http://genesischurchorlando.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Genesis.jpg

So, think of all those flashback images on TV shows and I will take you back to my beginning and then we will progress through a series of blog entries coming out through the next month.

MEETING JOY:

Note: Names have been changed.

Joy was the first female I ever liked or felt the least bit of interest in when I was younger. I was in sixth grade when I met Joy and hadn’t really found any girls attractive, well… since my crush in second grade. However, with her there was something deeper than just thinking she looked good, that I was physically attracted to her. I saw plenty of attractive girls while I was at school. There was something about Joy that made me feel different.

I first met Joy while we were in the same sixth grade Sunday School class. She had blonde hair and a gorgeous smile. My dad played the piano and my mother worked in the nursery, so on Sundays we would sit together in one of the front pews of the church and talk. We were truly friends and I never really thought of the potential for anything more at the time. Honestly, I just liked being around her.

Slowly into our seventh and eight grade year Joy began to come to church less and less. I missed her when she was gone. I would sometimes call her on the phone. I always was anxious because one of her parents would pick up the phone first (ha!). Slowly, Joy stopped coming to church. She was once so full of the joy of God, but over time that joy seemed to fade. She started going out with guys in high school while she was in middle school. Later, when we were in high school, she was on the school dance team. She became popular and I... was a nerd who sung in the choir (gotta love being in the choir).

I connected with Joy again years later through Facebook. We are friends. We don’t chat much really... but I am happy to say in the last few years she found a great guy, got married, and is once again active in the church. It warms my heart to see one who was lost, come back into the body of Christ. For a while she was searching for something, but I think in the last few years she found her joy once again.

Who was the first person you ever liked?

How old were you? What happened?

More to come...

~ Doubledb

The Psychology of (my) Weight Loss

I am nearing 15 Lbs to my next goal weight, 225. Once I reach 225, I will have lost 100 LBS (I plan to do a VBlog when that happens). It is kind of hard for me to believe I have lost that much and also hard for me to believe I ever gained that much... and will still have some more to loose.

Since my move, I have felt so out of it, yes it is the move but as I near this goal, I find I am not sure exactly who I am. Let me explain, I know who I am inside: Kind. Friendly. Sarcastic. Witty. But who am I on the outside? For so long I have been overweight. I first knew I was overweight in middle school when I was 135 Lbs. Then through high school and college, I continued to gain.

While at first this new-found weight loss was (and still is) good, because I could see the results and felt healthier, now I have to deal with the psychological aspect of figuring out who I am as this person with less weight. Am I more attractive? Am I fat or skinny? My clothes currently do not fit me but the next size doesn’t fit me either... That is a odd place to be. Even my clothing doesn’t have a place to fit me right now.

Also, I am really losing a great excuse to not pursue dating now. When I had the weight it was a barrier I despised, but I would always come to the conclusion I was rejected based on my weight. I could use weight as an excuse, not only when I wouldn't risk the pursuit a female but I also used it as a way to narrow down her rejection to my weight and not to myself. Perhaps if she was rejecting me as a person, that would have hurt me even more deeply.

I took a picture of me in the mirror the other day with my shirt off. I will post it here, not because I am showing off but also not exactly because I am hideous. I took it and share it to show that there is a place I think between fat and skinny, a place where you are looking better but still not quite there. But where is there? I am not quite sure how to define myself now.

Apparently, there are many articles (I put some at the end of this blog) written by/about people who face this problem. People suggest this is why one should lose weight slowly over time, because you have more time to adapt to a new image of yourself. Perhaps this has been heightened for me since I an nearing such a great benchmark. While it is a great thing, it is also a milestone to a huge change. If I keep on this route, soon I won’t be obese anymore. Being (morbidly) obese has been a part of who I am for over a decade and overweight since middle school, which in total about 18 years of my life.

Honestly, healthy is a very new thing for me, not just the eating better or exercise, but looking better and feeling better. While it is great it is also odd. Sometimes I get looks from females and I am not sure what they mean. For so long females ignored me or seemed to look past me, so I am not sure if it is interest or if not being fat just makes people more likely to see me as a human being instead of a lazy person who just consumes mass quantities of food.

As I continue to lose weight, I continue to wonder who I am and who am I becoming; yet isn’t this always the question? Whether I am losing weight or not, are not we not always asking who we were, who we are, and who are we becoming? As a person, I want to better myself. As a Christian I want to glorify God. As a man, I want to become dating, marriage, and father material. And while all of these are different areas, they are not completely separate from each other either.

