Since my move, I have felt so out of it, yes it is the move but as I near this goal, I find I am not sure exactly who I am. Let me explain, I know who I am inside: Kind. Friendly. Sarcastic. Witty. But who am I on the outside? For so long I have been overweight. I first knew I was overweight in middle school when I was 135 Lbs. Then through high school and college, I continued to gain.
While at first this new-found weight loss was (and still is) good, because I could see the results and felt healthier, now I have to deal with the psychological aspect of figuring out who I am as this person with less weight. Am I more attractive? Am I fat or skinny? My clothes currently do not fit me but the next size doesn’t fit me either... That is a odd place to be. Even my clothing doesn’t have a place to fit me right now.
Also, I am really losing a great excuse to not pursue dating now. When I had the weight it was a barrier I despised, but I would always come to the conclusion I was rejected based on my weight. I could use weight as an excuse, not only when I wouldn't risk the pursuit a female but I also used it as a way to narrow down her rejection to my weight and not to myself. Perhaps if she was rejecting me as a person, that would have hurt me even more deeply.
I took a picture of me in the mirror the other day with my shirt off. I will post it here, not because I am showing off but also not exactly because I am hideous. I took it and share it to show that there is a place I think between fat and skinny, a place where you are looking better but still not quite there. But where is there? I am not quite sure how to define myself now.
Apparently, there are many articles (I put some at the end of this blog) written by/about people who face this problem. People suggest this is why one should lose weight slowly over time, because you have more time to adapt to a new image of yourself. Perhaps this has been heightened for me since I an nearing such a great benchmark. While it is a great thing, it is also a milestone to a huge change. If I keep on this route, soon I won’t be obese anymore. Being (morbidly) obese has been a part of who I am for over a decade and overweight since middle school, which in total about 18 years of my life.
Honestly, healthy is a very new thing for me, not just the eating better or exercise, but looking better and feeling better. While it is great it is also odd. Sometimes I get looks from females and I am not sure what they mean. For so long females ignored me or seemed to look past me, so I am not sure if it is interest or if not being fat just makes people more likely to see me as a human being instead of a lazy person who just consumes mass quantities of food.
As I continue to lose weight, I continue to wonder who I am and who am I becoming; yet isn’t this always the question? Whether I am losing weight or not, are not we not always asking who we were, who we are, and who are we becoming? As a person, I want to better myself. As a Christian I want to glorify God. As a man, I want to become dating, marriage, and father material. And while all of these are different areas, they are not completely separate from each other either.
So, here are some questions for us to grapple: Who are you becoming? Who do you want to be and what are you doing to achieve your goals? Are you setting any goals? Are they achievable and realistic? The Psychology of Weight Loss is also The Psychology of Change... And when change happens, big or small, it means adjusting our actions and reactions, our perceptions and challenging self to move forward, even when we are not sure about the end result.
~ Doubledb
Related Links:
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/31489881/ns/health-womens_health/t/phantom-fat-can-linger-after-weight-loss/
http://www.daveywaveyfitness.com/weightloss-tips/still-see-my-fat-self-in-the-mirror
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5309302