So, here are some questions for us to grapple: Who are you becoming? Who do you want to be and what are you doing to achieve your goals? Are you setting any goals? Are they achievable and realistic? The Psychology of Weight Loss is also The Psychology of Change... And when change happens, big or small, it means adjusting our actions and reactions, our perceptions and challenging self to move forward, even when we are not sure about the end result.

~ Doubledb

Related Links:
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/31489881/ns/health-womens_health/t/phantom-fat-can-linger-after-weight-loss/
http://www.daveywaveyfitness.com/weightloss-tips/still-see-my-fat-self-in-the-mirror
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5309302

Does True Love Wait?

For those who grew up in the 90's and early 2000's (and even still today), you might remember a thing called "True Love Waits". I was thinking about this earlier today, still being single at 30, and how most of us in the church are taught how sexual intimacy between a man and women is for marriage. I also thought about how statically today people do not get married until their mid to late twenties. So, if you are 13-19, that means you are looking at roughly ten years of being pure and not having sex. It means having to control your urges, control lust, control your emotions, and stick with Christ. Right?

I would like to suggest that true love does not wait, true love takes action. No, I don’t mean sexual action. I am talking about not being passive with knowing another. Men are told to control urges and seek out women. Females are told to look pretty and wait on men. But is that the end of the story? Are we only meant to know one another in a sexual way? Is there no type of intimacy between males and female except having physical intimacy, controlling lust, or waiting endlessly for that emotional connection?

I believe teaching youth about true love could gain a lot by teaching them about what real friendship is between one another, not just male to male or female to female but male to female and female to male as well. Teaching males and females that they can be friends without always having to only think about lust, sex, or remaining pure.

But what about their hormones? But what are we teaching them? When we separate them we are teaching them that sex, intimacy, the opposite sex, and friendship is bad, evil, and horrible. We are also teaching our children that they cannot be trusted to control themselves, that they are forever at the whim of their hormones and emotions. I think this teaching and separation actually achieves the opposite of what was intended.

How would I change things? Looking back now after being single for so long, I would not just have married people teaching about purity in churches. Sure they can tell you how great it is to wait and reap the benefits; however, they cannot really relate to how it feels to wait, especially to wait for how long some of those teens are going to try/have to wait.

I would also teach the reality that some may fail but there is grace and forgiveness. This may seem like a free license to sin but it is not, instead it is trying to let them know that they can fall but try again. I think a lot of teenagers figure once they have had sex (lost their virginity), though they may regret it, why wait anymore. If the church talked more openly about this and allowed safe spaces for confession, it would go along way into letting teenagers and young adults know God loves them despite the fact that they fall.

Honestly, I would change the whole way these subjects are taught in church. Usually the males and females are separated. I would suggest the first session be separated but then ongoing sessions be switched between co-ed and segregated. I believe it would benefit boys and girls to hear from those who are single, those married, and also from one another. How was someone used in a relationship? What is going on with one another beyond their gender? What are their likes and dislikes? What I am proposing that instead of trying to control them from (not) having sex, you introduce them and have them become friends, or even better, brothers and sisters in Christ.

Being single I have gained so many sisters in the faith. I decided I could be friends with them. Not all have agreed to friendship but I think my life is more fulfilled having the input of those female friends who are in my life. Through these friendships I am able to connect, to go deep into life with females emotionally and spiritually in intimate ways without our relationship having to be solely based on a dating relationship, marriage, and physical attraction/intimacy.

So, I don’t think true love waits, I think it takes action. I think true love makes friendships with those of the opposite gender. I think that true love values the other gender as a whole person, not merely an object for physical or sexual gratification alone.

Lastly, I think true love takes action when you find someone and that connection is more than friendship and then you both choose to pursue the journey of going into a deeper relationship through dating, perhaps later marriage, and the intimacy to match that level of commitment.

~ Doubledb

Cravings and Hunger

What really makes us hungry? Why at times are we content with what we eat and other times consumed with the idea to consume more and more? Before my move I had worked out for 1.5 years and had been eating really well. However, since this move my system has gone into some kind of consume food craze. I didn’t really feel I ate all that much while I was on the road, but yes... Most of it was junk food. There just isn’t a good way to eat healthy on the road. I think I did eat an apple one day, ha!

But the last few weeks have been really tough for me. I have been doing ok during the day but at night while sitting and watching Netflix, I've just been hungry and will go get something. I have also been going to get fast food about once a week. Now, I was at a place before the move that I didn’t even crave fast food. I guess that is once happen when you eat it again, you begin to crave it, and crave it in excess.

As far as being hungry at night, I know a lot of it has to do with boredom. When I am keeping myself busy, though working out or writing, I am usually not hungry... but I get still and then the craving comes (and it so difficult to sit with your stomach growling).

Hopefully, within one to three weeks my stomach will go back to being small again. Even though my working out is going well, anyone who knows about good health can tell you that if you eat poorly, you will never lose weight. You can exercise all day and night, but it all you eat is pizza, cheese, and pasta... well, you are not going to lose weight.

And I want to leave with a thought for us to ponder, for me and for you reading this. Why do we crave certain things? What makes us hungry for them? And finally, why do we so often not crave God the same way we crave food or relationships or video games or being entertained or a myriad of other things?

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
- Psalm 42:1-2

I do not think we really GET this verse.
At least I often think "I" at least do not fully GET this verse.

~Doubledb

New Job: Week One

Well, this last week has been really good. I am working at a hospital that is split between two places. Currently, I am training at the smaller campus and that is the place I am gong to be doing most of my ministry and work as Chaplain.

I think the first day on campus was the most difficult, just trying to take in so much information. Along with all the information is trying to understand spatially where I am at, as well as where everything is at on campus. By day three I pretty much had all the key places down.

I was excited that I got to see patients by day three. I was a little rusty but things were good. I have already had some more serious visits, which I really enjoy. I do the Morning Prayer and go to the morning meeting in intensive care on the mornings when I am scheduled to come in early.

I also went to a wonderful church this morning, thanks to a friend of a friend. I still have three more to go and visit, but I could really go back to the one I worshiped at today. The people were warm and inviting. In both Sunday school and the worship time someone came up, introduced themselves, and sat with me.

Well, that’s about it for this update I guess. I've been writing more lately to keep everyone updated, so the quality might be less than stellar. I think I do well with about a blog or two a month. When I do more than that, it just kind of seems blah to me.

Well, my first on-call happens tomorrow. So, hopefully it is calm night because I have to work the next day (just kind of the schedule here), but being a smaller hospital, calls aren’t really all that expected... so we will see.

~ Doubledb

Adjusting to Buffalo

Well it finally happened. I finally cried this morning. I was fixing my bed frame last night and my back started to hurt. Sometimes that happens, but exercising has helped it to hurt a lot less lately. Well, I woke up at about 5:30 this morning, because well, that’s when the sun comes up here in the summer apparently. I started looking up automotive repair places online, cause well, my power steering fluid is leaking and I need a new pump. My back just kept hurting. Is it the new chair I bought? Maybe the new mattress set? I don’t know. I still need a haircut, to go by the DMV too. Then it all started to hit me.

I guess I made it longer before I cried here than any other move I have made so far. When I moved to college I had a roommate to talk to; however, when I moved to grad school, to my own apartment, and then to my residency... Well, I was living by myself. I can’t really explain how it feels to people who have never lived alone. Yes, it is great to have my own place... and I'm glad I don’t have roommates... but it is hard not having anyone I know here. I go through this every time I move. It isn’t just the adjusting to a new place, finding all the places you need to know and go to and get stuff done. For me it is the time it takes to find a new group of people around you.

As an introvert I do make friendships but it takes me time, so in a move it a while before I make friends and who knows if any will even be good or great or best friends. I have to keep reminding myself that not everything has to be done now. But its hard, I want to be comfortable. I want to have all my books in bookshelves and I want all my comfy furniture now. I don’t want to wait. I feel like I am in a state of Limbo. I guess I want to nest, which includes furniture, having stuff in order, finding friends, getting use to my job, and finding a church here.

I guess this morning it all kind caught up and hit me. On the other hand, it has taken me about a week before this hit me. Usually, it only takes me one or two nights, so I guess I am improving over time and all the moves I have had to do in the past. Actually, even typing this out is now making me feel better. Maybe today I will just get a haircut and go see Superman (if there are any tickets).

Maybe I will worry about my power steering pump and the DMV later. As far as my mattress is concerned, for now I’m putting my air mattress on top of my new one. I think I am going to have to go to a mattress store and get a thicker mattress. I think that will help since I am a little bigger and have back problems sometimes. I don’t think the cheap and thin mattress I got is going to cut it for me.

So, here is an update. People have been asking me and I've just been preoccupied with getting stuff done or trying to relax. Good thing is I have been eating better and exercising again. The bad thing is I can’t seem to do both of those in the same day, ha ha. I will get back to it again soon. I really want to lose the weight. Ok, so that is my update. Not as engaging a read as the last one but oh well, writing is like that sometimes.

~ Doubledb